Your infertility experience...How do you feel, what things have well meaning people said that hurt, etc.?

Wow! What a great question!

I don’t even know where to start. I have been married for 14 year and been TTC for God knows how long. We tried unsuccessfully on our own and then looked into a fertility specialist. It was found that my FSH levels were too high to make good eggs or that I have diminished ovarian reserve and my RE said because I had tried for so long unsuccessfully that IVF would be my best option. We jumped in feet first. The first was a BFN, the second ectopic, and last another BFN, and I’m due to start another this week.

There are MANY well meaning unthinking folk out there. Unfortunately, they do not know how hurtful they can be. You know, I sometimes tell people that talking to someone who is suffering from infertility has the same feeling like when talking to someone you know who has a loved one that died. It is very hard to think of the right things to say so some either don’t say anything (The pink elephant in the room) or you are avoided.

Hearing “Do you have kids?” after everything I have been through kills me now. I even got “Do you want children?” It gets harder every time I hear it. I’ve heard it all. “Relax”, “You’re next”, “Go on vacation and it will work.” This even coming from people who know I lost on tube with my ectopic and my other doesn’t work.

What now bothers me the most is hearing that adoption is an option for me. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard to “Just adopt.” This is from people who have no clue what the adoption process is like. I have even heard “Just adopt and you’ll get pregnant.” Adoption is not a cure for infertility and does not take away a desire for a biological child. It is very complicated and there are huge risks, expenses, it is emotionally challenging and there is no guarantee of a child in the end. Don’t remind a women suffering with infertility that she can adopt. She already knows. I have nothing against adoption. I plan on doing it in the future no matter what. It is just not an option for me right now.

Here is another example of hurtful questions. Feel free to look at my response :) http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AjZEN...

These days it’s hard not to get snarky sometimes.

Wishing your arms will be full soon!

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Well, one of the first ones I noticed that made me cringe was when people imply that we are lucky that we don't have children yet. We can still go out to eat as a couple, etc. Well, yes that is nice, but they are simply showing how ungrateful they are for having the gift of a child. Another is when people almost seem to discourage you from having a child by saying "It will change your life" etc. No kidding?! It will??? How's that? ;-P

When my best friend and sister said if they got pregnant again they would give the baby to me...well, it is nice they would trust me with their own flesh and blood...but I would rather have my own.

When people make it clear they prefer one gender over another. WHO CARES? This is not a decision that is meant to be made by us!! My sister's husband freaked out worrying it was not a boy so he wanted to get the 3d ultrasound to make sure...like, what does that mean? Would he have not wanted the child if it were a girl? Weird.

When people tell me that it will happen, and I need to relax and just let it happen. Sorry, but it isn't likely to "just happen" the same way falling asleep "just happens" Some people actually have fertility issues, and even if they are "unexplained" that is still an issue for them. Having a child is one of the strongest urges a human experiences. It is horrible not to be able to satisfy that urge.

One of the things I feel a lot is that I am not measuring up...or I am not worthy of certain things because I am not a mother yet and everyone thinks I should be. I somehow feel subhuman because of it. It is just such a shock to find out you have fertility issues. No one even thinks of that until you get the news!

I could go on and on....

Oh, the BIG one is when I read people telling infertile couples that they should adopt. Look...some women have an urge to carry a child...I know I do and adoption does not satisfy that. Plus, adoption is more costly than fertility treatments! It is horrible and it should not be that expensive to save the life of a child, but someone wants to profit from their suffering so it is. I also think it is ridiculous when people say "if you adopt you will get pregnant after" That happens about 1% of the time. Give me a break.

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We had secondary infertility after having one child with no problem. That s often a more invisible problem than

primary infertility, since most people assume you re fertile if you ve produced a child. In any case, I

silently burned when someone at my daughter s school said something to the effect, You were smart to have just one. (She didn t know we had long tried.)

This was many years ago, our wonderful daughter is in her twenties. We never did have a second child.

It was a hard time, because my husband and I were not on the same page about what to do. Though I had some other procedures, I was not interested in in vitro and wanted to pursue adoption. He wasn t interested in adoption. We go through it.

Lots of things have hurt me... and not always by well meaning ppl!

For a start to see drug addicts etc pop out one baby after the other with no disregard for its health and well being, only to watch it be taken in to care and have an awful life... when i and millions of other women would provide such a stable and loving home to a child and we struggle to concieve... I think something is wrong with nature here and extreamly unfair...

