Boundaries and Consequences?

Some times we have to do things we don't want to do in order for the lesson to be learned by the other person.

For example remember when you were young and you had a bad habit lets say its running in to the street. Your mother told you no, yelled at you and you still ran in to the street. Until one day you run out in the street and a car is coming. At this point your life is saved but she must make and example for you. Because you cant listen to her request, she whips you. I can almost guarantee that every time you would look at the street you would think about how far away from it you would stay.

I my husband and I make an agreement, at the same time the agreement is made we would make an agreement on the consequences if our word is broken (who ever broke the agreement the consequence would not be in there favor).

If my husband went out and bought a shed that he has been wanting for a long time, knowing that we have been saving money for me a car. And he planned it out without telling me, he would not be in peace until he took it back. I would not nag him but I would talk about how wrong, disrespectful, and unjust his actions were. He would really be in any peace until it was back on the shelf at the store he got it from. I would not cook, no sex, I would work late so he didn't get to enjoy my time, I would call him (as much), and when we did talk I would be short answered with out an attitude.

That may not be the answer your looking for but this is the way I deal with my husbands immaturity.

Lying only has one consequence for me - I eliminate that person from my life in the best way that I can. Lying is something that cannot be cured by pressure from an outside person, lying is a life pattern, and if someone lies about small things, they will lie about big things, too. Broken agreements depends on the nature of the agreement-and whether or not the broken agreement is the result of lying.

it really depends on the situation... if you set set a boundary for your husband as in ... no cheating then you tell him the consequences if he does cheat would be... you leaving him ... if you set a boundary for a child... your curfew is 8pm and then you tell your child ... the consequences of you not coming home on time will be no phone, internet,tv, or going out for a week. Setting boundaries and having someone deal with the consequences of stepping over those boundaries is not an exact science and it depends on each person and their situation.

Each consequence will differ with each boundary crossed. It must be tempered toward what will cost the offender the most in terms of what is individually important to them. It is best to set consequences up front along with the boundary in order for it to have maximum deterrent value.

not following through on an agreement and/or lying:

ending the relationship is fair

not trusting them with responsibility is fair

limiting the time you spend with that person is fair

a lot also depends on whether or not this person is an adult or a child and the exact nature of your relationship to this person as to what kind and type of consequences are appropriate.

The 'key' is finding a person with the same values, morals and ethics that you have. When you find this type of a person everything else falls into place. I would not tolerate tantrums, yelling, name calling an lying....I don't do it and neither does my husband. So the 'formula' is keeping your eyes open and watch as 'actions speak louder than words'!!

Consequences have to be something that you are comfortable with. If someone lies to you, you need to tell them that they have broken your trust in them and they need to work to regain it back. If someone spends money that you have been saving then I would have separate account that they don't have access to. Tell them that you are starting this account because they didn't follow through with saving on the last one, so now they have no choice, but to not spend it because they don't have access to it.

Personal note: I am the saver in my family too.

I have a feeling there's a really good question buried somewhere in there =)

I do agree specific examples would help, because I don't think there's some mega-rule out there that applies in all cases.

For example, some lies are little white ones and aren't a big deal. Other lies can and do destroy a relationship or marriage, so these are dealbreakers.

each situation is different. For example. my mother had been extremely physically and emotionally abusive to me growing up....When I wanted to marry someone she disapproved of because of religious reasons, she threatened not to come and threw knives at me in the kitchen

( for real)...All throughout the marriage, she undermined the marriage in different ways. She has labled me as incompetent (which I am obviously not) on her will and in a disabled trust. There's so much. including her lying about me often and saying it was OK in an email that my dad threw food at me when I was sitting in a restaurant....this is truthful!!!

Recently,. when I asked her through an email why she had la bled me as incompetent on papers which would be filed in official US government offices

( the trust), she claimed she never did it. I reminded her of two emails she sent to me in which she went into detail about it. Her response was to demand I send her those emails.

The consequences of this boundary of my only emailing her and not being in her presence for the past 4 years was to permanently block her email. This game playing is not worth it. She is a mental case who was never diagnosed who shod all over me throughout my life....but no lnger.

People not keeping their word can be asked about it. IF they get defensive and attack back, the consequences are my cuting off the relationship for good. It tells me they are mental patients who never got diagnosed who want to crap all over me. I DO NOT allow it anymore, by anyone.

IT IS A MATTER OF PERSONAL SANITY>

My family, except one daughter has long been cut out. thankfully.

I am sorry. I cannot tell you b/c I do not know what healthy is. I don't think many do. If the person who lied to you or wronged you loves you then they should feel bad for hurting or letting you down and that should be punishment enough but that is seldom the case.