My boyfriend and I have cheated on each other before. It's a long story but we're fine now. We had an idea to make a "contract to not cheat". I know it sounds corny and a little weird but I thought it'd be nice and fun. I need help with it though. Any suggestions?
ANDRE L
Favorite Answer
I commend the both of you for taking concrete steps to correct those past transgressions.
A few thoughts: In order for an apology to be meaningful, it must acknowledge the full extent of the wrong and the hurt caused by the wrong on the other person. No weaseling on this point. Being cheated on hurts the other partner, and that hurt has to be both acknowledged as being real and as being 100% legitimate. No 'I'm sorry if this hurt you', it has to be more like "I am sorry that my choice to do the wrong thing hurt you, and I understand that it did and that the responsibility for having caused that hurt was mine, alone.'
Now, with any breach of trust in a relationship, there need to be specific measures to show that the new patterns of behavior are trustworthy. So, things that might otherwise be OK, but that are on the edge of what started the prior acts, have to be off limits. So, no secrets in terms of e-mail, tweets, FB chats, or cell phones. All such form of communication should be available for full viewing by the other. Since both of you cheated on each other, that means both of you have to be totally open about your communications with others, especially with others in the same demographics as whom you cheated with. For you, all contacts with guys, and for him, all contacts with women.
This is serious stuff. I've been cheated on, in a prior relationship, and because she never owned what she did, that ended the marriage. So, honesty and owning what each of you did is a must.
PS. The other three answers are simplistic and wrong. On 'once a cheater', no, some people do make amends and become better after having faced their previous transgressions. It's wrong to condemn people who show evidence of wanting to change and of making an effort to change. Next, the issue of cheating is not that simple. Many people find ways to rationalise it, and if they face those self generated reasons, it becomes possible to be properly faithful and trustworthy.
And a contract is a GOOD thing, because it's a clear form of communication, a skill many divorced people lacked, which is why they are divorced. Better and CLEAR expressions of what each spouse will expect, and why, and what they're going to commit to doing is crucial. because communication isn't just about having your say, it's about being clear that the other person understood exactly what you said, and why you said it. Anyone opposing any way to improve communication within a couple is merely pushing a relationship to fail, when it doesn't have to.
Dan96
If you truly care about someone or love someone you would not cheat on them.
It is not okay to cheat on someone you care about because there has to be a part of you that knows how much it will hurt the other person involved or the fear of losing said person if they find out.
If you have cheated before and vice versa, there is nothing stopping you both from doing it again.
You clearly do not care about him enough to devote yourself entirely to him and give up the thought of other men.
The suggestion of a contract implies that there is now a lack of trust in your relationship and you both somehow feel that it will ensure loyalty between you two.
I suggest you both move on, it is not a healthy relationship to be in.
:) you will know the right guy when he is the only guy you want.
i + i
A "contract" will make no difference.
It's what is in your hearts and minds
that count.
Anonymous
You already make a contract not to cheat when you announced that you two would be boyfriend and girlfriend.
Bluepanda
Once a cheater, always a cheater.