confused and need help (no teenagers please)?

Wow. You've got a lot on your plate.

First, I think you should try to seperate two different issues. You may be shy and timid, but this isn't the reason your mother has "controlled your entire life." You can be reticent and shy, many people are, but at the same time letting anyone - mother or not - control your life is not a fait accompli of being timid. It takes two people for one to have control over them - the controller, and ther person who allows it to happen. So I think you've allowed this to happen, but I don't think the real reason is because you're shy. It sounds to me like both your mother and you may have separation issues - there is a time to let go, to establish your independence - most people find it naturally, but unfortunately some parents just have a hard time letting go, and some children do also. It also sounds like she has used guilt as a factor in keeping you under her wing for so long.

Of course you don't want to hurt her in any way, but the bird has to leave the nest sometime, and it sounds to me like this process between you two has has become flawed along the way. That's a two way street - and you're allowing her to drive your own car.

I'm not sure why you think that "no guy will marry you once you become her primary caretaker." This is just plain untrue. A guy who cares for you, loves you, wants to enhance your life, will not let anything like this prevent him from marrying you. In fact, the quality you have of loving your mother and being very concerned for her well-being is an admirable quality, and should show the right guy that you have a good heart and love your family. This is a good sign. Any guy who wouldn't marry you because you have the need to take care of your mother isn't worth having you.

Letting her select your mates is where you've really gone off the track. Whom you choose to see is frankly, none of her business. You're old enough to vote, serve your country, and you are of legal age. Of course she will always care for you and want the best for you, but those apron strings have got to be cut somewhere - and should have before now. I'm sure you agree.

You say something very revealing about yourself when you say that you're afraid that you'll make "bad decisions" if you start taking steps to control your own life.

You're not happy with your mother's decisions, and you're afraid to make your own? Something's got to give.

Perhaps she has drilled into you so much that she knows what is best for you that she's prevented your development as a thinking human being with your own feelings, desires, and ambitions. You're cowed by her - and I know you don't want conflict, but this is your life you're living, and neither she nor anyone else can live it for you.

It sounds as though she is still parenting you as though you were a child, even though you are now an adult. She can't let go.

Everyone makes bad decisions in their lives, and we all regret, in hindsight, some things we have done. This is one of the things that matures us and helps us to become the people we want to be. No one is perfect and making bad choices is just part of growing up - in fact, some people make bad decisions all their lives - not because they're stupid, but because they don't learn from their mistakes.

And, do you really think you are so unintelligent as to not be capable of making the right decisions for youself?

You may be shy and timid, but what you really are is afraid to face the world and afraid to hurt your mother. There is nothing wrong with either of these things - they're normal.

If you loved this guy, you would know and you would not have doubts. It's you who has to control these kinds of choices in your life. It's no one elses business or their responsibility.

Change you major to something you want.. Tell your mother that you do love her and will do everything within your power to help her as she ages, but that your life cannot include her dictating your choice of friends or relationships. Whether or not you continue to live in the new house (which could have financial benefits to you and anyone you marry) for the time being is something only you and your mate can decide.

He may want to establish your own home together, and that is perfectly normal. It just depends on how you both think about it and decide, TOGETHER, what you want to do.

But you're having doubts about this particular man, and you should trust your instincts. You're the one who has to live with him, care for him, raise children together if that is your choice, and so on. Mom will never be married to him, you will be. She has no say in the matter - or shouldn't.

I can tell by your question that you are smart, and you have those brains for a reason - one of which is to recognize this unhealthy pattern and begin to live your life as the person you are - not want anyone else wants you to be.

Good luck to you.

My mom is sort of controlling also. My sister is married and in her 30's. They live with my parents. They HATE it. My parents are not making it easy for them to leave and make it very easy to stay. Not a nice picture.

Mistakes and bad decisions are OK. You learn from them. Don't worry about that. Start making your own decisions. I think it would be a good idea to move out so you can do that. Expect a lot of resistance from your mother if you do. Leaving the nest is rarely easy!

Obviously your mother has made a mistake also. It was her job to let you have more responsibility and get you ready to leave the house. That didn't happen.

As for your mother's health. Perhaps you can arrange something else besides you taking care of her alone. That's a big job. Still help her when you can, but I don't see why you have to do it alone.

