Four year old controlling my life?

Ewww. Not fun. You're right though, a total crack down now will save you years of being controlled. I've found that the absolutely best weapon is patience (order a VERY LARGE dose.) When you're ready to go for it sit her down and explain to her that you love her to much to let her contiue behaving the way that she has been. Tell her that it is time to be a big girl a.k.a. responsible for her own actions. From then on out- no matter what happens- portray nothing but calmness and order. Just as with adults- every action has a consequence. To lazy to thaw the chicken for dinner? You don't get chicken for dinner. Kid version example: "I want the crust cut off!" (insert holding breath until you cut the crust off her grilled cheese.) Very calmly- the first time- walk over, say "ok, you don't have to eat it", and dump her food in the garbage then sit back down in your chair and proceed to finish your lunch while she sits there flabbergasted. She's the big girl she gets the choice with no questions asked: eat what you're served or don't, simple as that. She is a part of the family and everyone has their place. If she doesn't want to clean her room (her expected role in the family) she can't take part of other family doings (playing Candyland, eating luch outside at the picnic table, watching a movie) Don't raise your voice just calmly explain when things are affected by her actions.

Temper tantrums (sure to follow those examples) are equally simple. With my son- as soon as he could crawl- he understood if he needed to cry it was to be done in his room. If he tried to leave we would gently pick him up and put him back down in his room and tell him that he had to cry in his room. If he got excessively loud we would pop our heads in and tell him, "Sorry, we can hear you out here and we're trying to (eat dinner, watch TV or whatever) so I'm gonna close the door until you're all done crying." It was never done in a negative way and it was always clear that he was welcome to take as long as he wanted as long as he didn't come out until he was done. He's 3 1/2 now and he's only had maybe 2 real temper tantrums ever. A tantrum's only power is the audience. Once you take that away they're useless. She's a big girl and she has a right to get out the frustration by the only way she knows how and you have the right to live in a house without listening to screaming. You might have to lock her in if she insists on storming out into the center of attention but believe me it's a lot more humane (and easier) than trying to swat her or hold her down. Just keep an ear open.

There are three set-in-stone rules to this method:

1. Don't react. Don't give in to the tantrum and get angry. Even if you (and three neighbors) can still hear her screaming with the door closed don't let on that you can hear.

2. Do it EVERY time. Once or twice won't cut it. Only when you can't handle it because you're trying to make dinner won't cut it. Only when you think it's over something ridiculous won't cut it. As long as she knows that sometimes she gets a reaction out of mom (even if it's just running embarrisingly out of the store) she'll keep it up.

3. Let her know you love her. At the end of a rough day go in to her and sit on her bed and give her a hug. Tell her that you can tell she's upset and that you want her to be happy. Ask her if there is anything you can do to help. Just wait until the tantrum is over. It will let her know that you support her ability to calm herself down on her own. Plus, we all know that tantrums get under your skin but in the end we just love them so much and want nothing more than for them to be happy in life.

It will be hard for a long time and I understand that she will probably rarely be able to leave her room for a few weeks. It will break you're heart to take away outings and things you know you're beautiful good girl would enjoy. She may not be able to leave the house for a long time but don't be tempted to give in at the slightest hint of learning. ("Well ok, I know I said two bites but one is good enough") But it will be way better in the long run. She can handle it and so can you. She will cry real tears instead of 'just want to get my way' tears and you will too. Just make sure they're in your bedroom away from her. Show her you're a supportive loving parent who knows the rules of society and that you respect her and have faith that she can be responsible on a four year old level.

Good Luck. I'll pray for you and give her an extra big hug for me. It's time to be a responsible member of the family.

One tames an animal, your daughter is not an animal and her behavior is not her fault so stop blaming her. She is only behaving in the manner you have taught her to behave. The only things you can do now is set rules and boundaries and start ignoring her tantrums. Don't take her into public places if she can not behave appropriately. Hire a sitter and explain to her that until she can behave like a "lady" she can't go with you. If you have allowed your other children to get away with what this child has gotten away with then yes, they will behave just as she does. You say you know her behavior is your fault and yet you blame her for her behavior. That is totally inconsistent at best. You need one set of rules for ALL of your children, they need guidelines and supervision. Don't give in to the tantrums, but don't battle them either. When the tantrums start walk away. Give praise for positive behavior. Dole out privileges such as television, video games and computer time only when they have earned that time with good behavior. Oh and don't expect changes to be overnight, Mariella isn't going to be happy with being disciplined at all. That is to be expected, you have allowed her to get away with her behavior for a long time, it's going to take a long time to change it...but again she is not an animal, she doesn't need taming, and she doesn't deserve to be blamed for what you created.

