Why do Adoptees Search?

I'm fine. I have my parents, and I still searched. Why did I search? Not out of anger. I searched out of curiosity. I searched because I had questions that needed answers. I searched because, while I have a loving and supportive family, there are some pretty clear differences between me and my parents, and I wanted to find the source of those differences. I wasn't searching for parents (though I did find a mom, and finding my first mom doesn't mean I love my adoptive mom any less, and she knows that).

What angers me, if anything does, is that people stubbornly refuse to try to understand the complexities of adoption and believe that adoptees who search must be angry, had bad experiences, and not love their adoptive parents. That's a lot of assumptions to place on something they've not been through.

There is a very good review of this area in the article, “Perception of Adoption as Social Stigma: Motivation for Search and Reunion,” by Karen March of Carleton University.

The research literature states adoptees give four typical reasons for reunion: 1) a desire for a more complete genealogy, 2) curiosity about events leading to conception, birth, and relinquishment, 3) a desire to pass on information to children, and 4) a need for a detailed biological background (including medical information).

Nevertheless, the article points out that these reasons appear to be only superficial. All of this information could be communicated by a third-party, yet every adoptee interviewed also expressed a need to actually meet their mother.

Starting from this point, March’s article attempts to validate Goffman’s theory of social stigma (doing an excellent job in my opinion). The theory has three steps: 1) adoptees perceive the absence of biological ties as distinguishing their family from others, 2) this understanding is strengthened by experiences where non-adoptees imply adoptive ties are weaker than blood ties; this engenders in the adoptee a sense of social exclusion from the community, and 3) adoptees deal with this alienation by searching for a blood tie that reinforces their membership in the community.

It is important to note, that this theory suggests adoptive homes can be fine and wonderful places, yet some adoptees will still search because of their perception and experiences with social stigma.

-Tobit

I am not an adoptee, but I can give my opinion as I ahve known many of them. I would think it would be because they feel like something is missing, or they want closure. It must be hard knowing that part of you is out there and you dont know them and have never met them. It must leave an awful emptiness that could only be filled by one's bioparents. Some may want answers, some may just want to know their heritage or medical history, some may be searching for siblings, while others may be content just knowing their APs. I am sure every case is different, and everyone feels different. I know that my own father has had nothing to do with me since I was 5, and that pain has controlled my life at times. I dont know what he is like, but I have always felt that part of me is missing. I have always longed for him to be my father, and until about 3 years ago, I usually would call him and try to "make" him be my dad, even though he never took me up on the offer.

I would be hard to "know who you are" when the people that made you have never been in your life. My people's identites are based on their heritage and if you dont know your heritage it would be hard to have your own identity. I wish that adoptee's didnt go through so much pain, and it is unfortunate that people even have to go through that. I dont think adoptees are angry at all, but simply people that have been hurt emotionally, some since birth, and their feelings are justified. Many are affected their whole lives and are NEVER able to get over the pain, which I can understand totally.

Even if the adoption IS successful, a child may want to search on medical grounds, but also out of curiosity ...ie do I look like my parents?

My natural born child over the years have often looked at various relatives and commented about..who they have got their features from..ie son has similar eyes to myself, daughter has her dad's nose...etc. This is natural. An adopted child, has just 'popped' into existence and cannot do this. It is one of the basics of feeling you belong and feeling part of ones ancestors.

How many people enjoy doing their family history/genealogy ...I do. The person you quoted, seems to think, an adopted person, should pretend the adopted ancestors were the adoptees. I'm doing both sets of parents family history.

The person you are quoting, seems to be assuming all adoptee's are babies when adopted...I was 6 years of age, old enough to remember my birth mother, to remember her skipping with me across a field..singing 'twinkle twinkle little star'. Why wouldn't I want to find, what I'd lost.

It's as if some people think, we adoptee's should be so bloody thankful for being adopted, we should wipe out OUR pasts, our heritage.

How many people would like to be told they HAVE to wipe out their heritage and be THANKFUL to do so.

Some peoples attitudes suck big time! They are the losers, for lacking empathy and labeling adoptee's angry.

It is that sort of attitude that does piss off some adoptee's.

