Bridal Etiquette~ selfish & tacky or just plain disrespectful?

This is what I am doing for my wedding in September. I come from a split home and my parents are remarried. My father is giving me away. He is sitting with his wife in the first row, and my mother is sitting with her spouse also in the same row. But since there is a lot of disagreements with my mother and father, I asked them to have grandparents sit in between, or you could use an uncle or a friend.

You need to talk to your son and his fiance in advance and tell him you want to sit next to your husband. Chances are they might have no clue of what they are doing in the planning of their wedding.

As for American and European weddings, no father gives his son away. Traditionally the father of the bride gives his daughter away.

Also one thing to consider, Do they recognise the son n mother dance. If they do, they need to respect that as tradition.

Hope all goes well for you, and you do not feel left out in your sons most important day.

My advice, as much as you don't want to hear this, is to let it go. Perhaps she isn't sure of the etiquette regarding step fathers and maybe she was in a hurry and didn't have time to stop in and say hello the day she dropped off the invitation. I can see how giving flowers to people who aren't biological family members could open up a huge can of worms depending on how many of them there are. Maybe there are a few biological family members of her own who would give her a hard time if she did do it. Maybe she is getting it from both sides right now. Weddings are hard because you can never please everyone. If you don't let go of it or if you push your son about it then you will only be jeopardizing your relationship with him. He loves this woman and she is the mother of his child. Don't risk losing the relationship with your son over this.

If she is ruthless then you will only be giving her more wood for the fire, if she isn't then you will be the bigger person and things will be okay. Good Luck.

I am a wedding photographer and have been such for over 25 YEARS....and I ALSO had my OWN wedding with my own divorced parents WAY back 30 years ago.... Ok The correct assumption is that the GROOM is NOT given away by his father or anyone else for that matter (except the bride at a later date if things don't work out)... The groom DOES however have a best man who stands up for the groom, helps him out prior to the wedding, usually hosts a batchlor party for the groom, AND signs the marriage certificate along with the MAID OF HONOR ... divorced parents do NOT have to sit together at ANY TIME during the wedding or reception.....with the possible exception of the FAMILY TABLE at the reception and even THAT can be broken up into two separate tables (and SHOULD be if there is tension between the two biological parents)....step parents SHOULD be invited and treated with the respect and dignity of a PARENT by both the bride AND the groom. and if the two DIVORCED people aren't mature enough to sit in the same room and be CIVIL to each other for the sake of the wedding, then I feel SORRY for your son and his new bride. Whether you like it or not, your son's FATHER is his father for the rest of your son's life....there are going to be countless times that you will have to be in the same room with him over the next several decades... resign yourself now to buck up and be civil or your son's children are going to learn that their GRANDPARENTS are BIG BABIES!!!!! and there is NOTHING that says a BRIDE TO BE has to PERSONALLY bring a wedding invitation to the grooms' mother...usually, the grooms mother does nothing but help throw the rehearsal dinner (with the grooms FATHER and stepfather) and show up at the wedding and be part of the wedding party during pictures at the wedding, and during the reception...flowers do not HAVE to be given to step-fathers OR step mothers and if neither is close, then why WOULD they be given flowers? But, you should be sitting with your CURRENT HUSBAND at the WEDDING AND THE RECEPTION!!!

First of all, you HAVE to let some of your anger go sweetie - not for HER but for your SON. He is beginnning a new marriage and the last thing he needs is to be pulled between the 2 most important women in his life. I know you're so angry and hurt over everything but as a mother, you know it's usual to put him before yourself. You've done it his whole life - why stop now?

Secondly, I'm not sure what her problem is. If she grew up in a dysfunctional family, chances are she didn't have a June Cleaver mother to explain to her all the rules of etiquette when it comes to weddings. It's probably part ignorance and part being tacky.

Thirdly, this is something you should discuss with your son in a calm and loving manner. Don't bring up example after example. Be loving and just say "son, we love you and we've tried to be as loving and accepting of ___(insert her name) as we possibly can but we feel saddened that she seems to be pulling you away from us. We're also a bit hurt that your step-father, who really raised you and was there for you, is not being included equally in the wedding." Don't get into a big argument. Just let him calmly know how you feel.

Without knowing her, it's impossible to say if she was intentionally not including your husband, or if she was just being ignorant. But there is a wrong here that needs to be corrected. It's a major social faux pas to invite a person to a wedding without their spouse, and an absolute slight to invite the mother of the groom, but not invite her spouse. And you certainly don't invite 2 divorced people on the same invitation!

You son may be letting her make all the wedding plans without realizing what she's doing. I suggest talking to your son immediately re. the invitation omission and the pew seating. If he doesn't side with you to correct this, then you have a serious problem with your son on your hands. I would insist on a NEW invitation correctly addressed to you and your husband, an apology from her, and a change in pew seating.

