Can you write a Yuletide story using the items listed below?

"Look Santa." Said Mrs Christmas with concern in her voice, "This year Christmas Eve is colder than ever and you're not getting any younger. I think you should wear a pair of my Spandex (1) hosiery under your costume to keep warm."

"What," Retorted Santa, "And run the risk of being arrested by Officer Obie?(2) I suppose that you'll want me to wear diamonds(3) in my ears too?"

"I don't think that will be necessary." Said Mrs Christmas frostily. "After all you will be travelling through the Aurora Borealis(4) and there are no diamonds on Earth as beautiful as that. You can pick up some stardust as you go through it."

"Yes, I suppose so." Said Santa. "I'm sorry for being so abrupt. Now, before I go I think a tot of brandy(5) will help keep me warm. Why not pour me a large one?"

"As long as you're careful dear." Said Mrs Christmas, smiling. "I remember the Christmas of 1963 when you had a bit too much before you went. You kept singing Beatles songs while you were delivering.

"Yes I did, didn't I? Well, of course, everybody wanted their records for Christmas presents that year. I remember that by the time I got to 'Twist and Shout'(6) my throat was getting quite hoarse."

"Yes, well, you keep quiet this year and when you get back I'll have a nice glass of mulled wine and some mince pies waiting for you."

"OK my love. See you soon."

Sunshine wins, no contest IMHO sorry that is soooo not an answer......

Mensa Logic Test Question no. 42A

1. The problem with Sunshine is that if you give her ANY ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE she suddenly becomes Lara Croft. She has even been known to change into full body SPANDEX and attempt to attempt a Lara-esque version of TWIST AND SHOUT. Truly amazing.

2. DIAMONDS may be a girl’s best friend but Silva prefers the top grade called the AURORA BOREALIS or Northern Lights. They totally sparkle with refracted light. She has real style

3. Ghouly is going to a fancy dress party tonight as either a Police OFFICER, OBIE Wan Kenobi or Big Bird but he can’t decide which costume doesn’t make his backside look fat.

Guide to Students

Only one of the above points is true. Please select only 1 (One)

Diamonds are an Officer's best friend.

OFFICER OBIE put on SPANDEX leotards under his uniform today because he expected it to be very cold on his beat. Drinking spiked EGGNOGG the night before made him a little loopy, so he didn’t even care that the other guys would make fun of him in the locker room. A little drunk, and inspired by the sight of the AURORA BOREALIS, he began to TWIST AND SHOUT to the wilderness behind him that the DIAMONDS he prospected for in an old volcanic vent were indeed his best friend.

I was driving home last night at 1am in the morning, when I got stopped by Officer Obie.(3) `Ello, `ello, `ello` he said, `And where have you been to at this time of night? `I`ve been to the works Christmas party at the Aurora Borealis (5) I replied, `It was a 60`s disco, and we all had a really good twist and shout.` (4) `And did you consume any alcoholic beverage (6) at any time during the evening?` He asked `I`ve only had half a shandy` (6) I replied `Oh yes?` he said disbelievingly, `Well you`ll have to blow into one of these bags then`........`Hey officer there`s diamonds (1) in this bag!` I exclaimed `Oops sorry...wrong bag` he replied `I confiscated them earlier off Sammy Spandex (2)....and I reckon he`s gonna do a long stretch for those`....

VACATION TIME....YAY!!! I

I was in my room looking for clothes to pack and going through some of my really old stuff. I had also "opted in" on a story last night while ‘in my cups’, so I was also working that activity into my repertoire!

My sister Jane did a double take as she peered into my room. She stared at my butt with a pained expression on her face.

"SURELY you can't be serious!!! She said, looking aghast.

I had unpacked my collection of spandex pants from the eighties and was trying them on, thinking that when I got back from my two week "cleanse" they might actually fit!

I ignored her as I tried my favorite old trick for getting into too tight pants, laying flat on the bed and blowing all the air out of my body, then yanking on the zipper with all my might!

