What could I do to make this poem better?

I've been where you are with many of my poems. I've struggled with one for fifteen years and it's still not where I need it to be. You seem to want a frank answer so here's my opinion.

This poem is full of abstract words that make it vague. There is little imagery here. The abstractions make your writing voice indistinct. I believe you could probably perform this as spoken word and be effective because you could add the inflection and emotion that the words aren't conveying on their own. What would be more effective is to begin a separate rewrite that includes images that convey these statements you are making by painting pictures for your readers.

Good luck on this. I know how frustrating it can be.

the Words, the Language

that We Speak,

or dont defines us

Determining Anger.

the Peace is Meek

and Underfed,

and hunger undermines us

Begin a fight—

Now and Forever Falling

to Black and White—

that subsequently leads to War,

and Yet even More

choose to follow Jealousy,

or perhaps Complacency, though the Door

to Live or Die with the Rest,

that is, until the BandWagon explodes—

a Performance done for Peace,

but only ever erodes

the Pedestal that We put It on—

Again and Again till All Are Gone

to the War of Opposites.

Now stop and Look at Rising Dawn!

Look at Black, Look at White,

see them bleeding Equally?

as All are Covered in the Red,

and Peace will be the Next Decree;

Yet it will Fail like Usually

made some changes

but its good, i like it

I like the additions the above person (jibrilz) made....the only thing that sounded odd to me was the last line. Rather than write it for you, I suggest that "Yet it will fail like usually" sounds odd and is grammatically incorrect. I would suggest rewording that line, and continuing to explain "Why" it fails.....which from your poem I infer would mean that Black & White drift apart again ideologically, or physically, or however you wish to frame it. It would be a stronger ending if you were to include the words "Black & White" since it is the name of the poem. Otherwise, a good work in progress...strong theme. Very nice.

It's a good poem, it's only missing soul. By that, I mean, it's obvious that one are quite intelligent, but have you felt some of these things yourself. Like music, the best poems are the ones in which you can almost feel what the poet is saying. Experience something thru their eyes.Write what you've lived. You would be surprised how great it can be.

Its really good, but u should make it all rhyme or all just fit together. Not really both. I think the last line should be "Yet it will fail as usual". Hope this helps!

Personally, I think you have too many words capitalized. It's distracting. If you really need to use capitals, I'd only capitalize the words you want emphasized. Also, "like Usually" is awkward.

I'd cut down on capitalization and punctuation.

Where you break the lines is where the pause is, so there's no need for commas or periods, and if you put your emotion into what you write, there's no need for exclaimation points or question marks.

It doesn't flow quite right, so I'd fix that.

But I like the way it progresses.

Tiger tiger burning marvelous/ unsure if Byron i think of that I shall in no way see a poem as amazing as a tree./Joyce cost of the mild brigade?/Tennyson Whose woods are those/Robert Frost The Raven/Egar Allan Poe

Distracting, yes. I find myself always reading the next line, but, not savoring the one that I just read. Keep re-writing it until it sounds good. I have held on to things that I tried to write in high school, that I finally correctly formatted in my 30's. Writing is a bit like cooking...season to taste and cook until tender and nearly all of the pink is gone...then serve it up.

Um, they kind of read like a lot of headers with the somewhat random capitalization. You may be trying to emphasize them, but is it really necessary? If you prefer to stick to it, at least change "BandWagon" to "Bandwagon"?

And you might want to change "though" to "through" too.