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Could somebody please critique this poem?
In Space
They call it "O," the point they make,
extending thence six segments straight
of which three plus directions take
called forward, right or up; create
their opposites - back, left or down -
which they are styling "negative,"
then stretch the ends past edge of town -
each duple axis, positive
and minus, perpendicular
to plane where other two may live.
These map-makers then go too far,
three signed coordinates t'assign,
three distances from ev'ry point
to get to any axis line.
What omnipresent powers annoint
these heads that feign to compass all
of space? They fear no vanity
nor reckon hearts of poetry
can sing their own geometry
where most ingenious pride must fall,
can rhyme how technocratic men
colleague in Mother Earth's disgrace.
Let reason's evil graphing then
in its cartesian plane or space
be closed in mirror pentagons
or by dodecahedrons bound
that center on the origins
of weapons formuls we've found,
derived by fiends who view 'til late
their cursed, fallen, broken state -
contracting them nigh unto death.
The rest of space can take a breath,
its denisens no more play rubes
all sliced and diced in squares and cubes.
Despite each migit-devil's jibe,
a huge icosohedral room
then let some poets circumscribe
about each moaning jail-tomb
so now imps view, at their release,
on each triangular bulkhead
old bards portrayed who've found surcease
from diabolic plottings dread,
or angels framed in trinities
who do with hellions what they please.
14 Answers
- Noah ThallLv 63 years agoFavorite Answer
Some great vocabulary in this. It's refreshing to see something beyond the usual teen angst and cliche love poems we see here. The end rhyme contributes some great humor to the piece.
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- 3 years ago
The first stanza is well-constructed. Nice metre and eurhythmic rhyme. After that though, it gets rather inconsistent and incredibly pretentious to the point where it would be difficult to join the reader to the poet. Having a large vocabulary is useful but complicated or pleasant sounding words are more often than not a dull choice whereas a simpler word may be much more eloquent and thought-provoking. It feels almost like an egotistical vanity project to me. I read poetry, both verse and prose, every single day for an hour or two a day and when I read a good poem, it puts me in a certain time, place, and summons a profound emotion. This one simply doesn't pass muster. Though it's worth point out that the author has a lot of potential that's untapped. However, it may take some time to unlearn the complicated verse the author uses and learn to use the correct context and regard to their reader.
- SKITTZOLv 73 years ago
I remember reading this on a poetry site.
It won an award.
Asking for critique seems pretty tongue in cheek to me.
- Anonymous3 years ago
The " Ousia". Io credo in Dio, Padre onnipotente, creatore del cielo e della terra; e in Gesů Cristo, suo unico Figlio, nostro Signore, il quale fu concepito di Spirito Santo, nacque da Maria Vergine, patě sotto Ponzio Pilato, fu crocifisso, morě e fu sepolto; discese agli inferi; il terzo giorno risuscitň da morte; salě al cielo, siede alla destra di Dio Padre onnipotente; di lŕ verrŕ a giudicare i vivi e i morti. Credo nello Spirito Santo, la santa Chiesa Cattolica, la Comunione dei santi, la remissione dei peccati, la risurrezione della carne, la vita eterna. Amen.
- Anonymous3 years ago
This makes me feel like i have to poop
