question for adoptees and N moms , A parents welcome too?

I think what you need to do is build communication with him. If you do, then you will get the answers to a lot of your questions.

Could the separation have affected him? Definitely yes, it could have. Does it affect all adoptees? No, i don't think so as we should never generalize.

I'd also like to recommend you get the book "The Primal Wound" by Nancy Verrier and "Adoption Healing" by Joe Soll (volume 1 which was written for adoptees). Especially "Primal Wound" goes into great depth about why some adoptees have problems bonding (and trusting people). Feelings of rejection, anger, and "not being good enough" are common as well.

Phonecalls and emails may not be his chosen way of communicating. Maybe use the phone to arrange times to get together in-person for visits. It is only f2f that you can really talk properly about all this stuff and get to know one another.

I saw your question about adoptive parents and reunions. I'd like to suggest you keep an open mind about what reunion could bring. If he has never "bonded" with his adoptive parents, this could be a reflection of what many adoptees feel: they "attached" out of necessity, but never bonded with the people who raised them. You and he might both find that this is because his bond is with you and always has been. Welcome him back as being a full family member and see where it goes. He may "test" you at times, or "reject" you, but over the long term this may be what he wants: a mom and a family.

p.s. Jenny, do you belong to a support group for natural parents? (i mean one that is not "triad" having adoptive parents also -- these have a different focus). If not, PM me and I can help you find one in your area, or a group of nmoms who have a phone support service.

This sounds like me...exactly. I find it very very very uncomfortable ringing my natural family. Extremely is a light word lol For some reason it seems way to informal and casual and it intimidates me. Once my aparents made me ring my birth grandad and I was shaking I was so scared. I am not sure why it is, whether its being afraid of being rejected or perhaps the fact that ringing someone that important is difficult in such a casual or inpersonal way. It doesnt mean I dont want to talk to them or meet them at all. It has improved but I don't ring them that often, I usually write letters instead.

I have problems bonding with people and I used to (not so much now as I met a few of my natural family but still a little bit) feel very lonely and isolated. I find it very hard to trust people as I was not only adopted once, but abused in my new adoptive home, then fostered then adopted again so I was taken from home to home, and even though I was a baby it really effected my reactions to rejection now. I still tend to think everyone just lets you down in the end so why bother. But those thoughts aren't useful so I try to brush them off as much as I can and appreciate the people I know even if they are only around for a short while.

Please if he wants to contact you don't give up, ring him or ring his adoptive-parents and get them to arrange something He could also write a letter as this is more formal and personal. As he gets to know you he will probably feel a bit more comfortable with it.

I think that, yes, his adoption could have a lot to do with his inability to bond. That being said, if it were me, I would take all the lead in the situation, being his mom and all, and work toward the relationship unless or until he told me not too. I would be the one calling and inviting him over, whether he answered or says no. My son has an attachment disorder, and this is pretty much what we have to do with him on a daily basis (he is five). We need to initiate the conversations, the hugs, the attachment and bonding.

He may be 20 on the outside, but maybe inside he still feels like a five year old who doesn't know where he belongs.

I know that I have experienced what I call the "come here, come here, come here... go away, go away, go away..." phenomenon on many occasions since being in reunion. I want the connection. But it scares me to death sometimes. Being left again, needing someone after depending on myself for so long, feeling an instinctual bond but not having the history to back it up... All of these play into my mind and emotional states. For me, these are definitely connected to adoption. This all takes time to sort out. Give it to him without withdrawing. That's the best advice I can think of.

Good luck to both of you.

ETA: To confirm something Sofiakat has said... Never mind the fact that I am in my late 30s. At the beginning of my reunion (and to a lesser extend even today), I told people I felt like I was a 3 year old again. Emotionally, I mean. My reaction to things is at such an emotionally immature level sometimes. I keep it all pretty close to my chest. But there is a reason this often feels like an emotional rollercoaster. Both parties can often feel thrown back to a much younger emotional age. And both parties need to give themselves permission to feel those things and work through them.

I know that you want to see him taking action and really diving into this...but it is hard. From what I have learned from the adoptees here, it just down right sucks. My kids are a little different. They see their n-father atleast once a month and had frequent contact with n-mom before she passed away this August. So, it's not hard for them to blend right back in when they see him. But your son was seperated from you for most of his life. I think what you have to do is not give up on him. YOU email and call and let him ease into it on his own time. Just by being a constant support, he will start to feel like he belongs and will start to make the level of contact you wish for.

maybe call him up and talk to him about making a regular date for the two of you to get together and hang out, do things that interest him eat food etc.. and then after a few times of this regularly working out then perhaps try further involving him into the family by inviting him to family dinners, get togethers, birthdays etc. until he just becomes a part of things. Sounds like he just needs to be handled with kid gloves, go slowly and gently and keep trying.. he seems to need that reassurance from others that he is welcome and won't take the first steps. Best of luck to you. Also, is there any contact between you and adopted parents? perhaps you can touch bases with them, they too might be concerned about his inability to connect to others and be a part of things..

"... truly there is nothing to fear, the adoptee could never think of the A-parents in any different way than they do ,they are mom and dad and would not have to share their parenthood" Wanna bet? This is a hugely misinformed and generalizing statement. Many adoptees (not all) DO find a mom and dad at the end of their search. It is up to the people who raised them to find space in their hearts and lives to embrace the second mother and father and not be threatened by the fact that the adoptee always had two sets: one set present and another set "in exile." The "lifetime guarantee" that agencies give is in many cases nothing more than a sales-pitch to sell the infant. The theft of my baby was not an "unselfish act of love" on my part. My love was expressed in wanting with all my heart to keep him. However, at the time, in the country i lived in, human rights were routinely ignored and an "unmanned mother" could lose her baby at birth solely because she had no-one to protect her. My son found a mom in reunion. He found me. It is neither of our faults that the people who had ended up with him didn't recognize our mother-son relationship. Signed, mom of 4 3 raised and 1 reunited after abduction/adoption

Things happen and we dont get to chance the past as much as we would all like to at some point. The only thing you can do is assure him that you will be there for him if and when he wants you to be. I think that is all of us want in life to feel like we belong and that someone loves us and excepts us for who we are. I hope this works out for you and he wants to be part of you life, maybe if you call him, or e-mail he will feel more welcome and not like he is pushing himself on you. maybe that will make it easier on him. Good luck

When I found my bdaughter in 2001, I decided to let her be in charge of our relationship. She set the rules. She doesn't feel comfortable in "our" family situations. We invite her to all family functions but she rarely comes. She is not close to any of her family except her amom, so I think that she feels like people have abandoned her over and over. She is in counseling now, so I suggest that your son look into it or at least join a support group.

Yes, it could be related to adoption.

Make sure he knows he is a permanent part of your family, involve him in all family holidays, activities, communications, etc.

Sounds like he needs reassurance from you that he is truly wanted.

Don't ever give up on him, even if he doesn't initiate communication. Always stay in touch and involved with him.