I guess even spandex has its limitations!! (hey, I used spandex twice...do I get extra credit?) The zipper snapped and the seam split!! If Officer Obie was around I could have been arrested for breaking and entering, or is that entering and breaking?? It didn't matter I had about ten pairs left in the box including my favorite…leopard print!!

(OK..I have exactly 4 words left to use "exactly" whatever that means!!)

As I sat there strangulating my internal organs, I thought of how much fun I had in the eighties! I wondered what it would be like to be that carefree again, that happy, that thin!!

"NEVER mind that nonsense" said a wee yamster-like voice. "Priorities are priorities...get your BIG BUTT back to the story!!" (I said "OK" meekly!)

Continuing to reminisce, I pulled out my old string of Aurora Borealis rosary beads from an old jewelry box. I had gotten them while in Catholic grammar school.

“Who needs diamonds when you’ve got Aurora Borealis is what I say” (I didn’t really say that but it works in this story!)

HMMM! I was getting excited!!! My bags were almost packed and I only had two words left to use !! Twist and shout” and “any alcoholic beverage” and I’d be done!! YAY!!!

(is this "cheating"?)

That got me to thinking. I walked over to my liquor cabinet to say goodbye to my companions, Jack Daniels, Captain Morgan, and the Gallo brothers.

“I’ll miss you guys” I said.

AND I will miss YOU guys on YA!! Unless of course I break down and take my lap top with me!

I arose early this morning with the beautiful picturesque vision of the AURORA BOREALIS in my window. This yearly event is always welcomed. I got up and got dressed in my new SPANDEX exercise gear and called OFFICER OBIE on the phone. He was my work out partner and I was ready for my morning work out. Christmas was only two da ys away. I still had shopping to do, but one thing I was glad of. OBIE and I were finally engaged. He surprised me with a small one-caret DIAMOND ring with three smaller DIAMONDS surrounding the gold band. At last, I saw his car pu ll up and I could hear his music blasting. He was playing and oldie but goodie song - "TWIST AND SHOUT. Our workout lasted two hours. Afterwards, as we cooled down, we celebrated the beautiful season with a glass of CRISTAL CHAMPAGNE!

CHRISTMAS IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

OFFICER OBIE asked his girlfriend, AURORA BOREALIS, what she wanted for Christmas. Aurora replied, “DIAMONDS are a girl’s best friend. How about a pair of stud earrings from my Stud?” Obie felt all “puffed up in the chest” from Aurora’s little endearment, calling him ”Stud.” He replied, “Gee, that makes me feel all, Me Tarzan, You Jane.”

“Well, Tarzan,” replied Aurora, “I wish you’d take off your shirt and then beat on your manly chest with your fists. I think it would be fun to swing through the jungle on the vines.” Obie answered, “Ha! Ha! That made me think of an old joke. The punch line was, “The vine, Jane, the vine.”

“Speaking of vines, what kind of divine WINE would you like me to pick up for dinner tonight?” asked Aurora. “ANY ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE will do.” answered Obie. “Surprise me!”

Aurora then asked Obie, “Will you please turn on the Weather Channel? I want to see the forecast for this weekend.” ....... The TV blared, “Well, shake it up baby now, Shake it up baby, TWIST AND SHOUT, TWIST AND SHOUT, Come on, Come on....” Aurora ran over and stood in front of the TV to watch. “I just love this movie, and this is my favorite part.” Obie remarked, “I must live on another planet, because I don’t even recognize it.” Aurora said incredulously, “You’re kidding!! You’ve never heard of ‘Ferris Bueller’s Day Off?’ You must have lived in a cave on that other planet! Ferris Bueller pretends to be sick and plays hooky from school. This is the scene where he is lip synching to the Beatles' TWIST AND SHOUT, and riding on a float in the parade.”

Obie laughed and said, “Well, back in the real world. I need to finish dressing and go to work. Have you seen my SPANDEX shorts? I have to do bike patrol today.” Aurora replied wickedly, “I think you look great just the way you are!” Obie smiled and answered, “I can’t argue with you, but they kind of frown on police officers just wearing a shirt, whitey tighties and a gun.”

