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markus
Lv 4
markus asked in Entertainment & MusicMusic · 1 decade ago

Newly composed song lyrics....opinions?

There's a melody that goes along...but you can't hear it here.... I would like to have honest feedback about the lyrics even though you can't hear the song. Go ahead and be nasty...I'm looking for honest impressions, responses....if it says nothing to you...that's fine...and worth knowing. Thanks.

Additional Details

2 hours ago

Just beneath the surface

This is where I've been

Though I sink so slowly

I don't want to swim

Current take me, take

I peacefully give in

But let me come to the surface again.

There above the water

I have seen you fly

I have seen you pause there

looking through my eyes

Did you see me drown? I

think I saw you smile

and then you fluttered on by.

Here below the surface

this is where I hide.

I think I would have loved you

when I was alive.

Current take me to you

if only for a while.

I can't keep a butterfly.

And underneath this surface

there's

a brutal man

you'll never know

I've chained myself to

kindness .

Chained myself

to a sinking stone.

Love me, don't, I can't,

I

love you, let me go.

I promise,

I will

forget all

I know.

5 Answers

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  • LittleBitOfSugar
    Lv 5
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    I think it could work. Do you have a way to put it audio? Possibly on your own web-site?

    Sounds like a man dealing with a broken heart..Some of the best songs have come out of heartbreak.

    What about the hook? I think it would sort of wrap it and make it more complete?

    ~~~~~

    This part does not seem to flow for me.. Just my thoughts:

    There above the water

    I have seen you fly

    I have seen you pause there

    looking through my eyes

    Did you see me drown? I

    think I saw you smile

    and then you fluttered on by.

    After the "did you see me drown..and the next line..it seems very CLIPPED to me..Maybe a little more flow..

    Just a thought.. I'm interested in following this one with you.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I think it is a beautiful poem, although i do not know how it would work with a melody.

    The images it creates are vivid, a person giving in to the forces beyond his or her control.

    I would have to hear the melody to give an opinion on it as lyrics, but as a poem, it is haunting.

  • < Roger That >
    Lv 5
    1 decade ago

    Wow, that was really good! Sounds like it is both a bit dark and sad- something like Evanescense would do or a sad ballad, kind of like Staind does.

    Hope I am even in the right genre!

  • sashi
    Lv 4
    5 years ago

    exciting. you've a refrain of a few style - that's what catches human beings's innovations - to sing alongside. If the lyrics are too complicated, they are no longer remembered. super innovations - it rather is a glimpse on your soul.

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  • jimbomediterraneo
    1 decade ago

    Good Lyrics. Don't polish it too much lest you lose the good stuff in the process.

    If it came from your heart then that is a work of art.

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