As for the flowers, feh, not everyone can afford 'em. (Okay, she turned down your offer to pay for flowers--I don't have a problem with that.)

Your whole family is dysfunctional. I recommend counseling all around for everyone, you included. I would not sit a pew with my ex husband and I would not sit without my current husband, I dont' care what the bride says. I don't see what your problem is with mailing the invite, that's the proper way to do it. The fact that your current husband's name isn't on it, is a complete breech of etiquette and out of line. Grooms do not get given away, that's just weird. I don't know about the babysitting. I'm sure there's a reason, even if you don't like it. You can say how good you've been to her all you like, but that doesn't make it true. I'm not saying it's not true, but my MIL says the same thing and she has tried to break up my marriage more than once. I don't consider that being good to me. Like I said your whole family needs some serious therapy.

I don't know what your son has been smoking but the parents of the GROOM don't give him away. That is for the bride only. He is a man. It is an old tradition. The minister or priest doesn't say: Who gives this man? I think this will just be the beginning of the dysfunctional problems with this girl. Pray every night that they don't have kids because it is going to be a mess. I give the marriage about 8 months. It is both ignorant and not respectful.

It sounds like shes a low-life who is self-absorbed and lacks common sense. However, that does not mean you should be analyzing every little thing- like the invitiations, just let it go, its an INVITATION and she does not have to consult you on them.

Focus on the things that matter- having your husband be a part of the day- just talk to your son & her, in a non-confrontational way, and say "He is just as important in this whole family. I think it would be wonderful to have him sit next to me. What do you think?" And dont trash your ex, that only makes you look petty and confuses the real issues at hand. You need to get along with your ex on that day for the sake of your son.

Perhaps she is on a budget and cannot afford to give out flowers to anybody but bilologicals. My family has divorcess and I have 6 grandparents, 3 dads, and would have 4 moms except my biological passed away. That really adds up in flowers.

As for the seating, just talk to her. See if his father can be seated near the aisle, with you next to him, the stepfather next to you, the grandparents. If she wont compromise that way I know it sucks but it's just the ceremony and a small thing. It would be diff. if you were seated apart at the reception.

Don't judge her because she is now close to her family. It's tragic that it took a deadly accident for it to happen but sometimes it ends up that way. Be happy for her and enjoy your son getting married.

Just for the record as far as not "having the guts" to give you a hand delivered invite it is actually proper to mail them regardless.

It sounds like you are very predjudiced against her. You need to try and work on forming a decent relationship because the wife IS supposed to be number one in the man's life...not his mother.

Tradition vs. Misunderstanding? I was married in 11/05 and planned my entire wedding for fear of people getting upset or overwhelmed. (I've been a bridesmaid 4x and had prior wedding experience) After my wedding I realized how my mother in law had, and still has a problem expressing herself. Wedding planning is very stressful and it's very hard to make everyone happy. I had people volunteering to be in my wedding when I just wanted a small ceremony. A lot of things were adjusted to make my mother in law happy. The date of the wedding was changed to make her happy, the menu was designed to make her happy, more bridesmaids were added to make her happy, 5 limos to make her happy, flowers for extended cousins, I can go on and on. But I have news for you, even after all these gestures she was still not happy. It made my husband and I fall into a real hard time after our first few weeks. Major fights because she would try to find ways to get attention. Bottom line, my husband is everything to her and she was having a hard time accepting me and letting go. He's 42 years old! Things are better now, but ask yourself if everything was going your way would you still be okay. Or, are you afraid of your son forgetting about you. The girl sounds immature but don't try to make a festive occasion into something that may be just miscommunication. Talk to your son. This should not be a big deal, it should be a beautiful day for everyone. If you want your husband next to you just say something to your son. If you want flowers, buy extra flowers on your own. just don't make a fuss. But if you don't speak up now you may turn out like my MIL with a puss on her face the entire wedding day. I think she wanted the photographer to come to her house but hello tradition is the photographer comes to the brides parents house. At one point, I told my husband she should where the white dress and I should just stay home. Good luck to you and your son still really loves you. He's also adjusting:)

** I just remembered, she called me weeks before the wedding asking for my husband's aunt to be in the wedding, but "no" is not part of her vocabulary. So one day, I got a call demanding that the aunt was in the ceremony. Then a week after the wedding, she called my mother at 10:00pm and was drilling questions on what time her limo got to the reception for pics. My mother was in tears and hurt. Well, there you go... All of that and she still wasn't happy. After the entire episode was over I demanded that she apologize to me for her behavior. She did. But why did it have to go that far. Self-centered. To this day I'm still resentful towards her and the nonsense that was caused. Oh yeah, those 5 phone calls on our honeymoon didn't make things better either. Think carefully before intruding on one's marriage. It's about them and their new life. Listen to the song, Let Go by Frou Frou:)