funny or not .?

Dec. 14, 1995

My Dearest Peter,

The cute little partridge arrived a little while ago,

and the pear tree sapling came a little while later.

I'm not sure of the connection, but I love them.

Love always,

Dori

- - - - - - -

Dec 15, 1995

Dearest Peter,

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just

imagine, two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your

thoughtful gift. They are adorable.

All my love,

Dori

- - - - - - -

Dec. 16, 1995

Dearest Peter,

Aren't you the extravagant one. Now, I really must

protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French

hens. They are just darling, but I must insist, you

are too kind.

Love,

Dori

- - - - - - -

Dec 17, 1995

Dearest Peter,

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now

really, they are quite beautiful, but don't you think

enough is enough? You are being too romantic.

Affectionately,

Dori

- - - - - - -

Dec. 18, 1995

Dearest Peter,

What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five

golden rings - one for each finger. You are just

impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds

squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love,

Dori

- - - - - - -

Dec. 19, 1995

Dear Peter,

When I opened the door, there were actually six

geese-a-laying on my front step. So your back to the

birds again, huh? These geese are huge! Where will I

keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't

get any sleep through all the racket. Please stop.

Cordially,

Dori

- - - - - - -

Dec 20, 1995

Pete,

What is it with you and those ******* birds? Seven

swans-a-swimming. What kind of god-damned joke is

this? There is bird **** all over my house, and they

never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and

I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny, so stop with

those ******* birds.

Sincerely,

Dori

- - - - - - -

Dec. 21, 1995

O.K. Buster,

I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going

to do with eight maids-a-milking? It's not enough with

all those birds and eight maids-a-milking, but they

brought along their goddamned cows. There is **** all

over my lawn, and I can't move around in my own house.

Just lay off me,

Dori

- - - - - - -

Dec. 22, 1995

Hey Shithead,

What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine

pipers playing, and do they play. They've never

stopped chasing those maids since they got here. The

cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over

those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The

neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

You'll get yours,

Dori

- - - - - - -

Dec. 23, 1995

You Rotten Prick,

Now there are ten ladies dancing. I don't know why

they call these sluts ladies. They've been balling

those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep

and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of

****. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpeoned me

to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.

I'm sicking the police in you.

One who means it!

- - - - - - -

Dec. 24, 1995

Listen Fuckhead,

What's with the eleven lords-a-leaping on those maids

and ladies. Some of those broads will never walk

again. Those pipers ran through the maids and are

committing sodomy with the cows. All 23 of the birds

are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy.

I hope you're satisfied you rotten bastard.

Your sworn enemy,

- - - - - - -

Dec. 26, 1995

Dear Sir,

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve

drummers drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict

upon our client, Miss Dori Drawers. The destruction,

of course, was total. All further correspondence

should come to our attention. If you should attempt to

reach Miss Drawers at the Happy Dale Sanitarium, the

attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight.

With this letter, please find a warrant for your

arrest.