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I need feedback on intro for my story.?

It's sorta a fantasy story, and the intro is kinda sad, and it's just the first paragraph. Tell me how it's going and if you have any other ideas on what to add. Thanks in advance!

I never cry. Not even now. Even though inside, I’m desperately waiting to burst, to let out my sorrow and fear, I just stand there, watching as everyone bows their heads as the priest says some prayers solemnly to the casket below him. I watch as my mother, in her black hat, cry and cry, and lay her head against my father who stands there, still as a statue, as a single tear falls down his worn out face. Everyone’s crying. Everyone-but me. Soon, the ritual is over, and I run. I run away into the house and into the bathroom. I slump down, and cry for the first time in my life. I cry, letting out all my sorrow and fear onto the cold, hard tiled floor where no one can find me, where I’m lost in my own memories.

3 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    It's not the type of thing that I am usually interested in, but what I can say that it was ok content wise. The one suggestion that I would have for you is to have a little bit better sentence structure. A great deal of sentences are unnecessary and can be attached to other sentences. (not only here, but in general.)

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    It's a good plot but the structure needs to be improved and you need to substitute a few words. And get rid of other stuff.

    But I'm curious so post the rest please!

  • i like it. i'm curious to find out what happends, which is a good sign. so it's good. =)

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