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Jenny awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She went downstairs looking for him. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw tears rolling from his eyes as he sipped his coffee.

"What's the matter with you, my dear? Why are you down here at this time of the night?" she asked.

"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes, I do," she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us while dating?"

"Yes, I do remember," she replied.

"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?"

"Yes, I do," she said, getting a little teary- eyed herself at his fond recollection.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know... I would have been released today."

Stars & Flag

A visitor from The Netherlands was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.

"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."

"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."

**********

When Andrea was planning her upcoming wedding, she asked to wear her mother's wedding dress. She went to try it on and the gown was a perfect fit on her petite frame. As her mother's eyes welled up with tears, Andrea put an arm around her. "You're not losing a daughter", she reminded her mother in time-honored fashion, "you're gaining a son."

"Oh forget about that!" said her mother with a sob. "I used to fit into that dress!"

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course, child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my

mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you

have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!

My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.

A designer dress is like a barbed fence, it protects the premises with out restricting the view ;)

When your life is in darkness pray to God ask him to free u from darkness and if after you pray and you are still in darkness, please pay your ELECTRICITY

Alcohol does not make you fat it makes you lean ...... against bars, poles, tables and people!!

Oscar Wilde said that "Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth". And we have an Avatar !!

YA suggestion category for this Q is : Beauty&Style > Make up section !!!

At least we will be spared from the questions like 'Am I pretty?, 'Does he loves me? etc.

3 geezers are sitting on a porch in Miami Beach. Suddenly the first sighs and says:-

"Gentlemen, isn't life horrible. Here I am at an age that I can afford the best steaks and what? Bad teeth and gums. I have to eat ground or soft foods."

The second answers, "Yeah, life is a real bummer. Why here I am at an age where I can buy the finest wines, champagne but what? Ulcers, I have to drink milk."

The third sighs loudly and adds, "Gentlemen, I know exactly what you mean. Last night at 2 am I nudged my wife and asked her if she's interested. She screams at me, "What is wrong with you Sam? We just got finished doing it for the second time tonight!"

After a long pause the first man says, "So what is your problem?"

The third one grunts and says, "Can't you see? My memory is going."

Kelly limps into his favorite pub...

My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with RILEY", whispered Kelly to the beer tender.

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said surprised.

"He must have had something in his hand."

"Yeah” Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"

"Aye, I had - MRS. RILEY'S right breast." Kelly said.

"And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"

This elderly mother Superior belongs to Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfort during her last journey and gave her warm milk to drink but she refused to drink.

Seeing it one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the last Christmas, she opened and poured a good amount into the warm milk.

Reaching back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and within no time she drunk the whole glass of milk.

The nuns around asked her with respect, "Mother,please give us some wisdom before you die." She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, "Never sell that cow”.

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."

Failure to select correct domain names may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies:-

1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com

5. There’s the Italian Power Generator company… www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their website www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Tahoe? www.gotahoe.com

Note: If you check you will see that all above are working websites than 7 which is moved.

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and I was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in

phone booths.

I got one called Erogeonique, lovely girl, bending over in the photo, beautiful. So I pick up the card and I call the number.

"Hello?" the woman says.

"Hi, I hear you do massage and I'd like you to come to my room

and give me a massage. No, wait, I want sex. I want it hard,

fast and now! I'm talking kinky, the whole night, you name it we'll do it. Bring implements, bring toys, do the lot, all night, tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in anything. Now how does that sound."

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but sir for an outside line you need to press 9

This guy was very keen on doing Ph.D. and was in search of a subject on which no one did any research before! As he was thinking over it and finally found a cockroach on the table in front. Inspired he decided instantly to do a research on the roach.

He picked the cockroach and put it in the centre of the table and said "Run" - The cockroach ran.

He pulled out one leg of the cockroach, put it again in the centre of the table and said "Run" - The cockroach ran.

He pulled one more leg of the cockroach, put it again in the centre of the table and said "Run" - The cockroach ran.

This way the cockroach tried to run even when it had just one leg.

He pulled last leg of the cockroach, put it again in the centre of the table and said "Run" - The cockroach could not!

Satisfied with the study he started writing thesis

“When you pull out all the legs of a cockraoch, it cannot HEAR anymore.”

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the car, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

"When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the driveway." THE DOCTORS SAY I WILL WALK AGAIN, BUT I WILL ALWAYS HAVE A LIMP. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.