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Is my poem okay or not?
I just want to know if this is okay. Be honest, give some tips if it really is crappy. Show me how I can improve. Thanks.
I hear the endless jingles of commercials
and annoying cheesy lines spoken
by even more annoying actors,
with their high-pitched voice,
acting fake and natural at the same time.
I hear useless whines,
murderous guns,
out-of-pitch shouts of stereotype dumb blondes.
If you want to avoid these sounds,
Stay away from your big glass screen
trapping little people inside.
I hear pens scratching,
synchronized groans when told
that test day would be tomorrow.
I hear over-used sarcasm
when dealing with teachers.
I hear stupidly witty remarks
And random sounds that I am so used to,
I could sing along with it.
If you want to avoid these sounds,
stay away from buildings surrounded
with flags and buses.
I hear weird taps,
myself faking Samara sounds.
I hear old closets screaming,
dying from all the piles
of worthless fabric thrown inside.
I hear my stereo thumping,
almost drowning the teens next door
who thinks their cheap home system is cool.
If you want to avoid these sounds,
stay away from my solitude
from civilization.
I hear cash registers go ka-ching,
the employees' suspiciously cheerful
voices when saying, “Thank you.”
I hear couples kissing,
not a care in the world.
For now.
I hear kids winning arcade games,
the strange machines beeping.
Ecstatic moms are proud of their tots
and are shouting, “We won! We won! Go claim the marbles, sweetie.”
If you want to avoid these sounds,
stay away from the largest corporate building there is.
I hear my brain creaking,
very exhausted but still trying to work.
I hear my speech when I daydream
about being a valedictorian.
I hear myself exhale,
relieved to finish this pain.
If you want to avoid these sounds,
stay away from the lonely human
scratching away in her notebook.
6 Answers
- 1 decade agoFavorite Answer
Very interesting. There is defiantly extensive imagery and intense setting description although there is one aspect I don't fully understand- the message. Is it saying that one cannot escape the clamor of life, even within one’s own mind? That what is your escape is just another person’s idea of noise? Regardless, it was very enjoyable to read and very well written though the progression into a central idea could help its message become more apparent.
- 1 decade ago
Your poem is written with a style I haven't seen in quite sometime. You seem to have a style that is free flowing yet constructed. But my question to you is,as with all writing, what exactly is the topic of your poem? is it about the daily on going and nuisances of Hollywood or is it about you and how you observe the on-goings of the world around which you live? I think it's a wonderful poem, however, I would suggest that when you begin to write about something, think of the topic. Other than that I think it was well written. Keep up the good work. I truly enjoyed it. And I'm not being mean I'm just saying that everything ever written in history has a topic. much love -KNIGHT-
- Anonymous4 years ago
hm... i like it. exceedingly the start (first 4 traces). yet, to be trustworthy, i think that the rhyming is compelled in direction of the top. if that's not for a contest, then you definately can leave it, otherwise it is beneficial to repair it, it does not could desire to rhyme, i actually, am extra of a rhythm poet.
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