Do you do number two at work??

How to Poop at Work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE

Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)

Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH

Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME

Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER

Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)

Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS

Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR

Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH

Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE

Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON

Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET

Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED

Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY

Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

Your question is a toughie ! I have faced this dilemma several times myself. If the urge is rather strong and I can't wait I stalk the bathroom to make sure nobody else is in there. I open the window before hand and make quick work of my project. I flush as soon as it is deployed cause that will cut down on some of the aroma. I tidy the backyard quickly, flush again, and leave the stall with a quick glance at the bowl to make sure everything has fully flushed. I also close the stall door. Quickly but thoroughly wash my hands and depart .. no lingering in the mirror ...Lest I be caught.

A lot of thought, anxiety and work goes into planning number two at work... If I can hold off till i'm home I do.

I prefer to go at home, but when I gotta go, I gotta go... it's a long day at work plus an hour and a half commute, if I get the urge in the morning and held it, I'd feel pretty uncomfortable by the time I got home!

I have done it at work. But I work in a large company and we have many, large bathrooms. On the other hand, I have waited until I got home too.

It is not good for your body to not go to the bathroom when it needs to. Holding it in will cause more problems than a little odor will cause. Besides that is what a toilet is for.

Yes I do, and if I have digestive problems I side with Larry the Cable Guy and used the "crippled stool." They always keep it clean, you have plenty of extra room in the stall for spreading your legs out, and you also have rails to hold onto for power-squeezing.

"I believe that the crippled stool is the Cadillac of the poopin' stools..."

-- Larry the Cable Guy

"He's thought this out!"

-- Jeff Foxworthy

If you get the urge why wouldn't you use the bathroom at work? That is what it is there for.

But yes I do use the bathroom at work.

Bathroom etiquette!? Look, girl, you read too much friggin' Cosmo. when you gotta go, you gotta go! Do you actually work someplace that would give you the choice of pooping there or at home during work hours? ...didn't think so, so it's a moot question, isn't it? Pfft!!!

I am weary about doing that at work...but sometimes if you have an upset stomach you cant help but go - you cant hold it in its not good....just be sure to bring the baby wipes and lysol

I have IBS so sometimes I HAVE to go at work. But I try not to I just can't bring myself to do it. But when you have to you have to. I don't Like public potties either. I go home if I can hold it, can't go home to poo during work hrs.