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Screwdriver asked in Arts & HumanitiesPoetry · 1 decade ago

What do you think of this sonnet?

Sonnet 1: The road which bears no fruit.

The two roads diverge in the yellow wood.

Never again I’ll pass my trodden rock.

Nor should I pause in forked road I once stood.

Where grass is grown anew my soul will dock.

Untrodden ways, they said, can bear no fruit.

This speech unto me they wholely warned.

That for dreamers, life pays no tribute.

Aspire nothing, for gamblers will not stand.

But what to gain in life when yield’s certain?

When fruit is bountiful, it rots and wastes.

What gain when fruits arise without famine?

Where fruit is not fruit, sweetness lost its tastes.

“It bears no fruit”, I gaze upon the path.

“Bear fruit it will”, I said or face God’s wrath.

I was wondering if the sonnet fits the iambic pentameter of Shakespeare's sonnets. If it doesn't can you guys specify the lines that I should revise?

Update:

Oh yeah I forgot to mention that this was my 2nd draft.

8 Answers

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Well, start with line 1 -- rhythm is off. Try this instead:

    "Two roads diverge into the yellow wood."

    However, note that the words and meaning are almost exactly the same as Robert Frost's poem -- not a good thing to begin with what some might regard as a plagiarized line.

    Line 2 begins with a trochee (Never = / ' ) instead of an iamb ( ' / ) and the line stumbles after that.

    Line 3: "I once stood" doesn't scan properly.

    Line 6: faulty rhythm in middle

    Line 7 begins with an awkward anapest ( ' ' / ) and falls apart after that.

    Line 8 begins with an iamb ("aspire = ' /) but then is followed by "nothing" which is a trochee.

    Line 9 a bit off rhythm at the end of the line.

    Line 12 is faulty at "is not fruit"

    Bottom line is that the rhyme scheme works and is typically Shakespearean (abab/cdcd/efef/gg) but the rhythm needs some work. After that, consider the Shakespearean organization: First four lines state the problem or present a question. Next eight lines develop the idea, give examples, etc. Last two lines summarize, solve the problem. give the message.

    mailto:president@arlhs.net

    Source(s): Shakespearean and English lit professor (retired)
  • 1 decade ago

    I like it... a Sonnet yes, but your iambic pentameter is a little rough, even from the start. Look at lines 6 & 7, they have only nine syllables whereas iambic pentameter indicates ten. Shakespeare often uses feminine endings, which means throwing in an extra unstressed syllable at the end. If you want perfect iambic pentameter, look over the poem again and check out all your multisyllable words. Do you say di-VERGE or DI-verge? no-THING or NO-thing? cer-TAIN or CER-tain? The rhythm and accented syllables are just a bit off, but it is good, the meaning is there and its close to iambic pentameter.

    I also just noticed that the meter in the last couplet works, but it leaves "God's" unstressed... something to consider

  • 1 decade ago

    The thought is good and the poem moves well but there are linguistic problems - maybe a lack of punctuation - that mars the symmetry.

    Examples:

    [Nor should I pause in forked road - I once stood.

    Where grass is grown - anew my soul will dock.]

    which bits fit with which verbs?

    [What gain when fruits arise without famine?

    Where fruit is not fruit, sweetness lost its tastes]

    I actually don't understand the thoughts here - is that famine makes fruit more precious - and what has sweetness to do with non-being?

    [“Bear fruit it will”, I said or face God’s wrath.]

    The phrase "or face God’s wrath" needs to be in quotes I suspect as it is part of what the speaker is saying.

    Not trying to be picky but good language makes for clarity of understanding.

  • Yes, it is a sonnet. I like it. It shows someone with a purpose, someone who continues to journey no matter where it leads without looking back. Keep writing.

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  • 1 decade ago

    I found this so moving and I related to it, you really have a talent, I write poetry myself but after reading yours, think it's time to bury the pen, you far far exceed me, all the very best Ann.

  • 1 decade ago

    EXCELLENT, fits in nicely with Shakes work, try reading it with the second and third stanzas swapped with each other. Tidy and polished in my opinion. Well done.

  • 1 decade ago

    First of all.That's not a sonnet. It's a poem. It's not bad either. My only advice is to leave out any reference to God.

  • 1 decade ago

    I love it.

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