Am I being a jerk or is GF being selfish?

Question

I’ll try and make this short.  I’m a single father of a 17 year old daughter that lives with her mom.  They live about 20 miles from me.

Because of her busy schedule (and the fact that she’s 17 and has friends), I don’t get to see her much.  

Example:  For the first three months of the school year, I only see her when she’s practicing for a school event.  I observe her from a great distance as she practices.  After practice she has to rush home and do homework.  Thus I only see her for about 5 minute twice a week.  Again this happens for three months.  This is the extent of my interaction with her.

I see her on our birthdays and sometimes for the holidays.  I didn’t see her over Thanksgiving weekend as she was sick.

For the Christmas vacation I saw her for a total of 4 days.  About 6 hours each time.

There might be an opportunity to see my daughter another 4 times during the year for high school activities but that’s about it.  

There’s almost no interactions between us as she is busy with the event.  But nonetheless for these activities at least I get to see her from a distance.

As you can see, I don’t get to see her very often.  So when we have the opportunity, I always jump at the chance.

My problem is my girlfriend of two years.  She doesn’t seem to understand that a lot of our plans are very tentative because I don’t get to see my daughter too often.  I know that we can’t plan a lot of things to do over the holidays because I want the chance to see my daughter.  My girlfriend feels like she is a low priority because I can’t commit to something if I think there’s a chance for me to see my daughter.  

I don’t understand this type of thinking.  I’m with her 6-7 days out of the week.  The only time I’m NOT with her is when I’m with my daughter (which is very seldom).  So what’s the problem?  I see my daughter about 12-15 days maximum out of the year.  I see my girlfriend about 340 days out of the year.

Please don’t tell me to have my daughter and girlfriend interact.  They know each other, but my daughter is selfish of our time together.  It’s father-daughter-quality time which I too value quite a bit.  Yes, the three of us have done several things together, but I still value my time with my daughter.

Am I being a total mother-f******?  Does anyone else have this problem?  I want to hear from BOTH sides, so if you have this problem, I’d love to hear from you.

Thank you!!

KT · Accepted Answer

I can see how your girlfriend could get a little annoyed if you can't make definate plans... it's like you're putting your life (and hers) on hold all the time... it can be a little frustrating to be left alone for a holiday when you thought you had plans...

However I also understand that you want to see your daughter (as every father should) and that you two enjoy your alone time. Is there any way that you could make definate plans instead of tentative plans that way you still get to see your daughter without making your girlfriend feel unimportant.

Anonymous · Answer

your daughter is very selfish of her time with daddy yet she ignores daddy and doesnt seem to care about the amount of time she actually spends with daddy as long as gf doesnt get him all the time she's happy.
It sounds like you've refused to make plans with your gf over the possibility that you 'might' get to see your daughter. I can understand daughter is #1. You said you spend 340 days out of the year with your gf, thats really nice, but how much of those 340 days are spent waiting to see if you will be able to see your daughter?
I feel bad for your gf, and if that was be, i'd kick your butt to the curb. However if your daughter actually made an effort, instead of just daddy making an effort to keep this relationship alive, I wouldnt be too compassionate about the gf. But your kid doesnt want too much to do with you right now. 
You say your girlfriend feels like a low priority, and thats because you make her one.
Im sure if you and gf had big plans, and your daughter called and whinned, you'd blow your plans with your gf just cuz she called. 
Hopefully your gf will see this and jump ship! She deserves someone better then you

somanyquestions · Answer

Your girlfriend is naturally jealous that you spend time with your daughter, even if it's just a short time. Your daughter is like the other woman in your girlfriend's man's life. So sit down with your girlfriend and explain it to her how important it is for you to see your daughter and make sure she understands this completely and that she's not just nodding her head "yes". 
As for your daughter, maybe you could schedule to meet once a month and she can't cancel or take a raincheck. If you want to keep tabs on her life, the greatest thing in the world is the phone! Call her, text message her, email her.  If she's spending alot of time with her friends, I'm sure she would be calling, texting, emailing them as well, so why not to you too? Wouldn't it be so cool if one day you were to receive a picture text message on your cell phone and it would be from your daughter? I think that's a good way to keep in touch.

Another baby boy! · Answer

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all...in fact, I think your girlfriend is being self-centered.  She should be understanding & respectful of the time you get to spend with your daughter..especially since it's not that often.   If your gf see's you all the time, then I can't see why she'd make a big deal about the few times you can't commit to plans with her.  Does she really expect you to choose her over your own daughter?  If she does, then she's selfish!!!

blessed is me · Answer

No, I don't think you are being a jerk,  she just need to accept the fact that you have a child.  I that she's just being selfish.  She shouldn't act that way and you are right your time with your daughter is your time.  You need to ask her how much more attention does she need from you in order to feel priority.  I mean 6-7 time a week seem priority to me its not like you going out with another women it's your daughter for goodness sake.

eldots53 · Answer

No, you are not being a total MF.  Your GF is being needy, immature and demanding.  For Chrissakes, the kid is 17 - she will prolly be in college soon, and you will see her even less.  Then the GF will have all that more of you.  If the GF doesn't understand your needs, maybe she is a selfish witch, and maybe you don't want to be with her.  Please don't marry this woman!  You will regret it!

a_embry · Answer

YOU SHOULD CHECK WITH YOUR DAUGHTER BEFORE YOU MAKE TE PLANS TO DO THINGS. BUT IF SHE SAYS SHE CANT, OR HAS OTHER PLANS THEN YOU ARE FREE TO MAKE YOUR PLANS.  DONT SAY I CANT MIGHT BE ABLE TO SEE HER. TELL YOUR DAUGHTER "I WAS CHECKING TO SEE IF WE CAN GET TOGETHER FRIDAY, IF NOT I HAVE OTHER PLANS." IT IS GOOD THAT SHE IS TOP ON YOUR LIST BUT OTHER PEOPLE NEED TO FEEL THEY MATTER ALSO.

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Am I being a jerk or is GF being selfish?

7 Answers