Would you C & C this "Goner" poem for me?

You have a great idea here which (I think) has some problems as it stands. Since sun and wind are most responsible for parching of the land, denying them (L4) conflicts with the theme of your poem. And I'm afraid I'm completely puzzled at how salt water and angry seas relate to healing. You are a wonderful writer and I always enjoy your posts, so please forgive me as I offer this alternative version (and still acrostic, too).

Dying rivers push thick muddy

earth across once fertile land,

arid air cooks the clay

dried by sun and swept by wind,

like talons never letting go. Unhealthy

angry seas awash with salt, and

nothing more can thrive or grow.

Dirges tell the languishing of life.

Tori, you know me: a consummate writer using words and images, bending them to my personal purpose. But I, at least, want them to have some semblance of accuracy and sense. I am thrown by some language here. "Dying rivers washing" (i would choose either "thick" or "muddy", the two together seem redundant) means there is some water, which is the cornerstone for fertility; in fact, lahars and floods, which cover landscapes with mud, increase land fertility. POOLS of water, on the other hand, do not and are teh last gasp of a drying river. Secondly, how would the air "deny it sun and wind" when both are impervious to air conditions? By "air" do you, mean "weather"? I do not fully understand "to heal angry seas poured salt water until nothing could grow" in conjunction with the last images. I know the Strait of Gibraltar has closed many times, causing the Mediterranean Sea to dry up; but the water finds a way to refill it. And I know, about every 5000 years (?), the Sahara gets so much rain it turns to a lush jungle. I think you mean to point out the harships for PEOPLE's survival under certain conditions, but life is always present and , to quote the character of Dr. Ian Malcom from JURASSIC PARK (the movie) "life"and nature" finds a way."

That "dry rivers" part seems out of place when you have "no food" before it, and "no water", "no life" after. It seems like something else with "no" should be there, plus dry rivers is explained anyways when you say no water. Perhaps just leaving it out entirely.

Dying rivers wash thick muddy

earth across once fertile land, <this could be "a once" or "fertile lands"

arid air cooks the clay

denying it the sun and wind

letting it go for eons -- to heal

angry seas poured salt water until

nothing could grow. No food,

no water, no life.

Ouch!

Sounds a bit ominous. A picture of drought carried to an extreme.

Is this a picture of Death Valley?

But let me paint a more optimistic and hopeful picture for you: I spent many of my growing up years living in or near a desert, and I can tell you that deserts teem with life of various kinds. From the reptiles--tiny lizards, snakes--to the birds to the varied forms of plant life (cactus, sagebrush, thistles and tiny but brightly hued flowers) the deserts are alive!

The tiny traces of water that irrigate these dry lands are hoarded and conserved by these living things and kept until the last traces have been consumed or converted to keep the living alive.

And, in a desert, when it rains you had best get out of the way--flash floods can carry away everything that gets in their pathways.

Great poem, as always very visual and very descriptive.

Good morning Tori. I'm so happy to see you sharing again, and so hope you are well.

This inspired a lot of answers, and other poems, as well as some valid suggestions. I'm happy you're posting again.

Hi. This poem is self explained , very touching and sad. We never know the worth of water till the well is dry.” By means of water, we give life to everything. I like the good use of metaphor, and some words choices between the stanzas. Nice to see you, Tori.

Bleached bones were once a few brave men,

some still clutch their corroding guns

skills wear macabre wide grins

and the galaxy swallows suns;

The ruins of Disneyland,

excavated by mindless drones

"It is a sacred place," the wise will say,

a mouse made this kingdom his own.

Hi sweetie! Good to see you helping as always. I hope you feel ok. Go easy on the YAPS, it is rather wrought with strife and I think it may be better soon, I won't be around much because of a heavier school load. <3 (((HUGS))).

Very bleak but beautifully written. Instead of learning to live with nature we humans have always tried to over power it. We will pay the price someday.

Bleak. It fills me with that sense of the arid drought waiting for the rain.

Even in the desert life waits for the rain.

Small poem with a big impact.

Thank you.

I have a bad feeling,this summer will be miserable for much of the U.S.

Most likely hot as heck and droughts,we had no snow to fill the reservoirs.

Your poem seems prophetic.bye...