Between the cloudland After-death Where archetypes choke the fancy's breath - And Underneath, the slave-world's girth Where confrontation binds men's mirth - Between, recline the downs Compose Where thrives imagination's nose.
Above, sky's science-loving sea Where freezes fabulosity; Below is Vision's workhouse grim Where businessmen indenture him! Amidmost, groves of Artistry Where feeling throbs, alive and free.
Reluctance here's beset with lots Of gentle heart-seducing plots, And here in children's sun of Morn Congeal the gifts wherewith they're born; From this alone of worlds that are May poets hope to reach some star.
skumpfsklub2018-02-11T19:14:28Z
Favorite Answer
Metrically, it soars, but I disagree with 5/7 that the rhymes are unforced. Here and there, I know you're reaching, trying to keep the point of your crayon inside the lines of form. I can't FAULT that, 'cause I do it myself. That aside, formally it's great work.
Thematically, you bite off a big chunk. Not every reader will have the teeth to chew it. Do you think you reached that segment of the readership you aimed for? If so, kudos!
But, um, here I deviate from criticism: I live to reach that kid who was a numbskull, until my words eased the paralysis of thought; you can't do that with lines that are too oblique, nor with allusions that are too obscure for the unscholarly.
very good stuff it made my heart race as i read i like how you stuck it in:) almost his life lost at sea when from the fire
a venomous viper latched on to and hung from his hand as the barbarians watched supposing he would fall down dead yet he just shook it off
but seriouly i think there are to many "where"s??? malita and maybe just maybe change archetypes choke to art -achokes type :) cause this is mykind a poem
What this site is about. I hope this is yours. It's deep yet understandable, couplet rhyme seems unforced, the message isn't strictly happy, but realistic. A minimum of EWD, extra word disorder. Well done.
This is creative. I like the mens mirth line.. that was funny lol. Is it all truly what you wrote down from your conscience and heart? Its being distinct in its own individual right. It actually does connect to how my perspective is which is why i aknowledge it. Im not experienced that much so i can only use imagery with some the passages in here im familiar with. I give it 3 thumbs up id give you an extra 2 if i grew another set