Poem: Choice .... your thoughts?

S1L4-you can do away with "the" if you so choose

S1L4&5- the image would be stronger if you eliminate "it" and change "beckons" to "beckon"

(I understand my suggestions may require some restructuring of the stanza)

S2L1- "more" is unnecessary as the only image you saw before was the chasm/gap

S3L2- your image may be strengthened by removing "to"

S3L4- I sincerely believe this line is strengthened by removing "the"

S4- I think I know what you are saying here ("Time heals all wounds"?) but I can tell you from experience, some pain--especially emotional/psychological--does not pass in a day; perhaps

"pain passes

by tomorrows"

to give the feeling of a series (over time) rather than the fairly immediate sense the current phrasing gives

Nice to hear from you again (I know you are tapping your toe waiting for me :)

To consider a choice as a chasm is excellent imagery, as a choice (good or bad) can determine your entire future in this life and even the next. The individual in Colorado is an excellent example. In fact prisons are filled with such people.

Too many make poor choices which destroy families, careers and lives. It would be wonderful if they could "turn from it" as you write but many do not. Once a poor choice is made, "what is done--is done". One cannot go back. They can only continue from where they are and try to improve.

"Pain passes tomorrow" reminds me of the old quip, "time heals all wounds". I don't believe it. Some wounds never heal, at least not in this life. The pain may diminish, we may forgive others and we may move on; but I believe some remnant of the pain will always remain. That is what makes us human.

I could continue but there is the posibility of being overly verbose. You have some good thoughts there though. I'm disappointed everyone didn't get your meaning. Generally, some very good work.

Tori

First of all, I am so glad to see you back. I wish everyone knew you for their lives would benefit and even something like your poem here would paint a clear picture.

I have read, really, looked, at this poem a half a dozen times now, and since I have now lived several lives within one life, I can identify with the gamut of emotions that come as we connect to lives past, present, and future.

Thoughts and something else with you as well concerning your decisions .

I love you sister

Bri

Congrats on a worthy and excellent piece.

_________________________________________________________________________

Choice I took

To dream of the future

To cherish the past

What that 's done

Can't be undone

But may stay for a while

Those which I regretted , burnt to ash

Those in favour, etched to while

Till that day where we shall meet

Till the time when there isn't the present

Or the past.

You have traveled to the edge

and not from fear of going, fled

back to the pain within the flesh

the softer pillow's smother,-plush.

Forget-me-not that I would have lain

down and taken half your pain

were I able I would share

your sweetness, too, your need to care

for others, teach in your gentle way.

Look outside, the roses sway

in the winds come back from yesteryears,

see the future when the moment clears.

Purpose mighty weighs this time

in your life as well as mine;

I reach to touch you on an exhaled breath

and bar the door that leads to death.

I am sorry if that disturbs you at all but it was my soul to you straight through from the line 'forget-me-not, I felt you there, a bit fevered and dreaming...

I like it, tori.

I guess You had to stare into the face of what was coming, but I'd rather not see. Your words painted a vivid picture.

.

A commentary about life and death? Interesting.view. I am closer to that abyss than I was a few years ago, but not letting it get me down too much.

I like the idea your present: we choose to cross over or stay here. It's philosophically deep. I'll have to think about it.

This poem makes me consider options, and I enjoy that.

Well done.

.

It's uplifting and sweet. Reminds me of William Carlos Williams.

"the abyss

call to you

turn from it"

amen!

It looks as if you turned away from the chasm. I've never seen it, but your pictures show me.

.