The hook...?

wow. this paragraph def drew me in. i want to read more! .

"well worn path to the ancient wreck of a building"

nice use of lanuage.

As my author wife would say - too much information in a single paragraph! What you want is to build the mystery.

Example: Chapter One - The Beginning.

I guess if someone was filmng my life the action started at 8:13 a.m. on April 23rd 2008. That's if you think I'm the hero in this story. I thought I was an ordinary teenager - dragging myself to work that day but I was wrong! I should have noticed that one thing that made this morning different from all the mornings that came before. But I didn't. This is what happened as a result.

Not really. Tons of novels have had hooks like that where the teenager says he or she used to be ordinary. It's too predictable because we know that something out of the ordinary is going to happen. And, anyway, it's common sense. It's annoying with books where the teenagers says that his or her life used to be normal and then blah, blah, blah happened. No duh! We know the characters in the books we're reading about aren't normal--especially if it's YA.

You overuse adjectives. Don't do that. Give the reader some time to breathe and imagine for him/herself. Do you know what I think would make a fabulous hook? Get rid of everything except this sentence:

Each day, I longed for the elegant hands of the Victorian clock to strike four, so that I could drag my aching feet back down Mysc Avenue, back to that lonely, cold place I called home.

That would be fabulous because it would make me wonder why the character feels this way. It would make me read more. It would force me to read more. I think this would be a fabulous hook for your story. With that one sentence alone, I am immediately attracted to what the plot of your story is, your characters, and everything else you have to offer.

I wouldn't say it's a hook because it just tells about her life. It doesn't really show what the book will be about. It is very good writing however and I think you will be able to hook us all with in the next few paragraphs. It sounds like a good story so far. ;)

WAY to many adjectives and over the top descriptions. It didn't draw me at all, and I am 16 so I am very close to the target audience. It seemed a little to cliche to me. Sorry. Try again.