21 yr. old stepson HELP!!!?

You and your wife must come to an agreement about some expectations and boundaries for her son. He's living off you, sapping your resources and contributing nothing. Now he's straining your relationship. What is either of you benefitting from his presence in the house?

Sit down with your wife and draw up a list of rules and requirements for her son. For example, he has to pay rent in a specific amount by a specific date each month. He must contribute a specific amount to groceries by a specific date each month. Make a list of chores he must tend to. Then clarify the consequences that he will face if he doesn't pay rent, contribute to the food budget or take care of chores. The consequence would probably have to be that he will find another place to live. And his mom is going to have to agree to that.

It's not fair to you to have to support her son, who sounds spoiled and for the most part, worthless. If he's working, then there's no reason he needs to be living off you two. He can abide by your rules or find another place to live for free where nothing is expected of him.

I understand the bond between a parent and child. However, the kindest thing she can do for him at this point is kick him in the seat of his pants. She's enabling him and by doing so, crippling him. He can't possibly become a successful, productive adult at the rate he's going.

Time for a wake up call!

I'd say take your wife to marriage counseling. This boy is too old to be living off you, and your marriage should be coming first and not this little pri@#. Your wife is singlehandedly ruining your marriage by putting you in this position. SHAME ON HER!!

If she was of the same mind as you are, you would both tell him that he has 30 days to vacate. If he's not gone, his clothes should be in garbage bags outside the front door, with the locks changed. No more free ride. No more handouts.

He would end up a better person for it.

Your wife needs help learning to let go. She might think she's being a good mom, but she's failing miserably as a mom... AND a wife.

There is no question about what is what here. You are obviously not important, in this equation, so I would give the ultimatum, "either he goes, or I go. If it's a question of who gets to stay in the house, work it out, and one or the other leave, because obviously the spoiled little child of Mom is not going to leave, and she will just continue to take his abuse, and doesn't care diddly about what you say or think. In comparison, he is her son, and she is like him, in that they are more important in this world, than any outsiders, and you seem to have been dealt the role of the outsider. He's a loser, and she won't accept the responsibility of dealing with it, and she selfishly wants you to go along for the ride, because she doesn't have the balls to deal with the issue or him. He's a spoiled brat, and didn't get there on his own. She has not taken the initiative to control his bad behaviour. has accepted it, and feels that you have to accept it too. You can either accept it, or give an ultimatum. This cannot go on, it needs to be stopped in its tracks right now. Kick him out, pack his things, he is not allowed back to your house with his attitude, or you can choose to go elsewhere, your paycheck following you, wherever you go. Good luck. My heart is with you! Why should we be forced to be unhappy, when we can be happy elsewhere.

There is not much you can do except to give your son advice, if he needs it. Otherwise, it will be seen that his mom is protecting him, and at the age of 21 yrs., that will embarrass him! I'm not sure what he's doing, but much of it can just be ignored, by your son. You can talk to your husband about it too and see what he does, but he may have to witness it, to do much about it. Your son will be confronted with difficult people forever and he needs to learn how to deal with them. THere will always be a bully in the neighborhood, at work, at school, etc. I think they thrive on the attention and when they are ignored, it goes away. Your son knows how to walk away from this guy, to do his school work instead, to do anything but engage in an argument with him. Obviously, this kid has an issue with your marriage to his father.

have you ever seen 20/20 on a sunday night at about 10 pm? they pose some pretty interesting solutions for you there, but I strongly suggest that you watch closely towards the end, and alter the part of the plan that caused it to show up on tv in the 1st place. then you'll be good to go.

Well I was in the same situation with my son and his stepdad(my husband)...A mother can only mother for so long-charge him rent-tell him theres rules and if he can not respect them tell him where the sidewalk ends the road begins!...Then call it a day!...believe me your wife will see the light as i did1...Why let an arrogant kid whom thinks he knows it all leave his tread on your face!...Also why are you working to support a grown child!...Isn't it time he helped you?...My son just turned 18 and is out on his own and doing just fine as the apron strings were cut!...Now he sees that taking the garbage out, going to school,returning by curfew were so easy-as compared to the bachelor scene and nice gourmet ramen noodle meals!...The spendier deoderants,colognes,clothes,toothpastes are now replaced by $1.00 store items!...If my son comes back he will pay rent and help out around her a will be respectful...He will pay rent each week-not monthely too...He will not know it, but I will put the rent money away and he will have it for college!...He will not lay up in my home-buy quads etc...and not pay his own way!...My son is still a junior in highschool too by the way!...What can u do when time is not on your side anymore as he is 18!...Shoe em tough love and give em the option to come back home if all conditions are met!...Maybe tell your wife this has to happen or she can go along with him and support his rudeness herself-thats what i was told...Even though my son was still or still is in highschool-I still supported my husbands decision -as a kid will do what they want untill they see the light...It was'nt fair to put my spouse thru the crap, or to keep supporting an 18 yr. old who could'nt respect us...Under 18 u have to, but heck not in your case.Also tell him to pay back the loans he ran up!...Sorry to sound so harsh, but u have to draw the line somewhere and your spouse should'nt expect u to put up with this behavior!...Best of luck...

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sounds like me to be honest.

heh...with that said. need to kick him (us) out and force him to grow up. kick in the *** and force him to grow up

leaching off of the mother is all he's doing.

though I have to look at his point of view...since I'm in the same situation. I can't really comment on it since my situation is slightly different. could probably talk more about it in a different format.

Time for the young man to move on. Its really tough and probably going to be hard for your wife. But you have to convince her. Thats not an easy thing to do.

Good luck.

Give him an ultimatum. Tell him he has X amount of time to get out and find his own place and if he doesn't do it then that's his choice and he'll be out w/o a home to live in.