1. It is really normal just chalk it up to over active hormones, it is completely natural having your period means your are physically able to reproduce, even though you are no way mentally ready(nothing against you). You are in a new phase in your life where you feel like you need more responsibility, and to be more independent, and a baby is the most independent and responsible thing a woman can do in her lifetime. 2. Yes, I am 21 and I am still getting these feelings, although much less than when I was 16. I know now was my desire to have responsibility and to be independent. Also I know in the past I thought it would make my life more stable some how (i.e. my boyfriend would love me forever we would get married and have a little house with a white picket fence, someone would love my unconditionally for the rest of my life). 3. I know how powerful these feeling are but what ever you do, don’t give into them. I know several of my friends throughout high school and college who ruined their lives by having a baby. To ease my baby desires, I watched a lot of baby shows, volunteered/worked at a daycare and just imagined how wonderful it would be in the future at the right place and right time. Always use protection, birth control, and withdraw, it is better to be paranoid than sorry later. Lastly, enjoy being 16 now because you grow up way to fast, and seriously college is the best time of your life and you don’t want to miss out on the full experience, if you have a child. I hope this helped I know how frustrating and overwhelmed you are feeling, but it will get easier to deal with.

I hate to say it, but you need to get away from her for a while. By "a while", I mean years, not months. I know that's going to be hard to do.

I hate to sound fatalistic, but you may end up waiting until she's gone to be able to do that, because you're not strong enough. Where is your dad? Can you live with him, or another relative?

Certainly marrying this guy is going to be a mistake, (for HIM, as well as you), because someday you're probably going to decide you made a mistake and leave him. That's what happened to me with my ex, and it has caused me MUCH pain and anguish.

I just got divorced 2 years ago (sadly) from a woman who lived exactly your life, her mom even telling her what to wear, and what to order at restaurants.

She was very immature and inexperienced, very much controlled by her mom (even after we married), I was her first boyfriend (she was 26 when we met).

Anyway, she ended up leaving me, partly because of her mom. Long story, but it was a huge mistake for me to marry her.

Looking back, I should have married her, then moved away from her mom.

I loved her dearly, treated her very well, took care of her always, but I got burned in the end.

I'm saying this stuff, because you're not thinking about the guy's well being here, but he's part of this story too.

It's very hard to be independent, especially when someone is resisting it this way, like your mom is.

Just tell her you're not ready to get married yet, and you need to find the guy yourself, then do that!

The reason for getting married, is NOT because your mom needs another person to take care of her.

Most guys are going to run the other way when they see this situation. I should have.

You have to appear more independent to get a good guy, and have a good relationship. Start dating other guys, soon.

Good luck.

Feel free to PM me if you want more direct advice.

I have a LOT of experience with this type of situation!

You need to get a life, seriously, and fast. How miserable you must be, I love my mom and all, but there is no way she is going to decide my entire life for me like yours has. Just spend time with that guy, if you want to see what it becomes. Either you like him or you don't. I'm sure you could find someone special later, even if you are your mother's primary caretaker. And don't rush into a marriage, you'll just make yourself more miserable!

Well....let me ask you this question.

When your mum is gone, who is gonna make the decision for you??

Think about it.....

Making decision is not easy as you know it yourself, but letting others make decision for you is 10x more worst than making one on your own. You really are a good daughter as you do whatever your mum tells you to....

Making decision on your own is not easy, it takes courage, boldness and a confident mind to do it. One of the many reason why people don't make decision on their own is because of the fear of falling down, disappointment. Disappointment isn't there to make us feel bad, it is for us to be stronger, so that when the same thing happens, we are wise enough not to fall on the same trap again....

Do you love this guy? Like is not strong enough to bond the marriage together. What do you think about him? If you ask me, i would say no, don't marry this guy unless you are really sure of it.

Running away from your mum won't solve this problem. No matter how far you run, she is still your mum....running away or staying away from her isn't the best choice i would say.

Respecting your mum is one thing but its about time you start making decisions on your own. Be more confident of your self, i think you can do it, ok?

All the best.

First, be willing to accept that any decision you make for yourself is better than one made for you. A very important way that we learn is from the consequences of our choices.

It's laudable to be on board with caring for your mother, but it sounds to me like she's programmed you to be her nurse instead of you stepping up and volunteering to do the job of your own free will.

You have some serious soul searching to do.

Your life will be your own and you'll have it to live once she's gone. Your partner has to be one that fits with your values and goals (yours, not your mother's).

I'm not suggesting that you chuck it all and rebel. There may be some very valuable parts of your life that you want to keep as they are. However, you have to learn to think for yourself, take care of yourself. You will not want to go into a relationship with a partner as half a person.

You know your mother loves you very dearly. She just don't want you to have a hard life. As far as this guy goes if you don't like him tell him to fu**off. Your just so used to doing everything she says.How are you going to look after her If you can't look after yourself? You have to put your foot down sweetie tell your mom you love and respect her. But you have to make your own ,,mistakes in life and learn from that.You don't want to be stuck with some guy that can support you,And only stay with him for that reason. He will throw it in your face sooner or later that your mother had to get you a man.He will only run you like your mom does.

You need to go to grad school FAR FROM HOME and escape the current lifestyle you're living. Tell her the truth and break out. You need to live a little....don't marry some random guy she chose, that's ridiculous.

Take baby steps and think outside of the box. There are plenty of books on gainging self control.