stare into the chasm’s face see the black yawning gap it beckons you enter
you see more images flicker by your child her children others you love
the abyss calls to you turn from it return to the ones you love
pain passes tomorrow .
2012-07-31T02:51:51Z
I enjoyed reading the comments from everyone. Thank you.
I see tomorrow as a nebulous time. Tomorrow doesn't really exist except in our hopes and plans, but with that in mind every day has a tomorrow. Pain lingers. It smacks you in the face at times. It is replaced by something more painful. Joy eases pain. I was on morphine in the hospital, but now the pain is less. During the illness death had great appeal, but as I looked at it thoughts brought me back to my family. To love. tori
2012-07-31T02:56:46Z
To inspire another to write so well, as the poems posted in the messages are, is a gift. Thank you. tori
Ben2012-07-27T14:41:20Z
Favorite Answer
S1L4-you can do away with "the" if you so choose
S1L4&5- the image would be stronger if you eliminate "it" and change "beckons" to "beckon"
(I understand my suggestions may require some restructuring of the stanza)
S2L1- "more" is unnecessary as the only image you saw before was the chasm/gap
S3L2- your image may be strengthened by removing "to"
S3L4- I sincerely believe this line is strengthened by removing "the"
S4- I think I know what you are saying here ("Time heals all wounds"?) but I can tell you from experience, some pain--especially emotional/psychological--does not pass in a day; perhaps
"pain passes by tomorrows"
to give the feeling of a series (over time) rather than the fairly immediate sense the current phrasing gives
Nice to hear from you again (I know you are tapping your toe waiting for me :)
To consider a choice as a chasm is excellent imagery, as a choice (good or bad) can determine your entire future in this life and even the next. The individual in Colorado is an excellent example. In fact prisons are filled with such people.
Too many make poor choices which destroy families, careers and lives. It would be wonderful if they could "turn from it" as you write but many do not. Once a poor choice is made, "what is done--is done". One cannot go back. They can only continue from where they are and try to improve.
"Pain passes tomorrow" reminds me of the old quip, "time heals all wounds". I don't believe it. Some wounds never heal, at least not in this life. The pain may diminish, we may forgive others and we may move on; but I believe some remnant of the pain will always remain. That is what makes us human.
I could continue but there is the posibility of being overly verbose. You have some good thoughts there though. I'm disappointed everyone didn't get your meaning. Generally, some very good work.
First of all, I am so glad to see you back. I wish everyone knew you for their lives would benefit and even something like your poem here would paint a clear picture.
I have read, really, looked, at this poem a half a dozen times now, and since I have now lived several lives within one life, I can identify with the gamut of emotions that come as we connect to lives past, present, and future.
Thoughts and something else with you as well concerning your decisions .
I love you sister
Bri
Congrats on a worthy and excellent piece. _________________________________________________________________________
To dream of the future To cherish the past What that 's done Can't be undone But may stay for a while Those which I regretted , burnt to ash Those in favour, etched to while Till that day where we shall meet Till the time when there isn't the present Or the past.
You have traveled to the edge and not from fear of going, fled back to the pain within the flesh the softer pillow's smother,-plush. Forget-me-not that I would have lain down and taken half your pain were I able I would share your sweetness, too, your need to care for others, teach in your gentle way. Look outside, the roses sway in the winds come back from yesteryears, see the future when the moment clears. Purpose mighty weighs this time in your life as well as mine; I reach to touch you on an exhaled breath and bar the door that leads to death.
I am sorry if that disturbs you at all but it was my soul to you straight through from the line 'forget-me-not, I felt you there, a bit fevered and dreaming...