Yahoo Answers is shutting down on May 4th, 2021 (Eastern Time) and beginning April 20th, 2021 (Eastern Time) the Yahoo Answers website will be in read-only mode. There will be no changes to other Yahoo properties or services, or your Yahoo account. You can find more information about the Yahoo Answers shutdown and how to download your data on this help page.

Please read: Would you wanna continue reading on if this were a book...??? This is unedited too?

It was Friday night and Jaya and her homeboy Silk were going to hit up Candies. Candies was a local strip joint that doubled as a club in their town. It would be 19-year-old Jaya’s first time ever going to a strip club. Jaya knew that if she was going to be in a club of mostly half-naked women, she would really have to be on point. So she put on her favorite dark skinny jeans, the ones that made her butt look nice and plump like an apple. They also benefitted her by showing the big butterfly she had recently gotten tattooed on her lower back. Then she looked in her closet for a cute top exclaiming, “Damn! I knew I shoulda went to the mall and got me a fit! Can’t walk in there half-steppin!” Then she remembered the top she had bought a week earlier. It was purple and gold, and cut so she could show off her dangling butterfly navel ring. She put it on and looked her outfit over in the mirror stating her approval by saying, “Get ‘em! Get ‘em!”

At that moment her cell phone rung. The phone read Silk. She answered, “Hello?” A low tenor replied, “I’m outside. Hope you got on something sexy!”

“Now you of all people know I keep it sexy.” She laughed a little too hard. She then strapped on her gold stiletto pumps, grabbed her gold clutch and walked out of her room.

Her mother and lil brother, B.J were in the living room watching something on TV. She walked over to her little brother asking, “Can I get your house key?” Since she had just recently moved back into her grandmother’s house she still hadn’t had a key made. In the back of her mind, she didn’t have any intentions of getting one made either because she didn’t plan to be living there long. B.J came back with the key and handed it to her. She then walked into her grandmother’s room and wished her goodnight saying, “See ya in the morning grama, I’m goin out”. Even though her grandmother was ill she always had something to say that would put a smile on your face. Big Lady, as her family called her, exclaimed, “aawwww hooochiie cooochiiie”. Big Lady would always state this remark if you were wearing something very revealing or tight. Jaya smiled it off because she knew her grandmothers thoughts. Jaya made her way out the front door and sashayed up to Silk’s silver Dodge Intrepid.

As soon as Jaya opened the door, Silk expressed his approval, “Wooeeeyyy! I’ma have to fight to keep them ****** off you tonight!” Jaya responded, “What-eva!”

They both laughed as Silk backed out of her driveway. Jaya then got serious and asked, “Do I look okay?” She knew she liked her ensemble but needed the approval of a male, like she did most her young life. Silk then looked her over and said, “You know you sexy. Don’t take this the wrong way but you fine enough to work in the club we about to go in”. Jaya just blushed, but somewhere in her insecure mind she wanted to believe it was true.

When Jaya and Silk pulled up to Candies the line was out the door. She immediately became self-conscious. Jaya had come a long way since her childhood days of low self-esteem and various insecurities but still her mind always found a way to detract from her true beauty.

They got out the car and walked up to end of the line. Though the line was long security had the line moving fast. When they got to the entrance, Silk paid for Jaya and himself.

Walking into the club Jaya was taken aback. At first glance in the strip club she saw a light-skinned chick with Indian long black hair, standing 5’4 in some stiletto heels. She was donned in a black criss-cross top that barely had enough fabric to cover her size D cup rack. Leaving little to the imagination she had on a pair of T-backs that her big rump-shaker seemed to swallow. The club goers knew her as Stallion . She lived up to her name too. She was swaying in tune to the slow rhythmic beat of T-Pain’s “Can’t Believe It”. She had the anxious young dude in front of her in awe. He sat flashing a big stack of 20s while licking his lips staring hard at her as she teased him by playing with….

7 Answers

Relevance
  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    First of all you're presenting this genre of work to the wrong forum of people. They read what they know.

    I don't particularly choose urban fiction but I do read what my daughter brings home. Some of it is very 'adult' for a fifteen year old but then again at fifteen I was heavily into Jackie Collins. We also don't live in 'da hood' so I know she is limited in some ways and that these books give her a glimpse into what other people of color lives are like. The choices they make, the options they have etc. I've grown to appreciate not only the writing style but the authors who bring there life experiences to light. Sometimes I feel as though the people who have made the other comments live a sheltered life and choose to believe that the news and rap music are the only places where they can see 'black' people. They don't choose to read the writing because they've never lived the experiences and therefore have no desire to hear it.

    I've never lived it either (in a real life for death type of way) but I see your character. I see Jaya doing the getting hoochified. I remember at that age wanting to squeeze into tight jeans a baby tee's and go out to get the attention of grown men even if I didn't know what to do with it. I wanted to be in those places where all the action was going to be. I remember standing on those long lines, not sure if my outfit was good enough to get all of my crew in. I'd be freezing my *** off in practically nothing just so they could see my body.

    I am interest enough to continue reading, I want to know 'how Stallion got her name' stallions gallop not sway. Why is Jaya at a strip club? How old is Silk and why hasn't he made a physical move on her? Why isn't her grandmother more concerned about her going out that way? Does her insecurites come from the lack of attention shown by her family? Does Jaya have education going for her? Are they living in the hood or somewhere on the fringes? You mention her mother sitting there with her little brother how come she doesn't comment? Does Jaya want to be at the club or was she 'expected to go'? Is she lesbian or just curious or what?

    Despite what the other comments say, I would read off if for no other reason than because you have given and interesting start to several questions that now I want answered. An opening that has enough answers and questions is ideal in keeping the flow moving. Next you should begin answering the questions asked about Jaya and perhaps pepper it with some serious hood action.

    And remember if you want constructive critiques find a forum more geared toward your style of writing.

    J...

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I wouldn't, but if I was a teenage girl then maybe. What would have kept me reading is if rather than a a stack of 20's came out, he pulled out a knife. Editors can sometimes helps with where plot is going and with words such as gotten and rung. Good luck

  • 1 decade ago

    No bite. start with an eye-grabbing line. For instance: "How would a 19-year-old girl react to a first time visit to a strip joint?"

  • 1 decade ago

    No, it really doesn't seem to be going anywhere. It's not yet interesting enough to keep me reading to find out what happens next..sorry.

  • How do you think about the answers? You can sign in to vote the answer.
  • Mini C
    Lv 4
    1 decade ago

    Depends on where it's going... it's a bit ghetto though lol!

  • Mutly
    Lv 5
    1 decade ago

    Not really, didn't even keep my attention through the first paragraph.

  • 1 decade ago

    To be truthful i wouldn't

Still have questions? Get your answers by asking now.