“Officer Obie, Could I make a citizen’s arrest--for indecent exposure?” asked Aurora innocently. “Time to get serious, Aurora,” answered Obie. “I see you hiding the shorts behind your back. Even though you’ve been a naughty girl, I’ll still put in a good word for you with Santa if you’ll hand them over right now!!”

“Tell you what I’d really like for Christmas is some snow--besides the earrings, of course!” answered Aurora. “OK, you drive a hard bargain,” joked Obie. “We’ll drive up to the mountains over the holidays, and throw snowballs at each other.”

We leave our story with Aurora dreaming of a white Christmas, and Officer Obie patrolling the streets of San Diego wearing a complete uniform.

Sunshine, Matt, Festus, Miss Kitty and .....Ghouly

"The Wonders of Spandex"

Sunshine eyed Matt up and down. In his (2) Spandex running pants he cut a .....dashing (pant pant) figure!

Sunshine:"Baby? Get your *** over here RIGHT THIS SECOND!! It's time for a little pre-Christmas celebration!!"

Matt laughed:" NO WAY!!! I know what you have in mind and I absolutely MUST take a jog. You don't want me getting fat, do you?"

Sunshine:"Fat, shmat !! COME HERE!"

Matt ran out of the room before she pounced on him.

A few minutes later there was a knock on the door. In marched Festus, Miss Kitty and Ghouly.

Kitty:"Idiot forgot to fill up!! AND he forgot his cell. Festus still doesn't own one and mine fill in the sewer when Matt ran past us.....GREAT GAWD.........SPANDEX !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Sunshine was still flushed from her encounter with Matt.

Sunshine:"Yes, well, let's not focus on Matt's pants, shall we?!"

Both women wiped their brows and drank a cold glass of water. Kitty sprinkled a few drops on her fevered face. She looked at the yuletide decorations that were scattered throughout the house. she rolled her eyes at the tree in the corner....All the bulbs had pictures of desperados that Matt had put in Boot Hill!

Ghouly:"I would appreciate if if you would NOT refer to me as idiot, you redhead from a bottle, you!!"

Kitty:"What shall I call you, then.....(3) Officer Obie??!!"

Ghouly looked confused.

Festus:"Don't even ask!! It's too long a story!"

Sunshine:"Can I get anyone a glass of Wassail?"

Festus and Ghouly eagerly raised their hands.

Sunshine:"Kitty?"

Kitty:" (6) Any alcoholic beverage will do." ( ☼ ROCKS!)

Just before the tow truck from AAA came with the petrol, Matt returned. Kitty and Sunshine jerked their heads around.

Matt:"Hello, all. What's cooking? He grabbed Sunshine and postioned her under the mistletoe. Planning on a little peck to the cheek, he was happily surprised when Sunshine started kissing him passionately !

Ghouly and Festus looked away. Kitty simply stared...... Once or twice she tried taking a sip of her Double Scotch, but she couldn't find the straw. ( She never took her eyes off Matt!)

Matt :"Kitty? What on earth is the matter with you? You look as though you've seen the (5) Aurora Borealis."

Ghouly smirked:"I can GUARANTEE you.... She ain't thinking about the Northern Lights, Matt ol' boy!"

Matt just grinned ,shrugged his shoulders: and smiled at Sunshine. " Hey, baby! I think I'll jump in the shower."

Ghouly looked out the window:"Here's the towtruck."

Kitty glared at Sunshine:" And where are YOU going, pray tell?"

Sunshine started undressing as she ran to the bedroom......"

To the showers!!

WAIT FOR ME, BABY....HEEEE HAWWW AND MERRY CHRISTMAS!!"

OFFICER OBIE donned his DIAMOND studded SPANDEX catsuit loaded on WHISKEY and headed to the AURORA BOREALIS dance club to TWIST AND SHOUT.

Oh yeah, and Merry Christmas.

lol.....yeah I'm dorky this morning.