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Your thoughts on what I have written?
Lysha poked the sizzling bacon with a fork and glanced at Miku. Any other person would have thought him to be looking at her eyes but she knew him better than that.
She sighed. "You're thirsty, aren't you?"
He gave a slight nod, looking at the kitchen floor now.
Lysha took the bacon off of the stove and walked over to him. She flipped her long blonde hair over one shoulder and held it with her hand.
"Lysha, I can't!" Miku protested. "I've taken too much from you as it is!"
"Just don't use venom and I'll be fine," she replied, leaning closer to his mouth.
Miku hesitated for a minute before his thirst took over. He pressed his lips to her bare neck, feeling the blood pulsing through her veins. Ever so slightly his lips parted, revealing razor sharp fangs. Miku's hand slid up to hold her shoulders down.
"Don't forget to stop me," he instructed.
Lysha gasped lightly as she felt his fangs puncture her skin. No matter how many times he did this, it would always take her by surprize.
Her breathing remained normal for a few moments then began to quicken. Soon her head was spinning, making everything out of focus.
"Miku, enough," she told him. She waited for his hands to release her. Now Lysha wasn't feeling well. "Miku, stop! You're hurting me!" she screamed. Miku's hands were suddenly off of her and his head was up.
Lysha stood and swayed. She could do nothing as she felt her body and eyelips drift towards the floor.
"Lysha, NO!" Miku shouted. He was on the ground, holding her unconsious body in his arms. "I should have never bit you!"
Additional Details
~^_^~
So I decided that a vampire love story was a little out of the question (Okay, WAY out of the question) unless I found a way to add new insight to my vampire world.
If it incorperates anything from anyone (i worked hard to be sure it didn't) , it would be the anime, Vampire Knight.
If it sounds anything like Twilight, please let me know how. I will try and take that out of the story.
Please do not say it sounds like Twilight just because it has a vampire in it. I can name tons of books with vampires in them, although I haven't read them.
This is about a fifth of the first chapter(if it can be a chapter in the end) so I'll post more when I get more written.
Will post on writerscafe.org
My wc name: Makkenji or Jordyn A. Ruhter
9 Answers
- 1 decade agoFavorite Answer
Not bad, but you are relying heavily on dialogue. Try to be more descriptive about exactly what Lysha is feeling while in the moment. Also try to describe what Miku is feeling while taking the blood into himself. Does it make him euphoric? Does he feel less human than he already does when taking the blood? Does he feel love for her as he takes the blood? What is going on in his mind?
Also try to make some of your sentences a bit longer, perhaps by combing them. For example: "Miku, enough." she told him, waiting for his hands to release her.
You dont have to use the he said. she said. every time, including it with a feeling or action is often more engaging to the reader. Also: 'Ever so slightly his lips parted, revealing razor sharp fangs, his hands sliding up to hold her shoulders down.' is a good example of this.
Also when Lysha passed out it would have been nice to know more of what Miku was thinking. including something that tells more of what he is thinking and/or feeling. ' he fell to the ground with her, holding her in his arms, protecting her from further harm. His mind was feverish, racing to grasp the situation even as the blood coursed through him, making it difficult to focus. "I should never have bitten you!" he exclaimed, cursing his own carelessness.' is an example. We now see what it is that is happening with him, how he feels and what his thought process is.
Of course it also depends a lot on how YOU write. If you want a good example of a humanized vampire look at Anne Rice's vampire chronicles. It can help you to understand what makes a monster lovable and believable as a person as opposed to just a monster.
- 5 years ago
My thought is this: In this world, everyone has a story to tell. To whom they tell it to is yet another story. It's not only about the story, but also the author itself. There are some stories that only family members, or those close to the writer, will understand. Kinda like the "inside joke". Yet, there are other stories that all people can get and yet understand. The latter is the hardest to cultivate. Families are much more forgiving than those that don't know the writer from Adam. I have yet to meet a composer, be it musical, or writing that will write for a family member unless it's a special event. Let's skip this part - let's talk about those who are on the "outside". Most writers have a need to express themselves via the media they choose. Music, writing, theatre? It doesn't matter. An artist needs an audience to evaluate his/her work for some form of validation. They also have a sadistic desire to open themselves to criticism to those who could care less about their expression over a bowel movement. Yet the hope of a positive criticism will outweigh any bad crits they may ever get. . . Creativity's' results are like a drug - once it's tasted - it can't be forgotten
- 1 decade ago
Wow. That's all I can say. I have an infatuatuion with vampires, though, so maybe I'm biased? This sounds a bit like The Silver Kiss, but I've never read it, just the excerpt from Blod and Chocolate. But it was good!
Could you read mine?
- Anonymous1 decade ago
I like it and definitely would want to read more.
I have the same problem with my stories. When I was reading Twilight I got two separate ideas for vampire stories and now I find myself constantly worrying that they sound like twilight and I don't want them too.
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- GuitarpickerLv 71 decade ago
It's a good start in the genre that you prefer. Many writers, including myself, do not care for the vampire genre.
Otherwise, watch your spelling and never use "off of" in anything. It is always "off something or other, never "off of."
Source(s): Writer among other things - 1 decade ago
I think it's a little....choppy and that there's too much dialogue. HOWEVER, it's pretty good. I agree - I write vampire stories, but it's like..."DO NOT COMPARE IT TO TWILIGHT OR I'll EAT YOU."
- 1 decade ago
Wow! That's really interesting! It kept me wanting to read on about it! I say you write more! :) That sounds really cool: horrific, but lovely!
Source(s): Knowledge - Anonymous1 decade ago
Oh I love it! I def want to read more. U should post it on fanfiction.net. If you do tell me! malibuXO92@aim.com