Caught in the stillness of a silent moment. I cannot break my gaze; seeing far beyond the blank wall, history is written on the air.
Crying slipped and fell split my eyelid open blood everywhere head wounds bleed so badly.
Giggling so many presents under the tree, “lass, he came” wonderment in a child’s voice touching a doll as tall as me.
All the yesterdays flicker by like a fast forwarded video happy, sad laughter, sorrow moments cherished and forgotten
Tomorrow may never come but yesterday is present. .
2012-08-15T14:45:43Z
I value your time and talents, your critiques and compliments very much. I think about what you say and try to incorporate it into how I write. Thank you all so much.
Good catch, Dallas, on the double use of the word presents. I generally try to avoid that within a short span of writing. But they have different meanings. Minute (so little you can't tell) Minutes (time) is similar, so I think presents fits. Also, thanks for the suggestions, Neil. I appreciate your input, thought I think the minimalistic approach is what is needed in those few seconds when ones mind wanders and forgotten memories crop up. ♪♫♪ tori ♫♪♫
adeline_cosine2012-08-09T13:33:09Z
Favorite Answer
I desperately want to know what stopped you in mid-action, to gaze upon a blank wall where you see images from your past scrolling quickly as a movie montage. But I know that sometimes it is much more difficult to stop the motorcade than start it. Twisting, stringent swirls of memory haunt me when I least desire, with even beautiful, sentimental images causing a twinge at the heart and a gasp of breath.
I do not see pain here -- I see a delight, a mesmerization with the flickering past. I envision you reaching out to gently touch these images, with softness and surprise. This is the way it should be.
You have developed a classically-simple structure here wherein the reader can hang personal thoughts, impressions, feelings, philosophies, conceptions, like an infinite closet. Your personal anecdotes are the spark of memory for others.
The final stanza subtly reminds us of the conditions of our Lease on Life. Very well done.
Viki, I usually don't criticize as I think there is no such thing as constructive criticism and I won't now. I don't take criticism well so I don't give it. One person's opinion is rarely better than anyone Else's. They just see through different eyes and have different thoughts. What you have there is very good, however I would suggest the following items.
In line 6, stanza one, I would change "seeing far" to "contemplating" as your view is more through the thought process than the visual senses.
The second stanza I would make more positive by adding two lines. line seven would be "but wounds heal" and eight "as I move on".
The third stanza I would leave as is.
Stanza four, line eight I would change to "and never forgotten", as truly cherished memories are rarely ever forgotten.
To stanza five I would add a comma after line three and add as a line four the word "always".
I hope this helps. Keep up the good work. Neil
PS A couple of weeks ago you mentioned having been in the hospital on morphine and being near death. If that was a recent illness, I hope you are much better now. Life is supposed to be enjoyed. However, it's those rough times that allow us to better enjoy the good times.
I love your poems. When I answer, I usually never read the answers until after I am done, then I'll edit if needed, but your style is so different that mine I need help, well, not help, but re-assurance, so I read your poems twice, read the answers and here I am. My limited poetic sapience needs oder of some kind. I envy your ability to create from a beautiful mind.
I agree with Andy P.......where I might be looking for points of poetic construct, with the enjoyment I get out of your pieces you can pretty much chuck that out the window. It's like a Bret Favre pass....totally unorthodox, but a thing of beauty.
What I have gotten with several of your last pieces, albeit at different times due to the challenges you are going through, is a introspective look of live through a fast forward, and well used rewind button as well. You would do well to travel on my Time Machine my lady.
No matter what has happened in the past, or will in the future, your commander in chief, your navigator, and your sin substitute, is what will see you some day into an Eternity of wonder and worship.
I am generally more rigid when it comes to my writing, counting syllables and constructing the form of a poem. But this piece flows smoothly and conveys meaning easily without all that. The writing style reminds me of the song writer Jackson Browne. From the first word I was caught and felt your sentiment. I liked the way you wrapped everything up by the 4th stanza and then gave me a little more to think about in the last. I enjoyed reading Minute Minutes and I like the title too. Very good work.
I like this Tori. Now I know what to say when someone catches me staring at a blank wall...it isn't really blank. The line "History is written on the air" is masterful.