Is it normal for parents to go to their kids as counselors?

Question

Myself (23) and my brother (28) have parents who have fought for all of our lives. Sometimes it’s verbally, sometimes it is more. The fights are broad and include finances, the things they say to each other, not working on the house, work in general, deaths in the family, and more. Neither of my parents want anything said about their fights to anyone outside of our family, unless it’s one of them telling other people. That leads to mom just calling and texting my brother and I about their fights and everything said, and more. This has gone on for over 20 years. My brother and I have advised counseling, going to church, going to talk to a preacher, or divorce. I have even drove 35 mins home at 10:30 at night to try and talk to both of them at the same time about this. Nothing between them gets resolved, it just goes away for a few days till something else sparks a new fight. After over 20 years, there is nothing I know to say other than counseling, Church, or divorce, but my mom doesn’t want to hear that, she just wants to talk about every detail of their fights for 20 years. If I don’t pick up or want to talk about it, my mother holds everything she ever did for us over our heads. Is this normal for parents to use their kids as counselors? I’m tired of getting calls and texts once-twice a month about their fights

Rainz · Answer

I find it inappropriate that they've done this for so long. You are their children. You look to them for guidance and support. I'm not saying a persons children can't be a support system. BUT, they're dumping their problems on you. That's wrong. Unfortunately, if it were me, I'd tell them that I can't take it anymore and won't be responding to calls, texts or etc unless they get help OUTSIDE of the family. I wouldn't even visit them. That's just what I'd do. Good luck :S

Alan H · Answer

Unless the talk is constructive, simply say you do not want to hear it.
If it has gone on for over 20 years, your brother must only have been 7 and you 3, when they first came to you as counsellors.  How did you cope as such young children?

Linda · Answer

It is not normal for parents to go to their kids as counselors, but if you and your brother have always been available to go to whenever they have a fight, then she will continue doing so. Basically you are aiding and abetting your mother by always listening to the problems she has with your dad. What do you do now?...it is time to back off and put some space between your mom and you two as her sons, so you can live your life in peace and whatever happens between them happens. You gave them good advice about going to counseling and she refused it. Now, it's time for things to either work or time for divorce. Offer no more advice and start saying no more often to your mom when she wants to bring her problems to you or wants to hang out with you so she can get a break from your dad. You might need counseling yourself to learn how to say no and how to live your own life. She is an adult and it is time to cut the parental strings and let her live like an adult should.

Foofa · Answer

It's common but not "normal". You come from a dysfunctional family. You and your brother should sit both your parents down and tell them that they need to go see a marriage counselor. Remind them that you're both far too close to the situation to be of any real assistance in teaching them how to communicate better.

David S · Answer

It is abnormal and bizarre for them to use their own children as counselors.

Is it normal for parents to go to their kids as counselors?

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