Me and a very close friend had a fall out a couple of years ago as she really let me down publically, only to shout in front of everyone that i was a barron cow, and she had the one thing that I would never have... (a child) and the way she scream's and shouts at her daughter amazes me but that was something I had to deal with...

However im extreamly lucky, after 5 years I have managed to concieve dispite being told i never would with the help of clomid, and a little miracle! I know some women will never get the luck I have and I will truly cherish my little girl for the rest of her life! Im still pregnant, 22 weeks and I have just been told she has something wrong with one of the chambers in her heart... I have to go back for more tests but they can't do a lot until I have had her... I just pray and hope that she will get to live a long and happy life, dispite her heart problem... Im too grateful to be having her in the first place to be bitter about her having problems... She will have a lot more than other kids in the sence of love and stability and we can work through any health problems she may have...

I think it is great what you are doing. The most painful thing for me has been my friends getting pregnant and "feeling bad" that I have not been able too. I think that you need to include in your project how to help your friend deal with not being able to concieve..when you had no problems and are pregnant yourself. People just don't get it. Here is the story..my best friend and I decided at the same time that we were going to TTC together and have our babies at the sametime. We both got married at the same time and wanted to have kids the same age. Well two months in she got pregnant. Over a year later..I am still not and have had multiple surgeries for endo and cysts. Anyhow, during her pregnancy she pulled away from me because she felt "guilty" that she was pregnant and I was not. When actually I wanted so bad to live vicariously through her. She didn't understand that I could actually be happy for her..inspite of my own troubles. I told alot of my girlfriends (we are all very close) and they all agreed that they would feel "guilty" if they got pregnant knowing that I was having so much pain and trouble. It has made things really hard for me and put me on the "outside" of the pregnant group. Not because of me, because there mis-understandings of what I am going through. I think it is important to understand that we don't want to here "it will happen" or "just relax" or be put on the outside of the pregnant club. We want to be in the "pregnant club" even though we can't get pregnant right now. Does that make sense?

Thank you so much for giving us a voice!!! It is way over due! If you could help us get insurance for fertility treatment that would be nice to haha.

My husband and I have been TTC for 1 1/2 now with no luck. I have always been irregular and tend to be a very sensitive person when it comes to these things. I remember the roughest moment for me was the morning my husband recieved an email from hhis mom telling him that all three of his sisters were pregnant. That was the first time I had ever locked myself in the bathroom and just cried my heart out. I consider myself a strong person but having to watch someone else who didnt want to get pregnant get to see and experience all the things I want breaks my heart.

I also have a problem with women who use children as tools. Like my other sister in law who has two sons from two different fathers. She always dumps them on other people and yells at them constantly. I feel terrible for them and any other children I pray she does not have.

Because my husband and I dont have insurance we will have a ahrd time affording a fertility doctor. We are still going to try though. We can't wait for our first baby, and will do anything and everything to make sure they are happy.

Thanks so much for everything you are doing. I pray you have your own baby soon. Blessed be.

wow, this is a really good question.

first i want to tell you about a close family member of mine. her and her husbnad both are infertile. they tried everything you could possible think of. they even used her sister in law as a surrogate, and she became pregnant w/ her second child right after the ivf didnt work.

i have been trying for over a year, and have a a few problems i am currently dealing with. the things that bother me the most are when people keep asking me when were having kids. its the hardest when you have to explain it AGAIN... its even harder when all of my friend are getting pregnant. the hardest thing for me isnt a direct comment; its the "It was such a suprise" or "it was unplanned" it just kills me that people that dont want kids get pregnant so easily and people like you and i try and try and are ready for it may not get to experience it.

OK here I go well I have been TTC for 3 years! I never thought I would have a single issue! We both already had children from different relationships! My self I had my daughter when I was 15 fifteen years ago! My hubbys child is 10. Well after year 2 I went in for my yearly pap and had abnormal cells. Later to find out that they were stage 3 pre-cancer cells! I was sat down and told if I wanted a child now is the time so we started with clomid. Tried that for a few months with nothing! During that time I had a leep done and all my paps had been clean so that is soo good!! Then In February I had a HSG done found out that I had blockages in both tubes! Total bummer!! Well then I had surgery done in August to unblock my tubes just to find out they were soo damaged that they removed them! SO the only way now is for IVF! After talking about it we both feel uncomfortable getting a loan for it! So now we move on and be glad I have my daughter! I think what you are doing is great! Thanks!!!