OK WHICH ONE SHOULd i CHOOSE?

Hey Lily, nice poems. I prefered the "mermaid song". The second one has more cliches and is not specific enough. In general, you write well, but seem to be young. In youth, its great to flex your creative writing muscles. Keep writing. But I'd give two suggestions to improve the power of your writing:

1) Write about your real emotions from life experience. Although its imaginative to write about mermaids, its always more effective and substantial to write about what you have experienced. Main thing is not to be afraid of sad emotions. Through sadness comes wisdom, but only if you are not afraid. Write about what is inside of you. I noticed that you recently discovered you were of Cherokee descent. That's something to write about! Maybe you already have, but if not, why not try getting deep into that emotion and see what comes out? I'd love to read a poem about how you discovered a part of your ancestry.

2) Read a lot of good literature. See how the old masters did it. I would avoid bestsellers at all costs. Go for the writers who stood the test of time. I mean choose Ernest Hemingway over Stephen King anyday!

Main weakness I noticed in your poetry is that has too many cliches and lacks symbolic cohesion. This means your thoughts are trapped by words and expressions that you have heard in your daily life. For example, "destined to fall" is a dead metaphor. Its an expression that has been overused and now lacks power to move the reader's emotions. Another example is "what lay beyond". I have heard this hundreds of times. Words are not just words for a creative writer: a writer has to use words that penetrate reality and express a unique vision. If words are the writer's only tools, then she has to use the exact ones. Don't use other people's words.

I say all this not to criticize, but to offer advice. I have been writing since I was 17 and have been published many times. The older I got, and the less fearful of my own emotions, the better my writing got. Plus of course the reading helped. I am not sure how old you are. But as I said, you write well and have fire in your mind. Keep it burning! I wouldn't bother writing if I didn't think you had potential. If you didn't go to college, take english literature courses. There, you will read the world's best writers. It will help you a lot!

Great writers I recommend. Not all of these are novelists, some are psychologists, philosophers, native wise men. Check them out!

Ernest Hemingway, Thomson Highway, Black Elk, Joseph Campbell, Margaret Laurence, W.B Yeats, D.H. Lawrence, C.G. Jung, Jiddhu Krishnamurti.

Good luck. And keep in touch if you want. I'd be happy to read any other stuff you have.

They are both great poems but I prefer the first one as it sounds romantic. The word siren does not sound quite right try:- to silence, her silent or silent maybe that would intrigue more.

Good luck

The second poem.

Choose the Kingdom...you might lose the house and end up in a divorce,but sailors spread V.D.,...........

You will get the responses you are looking for in the POETRY section.

good luck

Poetry belongs one level down.

i like the second poem

**** off,no one gives a fuuck about your poems