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loser
Lv 4
loser asked in Arts & HumanitiesPoetry · 1 decade ago

I have made revisions, have they helped?

or am I still on the wrong path?

Black and White

The words, the language

that We Speak,

determine our anger, because

the peace is meek

and underfed, so

let us take a look at a fight—

which Now and Forever falls

to Black and White—

that will subsequently lead to War,

and yet even more

will choose to follow jealousy,

or perhaps complacency, through the door.

They will Live or Die, like the rest,

that is, until the bandwagon explodes—

a performance done for peace,

but only ever erodes

the pedestal that we put It on—

and soon enough we are all gone

to the War of Opposites.

Now stop, and look at rising dawn!

Look at Black. Look at White.

Can you see them? All bleeding equally.

and All are weeping tears of pain,

and peace will be the next decree,

but it will fail. Who cares to be free?

Update:

Ben W, I do understand where you are coming from. Let me explain. The words and language that determine our anger are the racial slurs that anger people when they are used. That ties into the growing metaphor of the fight between black and white.

Meek, as I used it, was meant to mean submissive, meaning that it would give in to anything. By underfed, I meant that it would always give up and never take anything for itself.

I hope this clears things up.

Damlovash, could you clear things up a bit for me? I am not sure what you mean. I do understand that the meter is off. I have been trying to work on that, but I am unsure of how to fix the "over-abstraction."

5 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    I think you have a lot of really good things going on. You have a strong narrative, and you're working with a metaphor, there is tension and action in the piece. I could be reading this wrong but, for me I get a little confused in the first four lines. Why does what we speak determine our anger? I usually think of anger as being something that is felt and then spoken about and not something that is spoken about and then felt. The order of the poem in this regard seems backwards. Besides there are plenty of enraged people that never speak, and for those people, their anger is not determined by what they speak but what they feel. When you say "the peace is meek,” I think you might be suggesting that peace is fragile however meek is often defined as

    1. Humbly patient or docile, as under provocation from others.

    2. Overly submissive or compliant; spiritless; tame.

    3. Obsolete. gentle; kind.

    Are you trying to say that peace is humbly patient, tame, gentle, kind?

    And if so then why is it underfed? Things that are patient, tame, gentle and kind are often so because they get their needs met. If I think of an underfed animal I don’t think of one that is "humbly patient,” I think of one that might be fragile, irritated, or angry.

    Like I said I may be reading the poem incorrectly, but if I'm not then I have a suggestion. I think if you rewrite the first four lines in a way that clarifies your intentions, then there's a good chance the rest of the poem will follow suit. I think what you might be trying to say is something like.

    Angry words can destroy peace because peace is not nourished enough.

    Words ignite

    the peaceful fields

    we failed to water.

    Anyways I hope this helps. You're a talented and passionate writer; I look forward to reading more of your stuff.

    Source(s): BA in Lit/Creative Writing from UCSC Masters Student in English/Creative Writing at SFSU
  • ?
    Lv 4
    5 years ago

    Revision would nicely be very daunting however the superb element you're able to do is tips on the thank you to revise effectively. =) to commence of you may make a revision timetable. Don’t plan this for a protracted time in the different case you may not stick to it. some people locate it is extra clever to pay interest on one subject, others locate it is extra clever to do extra; only don’t do too many diverse matters. in case you have a million tests to prepare for like me then a revision timetable is the superb. Divide some time up right and make certain each and each subject has the main suitable volume of revision time. some would be extra advantageous than others. Don’t forget to take time to study issues the different day. you may do approximately 10 - half-hour a consultation and take a 5 minute smash. you % what proportion hours you prefer to earnings! i might say 4/5 hours an afternoon for 5/6 days each and every week. =( locate your guy or woman way of revising, there are a number of techniques, listed right here are purely some examples: notes, sticky notes, pod casts, posters, flash enjoying cards. some learn extra clever with seen issues others learn extra clever with audio stuff. Ask acquaintances and/or kinfolk to objective you besides. in case you do unlike revising from books you are able to circulate on issues like BBC Bitesize, or Samlearning and distinctive different revision web content. BBC has countless pod casts besides. it is the superb to do the tests nicely first time around somewhat than leaving it until eventually the tip. commence early! the superb thank you to get confident for tests is to do countless prepare papers so which you get used to the form. =) it somewhat is critical to stability relaxing and revision so don’t over do it! good success! =)

  • 1 decade ago

    The rhyme scheme is nice, but the meter is very rough, and you tend to dabble too much in abstraction. Try to find concrete imagery to convey what you've only managed to capture with abstract words. It'll become a much stronger poem. I've given this advice before to horrendous poets, and didn't for a second think they'd be able to follow my advice. However, you're not one of them, and are at a level where I think you could actually benefit from it, so hopefully you'll give it a shot. Good luck.

  • Future
    Lv 5
    1 decade ago

    I liked it. The only thing I can say is that the flow is a little rough. But it is a good poem.

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    nice poem writing alittle unstable but i wont criticize cant write too much

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