a short poem i wrote a while ago?

Question

I sit cross legged cross eyed staring into space ,

Believing to believe that such a simple act should lead to redemption 
Truth is subject to each hour, for with each day a new truth is found
Relevant …. Relevant to me 
Peace is a cloud that u can sink into forever 
Just keep sinking,
Enveloped by steam, water vapor clinging to my skin,
Warm in the cold sky that surrounds me,
How words and thoughts trickle from a place that cant be seen,
I turn the key on another day 
I play this song some other way 
I feed my soul a bitter pill 
My expectations are eating me up whole 
Money is alive my innocence is stole 
Never to return I’m amongst the rest ,
Fighting for the scraps like a pack of wolves 
We’re lost and found , until we leave it to chance 
To drift away in this place we call life

livemoreamply · Accepted Answer

Very good.  I feel a passionate, yearning speaker in the words.  Powerful, but more like a hurricane driven flood, than the artful power, grace of a waterfall.

Language is perhaps awkward.  Ex.  

"Believing to believe".  Try "Begining to believe", "Starting to Believe", "On my way to believing", "Guided to believe" or "Guided to the belief". 

"Relevant....Relevant to me". - I would avoid use of the word twice.  It doesn't contribute anything new.  Try recasting the sentence.

Same for "Just keep sinking" -- contributes nothing new.

"I turn the key on another day"  - Interesting imagery.  How can you make the turning of the key appear to "open" the new day?  Food for thought.  Same for "bitter pill".  You need to build the tool you plan to use, lead the reader to your hidden thought, but make it seem a natural progression from where you began to where you land.  It's like you're leading a dance; you need to eliminate the awkward turns so that anyone can follow.

Overall I give it an "A-"; not quite an "A" but definitely better than a "B".  Good work.

Dondi · Answer

There is one in every crowd, someone who wants to rain on your parade, and make wording suggestions that tend to destroy the meaning of your work, or place emphasis where you don't want it.  Leave it alone.  The only work I think it might need is on the cadence, and that's really not bad, just a tad awkward when suddenly jumping from a long line to a short one.  I like it.  That fact an 20 bucks might get you a cuppa coffee, but there you have it, said and done.

? · Answer

There are some decent lines, but ultimately I do not know what you are specifically trying to say: it seems very generic. 

It is very stream-of-consciousness to me. 

Poetry is like any other art form: it requires discipline. Maybe you should work on trying to keep the topic consistent?

coiscou · Answer

i admire this piece on the entire somewhat critique (I even have found out from others in YAP) your first stanza is your maximum popular one with such an excellent flow then in stanza's 2&3 your final line of each and every chop on the flow stanza 4 does not flow in line 3 however the rest do after my critique, i will say i admire this piece as that's, tough spots and all thank you for sharing it with us and thank you on your provider to our us of a! God Bless you!!!!!! ?

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a short poem i wrote a while ago?

4 Answers