So, what do you think? my second awful poem.............?

Question

So here it goes. number two. this one really is awful. and depressing. but what can i say, i was a depressing teenager.  This is a poem i wrote when i was 17, and my first girlfriend had just broken up with me.  probably because i wrote poetry. oh well.......


Beautiful Eyes (Revised)

Beauty undefined is captured in the grace of eternity,
And love not returned withers in the depths anticipating renewal.

Lovers are driven to quarrels,
And hearts ripped open by the sheer force of misery.
The empty hole in the heart widens to engulf the rest of the ever loving fool.

Trust misplaced leads to personalities replaced,
And one can’t but weep in the face of despair.

Hope eternally springs from visions of the past,
Yet seems as lost as the melancholy wanderings of the strange.

For everyone’s a shade,
Yet there’s not a tree to supply,
And the arms of the life giver reach beyond the murk and into the depths of death.

The sound of the clock bringing never ending sadness into the self, 
And the self needs ways.
Always needs ways.

The border between that which is real and everything else is exactly where you put it, 
Yet never where you want it.

Heart wrenching mumblings that wrench no heart, 
But cause laughter to bubble forth from the beautiful lips of theonce loved.

The melody of ages bent to the will of the shaper, 
Then condensed to seconds in the blink of an eye.
A blue eye lined with orange.

Beautiful Eyes.

Everyone sees them and desires them, 
And some of the many may even love them.

One at least.

Beautiful Eyes.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

wow you are good!!! but be less depressing!!

barra · Answer

Wow, that sounds like me 20 years ago. You have got to take delivery of your body the way in which it is. I have had a health care provider call me , i'm 5'4 a hundred thirty pounds obese once I was once a long way from it. Now not all and sundry are stick skinny, nor do I want to be. Which you can be healthful and not fot inot this rattling charts theb dr's say you ought to. And tell that damn boy he can kiss your *** , if he's handiest with you purpose your thin he feels like a real piece of sh-t. U sound like a wise woman, good luck

madeline b · Answer

It's so strange to me that I don't read this as being depressing. I don't know why, but it seems more of a statement of fact? 
I really liked it though, especially the line trust misplaced leads to personalities replaced.
I also liked the eighth verse. It works nicely in my mind, margot.
You have talent nyx!

Carneliana · Answer

This is a good poem.
I liked the phrase:  melancholy wanderings
Also:  For everyone's a shade (b/c it is juxtaposed with the line:  A blue eye lined with orange) I really like that line b/c it's so visual for me.  I almost want it to end on that line. 

Keep writing!

haringmarumo · Answer

its not awful , its just that i did not like the part lovers driven to quarrels it sounded immature but you have a certain style in writing and you do have the gift.

margot · Answer

NYX,

what are you trying to do, what are you trying to say?  

you need focus, my man, focus.

where are the commas, the line breaks?  
this is one long run-on sentence, fool!  
where you goin' wid dis?

lighten up honey, t'aint enda da wurld.

tighten up honey, beautiful eyes?  they need description and this aint dat.

focus baby, focus.  you got wat it takes. 
 "heart wrenching" wat?  your one best line.  that should dictate!  

heart wrenching mumblings that wrench no heart?  i'm there.

laughter to bubble forth?
i'm gone.

is this peanut butter and jelly we'se talkin' about?

come on brother.  dance.  i know you got it in you.

dance.

Added:  This was in NO way intended to offend.  If it did, I am truly sorry.

icezkori · Answer

Sounds depressing but really a good one.

Anthony M · Answer

I like it but I don't know how I should grade this.  And that doesn't happen very often.

Anonymous · Answer

this is a good poem,i will give you a star.

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So, what do you think? my second awful poem.............?

9 Answers