TheStep-son is at it again...........?

I think that you and your husband need to sit down and talk about the boundaries that the two of you are willing to give him. You both need to be on the same wave length about what he can and can't do. The next thing to do is if the kid asks and you say no then you need to immediatley inform your husband about the answer before the kid can go try to ask him too. If he does then your husband will already know your answer and you will be on the same page about the situation. Don't let this 15 year kid manipulate the two of you like that. I'm 25 and I never disrespected my parents that way, because they knew how to stay in control. As long as you do that he should stop trying to take advantage of you both.

You already said what the problem is:

You wrote:

"I totally despise this child."

The teenager is doing what teenagers do. If they do not like the answer they are given, the run to someone until they get the answer they want to hear.

I suggest this though:

First, LOVE THE CHILD UNCONDITIONALLY. Then take a paper, write down his question and your answer. Then give it to the child's father before you leave, or before you go to bed, that way you and the child's father can be on the same page. Also explain to the father that when he undermines your decisions (or you undermine his) it shows a lack of control and power, and the teenager will use that to his advantage.

I did it with my parents, you did it with your parents, we all have done that when we were that age. We want something and we do whatever we need to (including lying, or running to the other parent) to get what we want.

Do not despise the child, because obviously, if he is a step-child, then he has already had to deal with issues such as divorce, etc. which are hard for children to cope with-- he has been though alot and needs a patient, loving step mom, not someone who will criticize him, judge him or despise him.

When you say no though, do not say just "NO", but rather explain WHY you are saying no, so he understands the reason behind the answer. By not explaining why, you are not showing him that your reason for saying no is to protect him (like "No, you can not go to that party tonight, because the parents will not be there, and I do not want to see you get stuck in the middle of a mess if alcohol is brought there, or if someone gets hurt. I understand that all of your friends will be there, but if being with your friends is that important for you, why dont you invite them over here for a sleep over tonight.?"

That way you not only explained your concerns, and let him know that you understand how he feels, but you have also offered a solution to his problem.

Anyway, that is my thoughts.

Your stepson is doing what most kids will try. He's testing the limits to decide if he can divide and conquer. You and your husband must communicate and have a set of rules established by both of you in agreement. Then sit Jr. down, united as parents and explain the rules and that they will be enforced the same way by both of you. If there's uncovered territory, tell him he has to wait until you can speak to his dad and make sure everyone is of the same understanding. Treat him as if he is your child, and love him and explain to him that you have only his best interest in mind and that you will gain nothing without his becoming the kind of person he will be proud to be and that you, as parents, can be proud of too. Tell him that you look forward to seeing him become a responsible adult living a good life, and you're doing your best to guide him. Then back off, give him room to grow up, don't micromanage, just monitor the important stuff and follow the plan you and your husband have made. I have been through this and this is the best way to handle it. It worked for me.

if you are an educated person who has a good reason to be respected by others (if you are not white trash like my stepmom who married for the money) and you have a kind way of going about things, then he should help you out a little, but he will never listen to you or think of you as a guardian. youre the adult and you need to do everything you can to make him respect you. you cannot go and think everything will be fine between you and him without making an attempt at some sort of friendship. if you just want him to listen to your orders and be a little chore ***** around the house then you need ato rethink your ****. his dad will put him before you for various reasons. the wrong reaction to this is to try and win the guy over your stepson. the right reaction is to treat him as family and to not act as though you have been part of the family forever.you cant go into a family and expect to take it over instantly. you need to wait and gradually become part of the family. you chose to marry some guy who had a kid so it is up to you how the karma of the family goes along. so get off you *** and stop thinking about how a 15 year old kid is ruining your relationship. it is you who is ruining it by trying to divide the family. besides avoiding chores isnt that bad.

Do you say no for a valid reason or just because he's your step son and you rather not deal with him?

If you know this is his pattern why not immediately tell the boy's father "johnny asked if I would give him 50 bucks for whatever and I said no" and wouldn't that eliminate the behind your back aspect of this relationship. This way the husband would always know what his kid asks of you.

Again do you say no because he asks for ridiculous things, money you just don't have but he needs it for legit reasons OR are you one of those step moms who resent the child of their spouse and undermine the relationship between the child and it's father? Seriously many many many women are evil this way and won't admit it.

you need to have a family meeting especially since this is a blended family!! if your step-son is unsure of where you stand on discipline or granting requests, he's going to run all over you forever!! your husband needs to know what's going on ,when it happens, tell him when you've said no to something so he doesn't make a mistake and say yes...he obviously doesn't know he's asked you earlier. that's how all kid's are though step, half, foster, whatever the relationship, kid's are sneaky, conniving little brats!! i have 2 of my own and i remember asking mom , then going to dad when she said no... good luck for now, he will be growing up in the next few years though...there is light at the end of the tunnel!!

You have to realize that even though you are the "new" mom, he is going to ask his dad no matter. Most step children do not want to ask nor do they feel that they need to ask the "step" parent anything, they are not there true parents. And to a point it is true. Maybe you need to have a talk with your husband and tell him that this is happening so when the son asks him for things he can ask if he has asked you already. You ar already sounding like you don't like this child, maybe you all should get counseling.

Oh boy, here comes the answer you don't want to hear. But I want to say it straight:

Your problem is with your husband, not the child. Why is your husband deliberately undermining his son's respect for the woman he has chosen as his "other half"? Why does he want his son to view you as The Enemy? Does it make him feel like The Hero when he vetoes your decision? Find the source of your husband's hostility and you're on your way to the solution.

Unfortunately, you are helpless in the situation without your husband's answers to those questions -- in private, without the child.

you should talk to your husband abut your feelings. If he doesn't know that this is happening then he can't fix it. if he does know then you need to come to a compromise with him and find a common ground on what is allowed and what isn't. Just keep in mind the kids feelings too. He is probably still sore to the fact that he has a new "mom" at a time in his life when he naturally hates his parents already. this is probably a hard time for him too. But communication is the key to every problem.

Talk to your husband about his son, first of all. Talk to him about how your son tricks him. And don't be too hard on him, after all you are his step mom, and he might think your a bit mean to him. Are you saying no just because you know his dad will say yes? Try your best to a bit nicer to him, if you think he thinks your a bit harsh.

Another thing to do is have a family conference, in the livingroom or at the dinner table. Talk about how you've been feeling lately. Good luck :-)