I second everything J'adore Paris posted and add to that, do NOT let her see that she is "getting your goat". No matter what she pulls, maintain a calm, disinterested manner and expression. If you show her that her actions are upsetting you, like you start yelling or getting red in the face, she will know she's "got you". Just give her a blank stare, or develop a "look" for these times, and very calmly say, "Well, that's not the way to get what you want"! Ignore what you can -- the less reaction her bad behavior gets, the less "rewarding" the bad behavior will be to her. Often praise her good behavior (don't call her a good or bad girl, but do tell her "That was so nice of you to share your cookie with your friend"). You admit yourself in your post that everything has gone her way the last four years (so her current behavior is not her fault, you know -- she is confused as to why suddenly things won't go her way anymore, and you've decided they can't go her way all the time anymore because you are tired of it.). Well, you can't expect her whole perception of the world and how it works to change overnight. Make the changes slowly. Choose one behavior you wish to correct. Work on that one until it is corrected. Use age-appropriate discipline (time outs, remove a toy, withhold a favorite snack food but don't let her go hungry, for example instead of being allowed her favorite ice cream for dessert offer her a banana). Give her alternative acceptable words when she swears (drat, etc.). When she misbehaves in a store (hiding under racks, running off), immediately take her home and go to the store without her for a few trips after that (leave her home with someone else watching her) and tell her it's too bad she can't come anymore until she can act properly (and explain what you expect for proper actions: walk with Mommy, don't run away, don't hide, stay with Mom, don't touch things in the store, etc). Then give her another chance. Calmly tell her on the way to the store what it is you will buy. Explain that she can't ask for anything else when you're in the store. You will just buy these things you discuss on the way to the store. Then stick to it.

Well first of all a 4 year old is not a toddler, but rather a Preschooler that will soon be going off to school. I guarantee it will be a rude awakening when she gets to school. You will be forced into doing something. They will put a label on your Daughter forcing her into Special Ed classes so I suggest yes now is the time to get this under control.

First of all you have let her get away with this for over 4 years so it is gonna take some time and a lot of effort on both sides with your husband included. You two need to be on the same page as for discipline. One can't give in while the other is more strict.

No means no. If she chooses to throw a fit at home just walk away from it. I wouldn't care if she passes out or what. Let her know very firmly that, "This doesn't work for me."

If you are out pick her up if you have to kicking and screaming and leave the store. Let her know before you leave to go anywhere what is the acceptable behavior. Reward her with praise for good behavior instead of toys-etc.

You can do an earning chart for good behavior and she can start earning her own money for things she wants. This works well with our Daughter. These have to be things she does on her own without having to get on to her to do it.

Having her help with simple chores around the house.

The swearing would have to stop. I am afraid I will get reemed for this, but heh it works. Bite the soap. I had to do it. My sister in law did hot sauce on the tongue and of course the younger one it didn't work- he just became immune to it and now as an older child loves hot stuff, but the older one it worked like a charm after one time.

You have to have patience and stay calm. Let her know that she isn't going to get her way and that it is no longer working.

This behavior will take twice as long to break as it did to learn.

I suggest doing it now though while she is still little because once they reach a certain age it is almost impossible to get rid of the bad habits.

She is not too young to sit down and tell her that it was your mistake for letting her get away with this stuff, but this is now how it is going to be. Stay firm, but gentle.

Take the time to cuddle and love. Take her in the other room when you see a fit coming on and cuddle and love her and gently explain to her to use her words and let you know her feelings. She is not too young to start explaining her feelings to you.

You can have a certain spot in the house that she can use for her "throwing a fit" space. Someplace that is safe- soft and she can punch and kick as much as she would like.

I have had to send my Daughter to her room to think about things. She calmed down pretty quick when no one was around to pay atttention to her whether be negative or positive.

I wish you the best. Don't beat yourself up about it. It is just good that you realized that there needs to be changes. Now is the time for you and your husband to come together and put together a game plan that will work with your Daughter. Expects set backs and also leaps and gains as time goes on.

Going to school too will force her into sharing, not getting her way, and listening.

number 1- show her who wears the pants in the family and who is the boss

number 2-when you are out in public hold her hand and make sure she is in sight at all times

number 3-DISIPLINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! take things away if she acts a certain way and tell her the only way she will get it back is if she does what you or your husband say

number 4-tell her she has to do what mommy and daddy says if she does not she will get in trouble and again disipline

number 5-if she tries to hold her breath leave the room, she will start breathing once you leave bc then she doesnt have to prove anything to anyone

number 6-when she acts that way, tell her to end the conversation right now bc you gave her the answer and if she doesnt listen tell her to go to her room and go to sleep

number 7-when she whims make pretend you do not hear her and just keep doing what your doing

i hope i helped, good luck!

and let us know if anything works!

Sounds to me like your daughter needs therapy. And you and your husband should get it for her as soon as possible. If not when she goes to Kindergarten you are going to receive many calls at work regarding your daughter, and the school will give her counseling. So it is best to start doing it now. It is going to be very difficult for you to break this behavior because you have allowed it for so long, and now you are tired of her behavior and want something done about it. Discipline won't mean anything to her because she knows that you won't follow through with anything. You cannot tame your preschooler, she is not a toddler. You all need professional help. Discipline and punishment to her and for her is a joke. You won't be able to outlast her. SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP. You are not trained our qualified to deal with her, so seek out someone who is. I teach preschool, and I have a student just like your daughter, we had to expel her from the daycare. She can return when the administration sees proof that she is getting counseling. Sorry, but you have to discipline, and you waited to late

There must have been something that occurred recently that has caused this kind of behavioral change. You need to giving her a lot of attention. Give her arts & crafts to be able to express whatever is bothering her. Play-dough is great for this kind of stuff. She's seeking out your attention, and at her age it really doesn't matter if it's positive or negative. Good Luck

Call Supernanny, or at least start watching the show. There are kids like her on almost every week. No matter how you look at it, what she obviously needs is disipline, and it's going to be hard to give it to her, and at first she might be worse than she is now, but you have to start sometime, or you'll be ruled forever. Right now she is in control, and she sure seems to know that. Turn that around and you might actually see your sweet little girl more often. The best of luck to you.

Good God, this is pathetic.

Discipline. Get a couple of books and apply what you learn.