Oh my goodness! I have a lot of reasons, besides the fact that I have ALWAYS felt compelled to search! This has no bearings on my a-parens b/c they are SOOOOO wonderful! Couldn't have been blessed with better! I wanted to know my med. history, who I looked like/ where my looks came from, who gave me this hair that some days I feel like it's a curse, who am I shaped up like???? Why am I the way I am today? I know some has to do with my a-fam but where did the rest come from???!!!!! Curiostity just got the best of me. I got tired of wondering if I was related to the lady I passed by in isle 4 at Walmart or the person I zoomed by on the highway. I was one that just had that gut feeling that I just had to know WHERE DID I COME FROM?! Those are SOME of my reasons.

And by the way, I am equally shocked about the attitude and comments that were stated. They ought to be ashamed of themselves! Some people just don't get it. Let us all pray for them :-)

I can only speak for myself. The curiosity drove me crazy all my life. Why did they give me away? Who do I look like? Did they ever think about me? Does cancer or heart disease run in the family? Have I ever unknowingly dated or did I marry a close relative?

Even as a child, I wanted to search. And I was deeply offended when I was not taken seriously and simply told I couldn't. It was impossible. The records are sealed. I didn't have the vocabulary to express it as a child, but I definitely felt the sting of discrimination even then. How can MY history be stolen from me and held hostage by Vital Records?

I have great aparents. I have lived a charmed life. My adad was THE person in my life who has come the closest to offering me completely unconditional love...my adoption was just not an issue for him. And my aparents' attitude most certainly affected my attitude. I am so OK with my adoption. Yes, it is part of who I am, but so is growing up in certain places or attending certain schools or having certain friends. It is just part of who I am...for good or bad.

I did not search for my bparents because I was angry. I wasn't looking for anything NEW...I was searching for something that predates my adoption. The blood relations that I searched for ALWAYS existed. We just didn't know each other before I searched. After searching, I discovered that I knew so many things about my bfamily...quirky things that simply defy explanation. I had no idea that I knew these things...and it was only by searching and finding out the truth that this was revealed to me. Was it telepathy? genetic memory? I don't know, and I am at a loss to explain it. So, I definitely believe that a connection exists between adoptees and their lost relations.

My bfamily overwhelmingly claims that being found has been wonderful and healing for so many of them. My bparents told everyone that I had died at birth as a cover story for giving me away. Therefore, many family members have mourned for me for decades. Learning that I am alive and well has been a joy and a delight for many.

I am not adopted but i think it is quite normal to look. Everyone wants to know about their history medical and otherwise. My family is not good historians or storytellers and that drives me crazy i have been trying to do a family tree. I don't know why it is important but it is to me. Adoptee have that with the adoptive family hopefully but not the biological peice of their info which is important.

The problem (in my opinion) comes in when adoptee look trying to find a new family rather than for just info. I know it happens everyday but they also get rejected everyday. I think first parents need to be ready to be found if they aren't looking. Answer question be avaible for history if they don't want a realtionship.

I'm not an adoptee, but in my efforts to understand my two adopted children, I have compared their need to search to how I would feel if I suddenly awoke one morning in a strange town, and had no memories of who I was or where I came from. Even if the townspeople were extremely loving and welcoming to me; even if a terrific family took me in and treated me just like one of their own, I would still be DRIVEN to find out who I was and where I came from. It would not be a reflection on the good people who loved me and cared for me in the present. It would just simply be about finding the missing parts of my life. It's as simple as that. Anyone who will allow themselves to truly put it in that light, would surely understand the need for adoptees to search.

Last night on Criminal Minds, a serial killer awoke from a 4-year coma, with no memories of the horrible things he had done. He went to trial, and the prosecutor asked the judge to order a test to be done which would show whether or not he truly had amnesia. He knew what everyone was accusing him of, and in spite of the consequences he would face if the memories came back, he asked the judge to PLEASE order the test. That reminded me a lot of how adoptees must feel. Whatever was in their past, good or bad, they just need to know.

I dont think that means that the adoptee is unhappy. I think it means that they just want to know where they came from, What do the rest of my family look like, or maybe, to find why they were put up for adoption?

Maybe even to get medical history.

I know I would go looking.

I think they search because they are looking for a part of themselves.

Like it or not adoptees are biologically connected to their original family and have every right to know about their heritage and history.

Adoptive parents can instill their values and beliefs in their children, but they can never give them their complete biological history.

I have kept as much information for my son re: his original mother. I have a copy of his original birth certificate, I have death notices for his original grandparents that list all of his aunts & uncles on his mother's side of the family. I am trying to collect as much information as I can to make his search one day easier.