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I have made revisions, have they helped?
or am I still on the wrong path?
Black and White
The words, the language
that We Speak,
determine our anger, because
the peace is meek
and underfed, so
let us take a look at a fight—
which Now and Forever falls
to Black and White—
that will subsequently lead to War,
and yet even more
will choose to follow jealousy,
or perhaps complacency, through the door.
They will Live or Die, like the rest,
that is, until the bandwagon explodes—
a performance done for peace,
but only ever erodes
the pedestal that we put It on—
and soon enough we are all gone
to the War of Opposites.
Now stop, and look at rising dawn!
Look at Black. Look at White.
Can you see them? All bleeding equally.
and All are weeping tears of pain,
and peace will be the next decree,
but it will fail. Who cares to be free?
Ben W, I do understand where you are coming from. Let me explain. The words and language that determine our anger are the racial slurs that anger people when they are used. That ties into the growing metaphor of the fight between black and white.
Meek, as I used it, was meant to mean submissive, meaning that it would give in to anything. By underfed, I meant that it would always give up and never take anything for itself.
I hope this clears things up.
Damlovash, could you clear things up a bit for me? I am not sure what you mean. I do understand that the meter is off. I have been trying to work on that, but I am unsure of how to fix the "over-abstraction."
5 Answers
- 1 decade agoFavorite Answer
I think you have a lot of really good things going on. You have a strong narrative, and you're working with a metaphor, there is tension and action in the piece. I could be reading this wrong but, for me I get a little confused in the first four lines. Why does what we speak determine our anger? I usually think of anger as being something that is felt and then spoken about and not something that is spoken about and then felt. The order of the poem in this regard seems backwards. Besides there are plenty of enraged people that never speak, and for those people, their anger is not determined by what they speak but what they feel. When you say "the peace is meek,” I think you might be suggesting that peace is fragile however meek is often defined as
1. Humbly patient or docile, as under provocation from others.
2. Overly submissive or compliant; spiritless; tame.
3. Obsolete. gentle; kind.
Are you trying to say that peace is humbly patient, tame, gentle, kind?
And if so then why is it underfed? Things that are patient, tame, gentle and kind are often so because they get their needs met. If I think of an underfed animal I don’t think of one that is "humbly patient,” I think of one that might be fragile, irritated, or angry.
Like I said I may be reading the poem incorrectly, but if I'm not then I have a suggestion. I think if you rewrite the first four lines in a way that clarifies your intentions, then there's a good chance the rest of the poem will follow suit. I think what you might be trying to say is something like.
Angry words can destroy peace because peace is not nourished enough.
Words ignite
the peaceful fields
we failed to water.
Anyways I hope this helps. You're a talented and passionate writer; I look forward to reading more of your stuff.
Source(s): BA in Lit/Creative Writing from UCSC Masters Student in English/Creative Writing at SFSU - ?Lv 45 years ago
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- damlovashLv 61 decade ago
The rhyme scheme is nice, but the meter is very rough, and you tend to dabble too much in abstraction. Try to find concrete imagery to convey what you've only managed to capture with abstract words. It'll become a much stronger poem. I've given this advice before to horrendous poets, and didn't for a second think they'd be able to follow my advice. However, you're not one of them, and are at a level where I think you could actually benefit from it, so hopefully you'll give it a shot. Good luck.
- FutureLv 51 decade ago
I liked it. The only thing I can say is that the flow is a little rough. But it is a good poem.
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- Anonymous1 decade ago
nice poem writing alittle unstable but i wont criticize cant write too much