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Does this sound good or tacky? ((free-verse/abstract poem))?
I lay next to him in the noisy silence of the morning
My head rests on his strong shoulder
I wonder if he can feel the weight, the heaviness of my thoughts
They cloud reason, cover solution
I don't know what I'm doing
I don't ask
Learn from these things, you always hear
Learn from what?
A bird sings a lonely song
and then he flies away
I wish I could fly away, too
I would fly to outer space and spend the night on Pluto
Farthest away I can think of
Pretending I need no one, I turn my head from his face
I roll over and face the big window
He rolls over, asks what's wrong
What's wrong is you don't care, you know and don't care
I want to scream
I say "nothing"
He rolls back over
I'm alone, daydreaming of Pluto and getting nowhere fast
Where do I go from here?
Days eat days, over and over, the same thing
I lost control
When did I lose control?
When he let me walk away?
I left my heart that night. It was busted up anyways
Did you bring it back this time?
I'm afraid it's left in the past
And
it can be so tricky, getting it back from that place.
Maybe I'll just leave it there.
*sorry it's so long :] that's not even all of it :]
Thank you!
3 Answers
- cindy-lu-whoLv 41 decade agoFavorite Answer
modifications
1) busted up...change to...broken? cliche but actually sounds good here. anyway look for a more genteel expression
2) i dont know about outer space and pluto...its a little startrek. i know what ure trying but u have to be more glamorous and 7th heaven. try and think about what u MEAN by pluto . a dark..cold...but peaceful solitary place?
3) the bird is a little random..? did u see the bird as u lay there? make this more obvious.
4)his strong shoulder symbolizes rest for you and an ease of ur burdens? obviously not. if it is only physically strong make this obvious. explain what u mean with ur words.
good effort!
- 1 decade ago
You start out great...the middle begins to lose the strength. Your ideas are great, just do a little rearranging and I think it will be great.
Love your usage of Pluto...beautiful...I loved the line " I left my hear that night. It was busted up anyways" gorgeous usage of pain yet a unique strength or even pain tolerance.
awkward line "i don't know what i'm doing, I don't ask...learn from what?...a bird sings a lonely song' as I said strong ideas, but a little scrambled.
Try putting, 'I don't ask, I don't know what I'm doing' instead
add more to the question...'learn from what?' the question seems to simplistic in comparison to the intro you made of your reason being clouded, say something like, 'but what is it that I must learn from'...
and add in a line or lines that blend in the two lines, 'learn from what, a bird sings a lonely song.' It seems like two poems were put together, so make it flow and/or add a separate stanza.
consider removing the 'too' it makes the reader stop and lose the ideas.
also consider rewording the line 'what's wrong is you don't care, you know and don't care' strong idea, needs stronger words.
Just edit, repost and I think you'll be pleased with your final product. You're a great writer. Hope I helped.
Source(s): http://www.myspace.com/intrinsicexpression - Anonymous1 decade ago
AMAZING!! Don't change a thing! But the daydreaming about pluto thing is really random...
Answer mine? http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=200806...
