Adoptees are you offended? ?

I'm offended by the assumption that because I don't like adoption there is either something wrong with me or that my (adoptive) parents did something wrong. I'm offended by the assumption that because when I talk about adoption I'm negative, that I must be an unhappy person. I'm offended by the assumption that I speak about adoption because I want people to fix me or pity me. I'm offended by the claim that because everyone has pain, that the pain of adoption is safely ignored.

Thumbs down don't offend me. I've gotten them for the most innocuous comments. It just shows that some people are too petty or too ignorant to bother understanding what others have said. Thumbs down say much more about the person who gives them than the person who gets them.

for me the adoption process needs to change - it needs much more of a long term foster approach - where the bio parent has a say in what happens to the child and when able or willing can take back control. The adoption laws in the UK (where I am from) have not been significantly looked at for years and I doubt they have in the states either.

My Ap's made mistakes in handling adoption but they only followed the thinking of the day (back in the 1970's) so I dont blame that them at all.

Why do I come here to tell my whinny story of discontent - I dont know maybe I have some things to work out and here is as good a place as any. There are people with different experiences and agenda. I feel kinda safe knowing that whilst my experience hasn't been the best it hasn't been the worse - maybe a sort of belonging really. I have learnt quite a lot and have been offered quite a bit of advice,

There are some great AP's/PAP's on this site who really want to try and work within the adoption framework, who come on here and ask genuine questions about how their children may feel, what they should do to assist their children etc etc... And then there are those that really piss me off and think that we are commodities to be traded and purchased so we can be discussed at dinner parties. Some appear to treat us as fashion accessories and not as humans. They want to forget that there is parts of us missing that we need to discuss maybe meet up with because it makes them feel unconfortable - well sorry they knew what you where getting into - I didnt have a choice.

I hope I dont come accross as too angry and bitter because really I am not so I hope I get more thumbs up than down but to be honest I dont really care.

Wow. The tone of those questions was bordering on offensive...

I really liked MamaKate's answer. I think the adoptees that come here to answer questions are pretty good sports in general. I believe I can speak for most of them when I say that we come here to give voice to the voiceless children who are unable to verbalize or feel empowered enough to represent themselves because they are too young. We also come here working to change the conversation to include the adoptee perspective, so the children might be spared some of the issues that were not addressed as we were growing up. We're here to improve the situation for the children.

I'm not offended by adoptive parents or natural parents' opinions of adoption because I recognize that a lot of the stupid hurtful things they say are born of ignorance, which is based on adoption industry rhetoric. We are all pawns in their game, in my opinion.

As for our "whiny" stories of discontent. You just managed to hit upon my biggest pet peeve in life: That anyone who complains is a whiner. It doesn't matter whether there is a valid point to be made, or a situation which can only be improved by learning what is wrong so you can address what needs to be fixed. It doesn't matter that many of us were victims of a sometimes corrupt, often mismanaged, misguided attempt at charity. We are not allowed to acknowledge our own pain or loss without being resented by those who don't want to alter their world view because then their bubble of hope would be tainted with some ugly reality.

That's called denial.

But, like MamaKate pointed out, these adoptees who are under attack for expressing themselves are your children. Human nature does not change. Children today are going through all the same things we had to go through. Adoption still messes with their sense of identity. The adopted child still has to find a way to reconcile and grieve for severed connections of whose importance and impact they may not come to terms with for decades. And the new adoptive parents have not swallowed some magic pill making them better parents than our parents were. They are just reliving the same scenario, often making the same mistakes.

The thing that can change is giving equal standing to every leg of the adoption triad. Up until this point in history, the only leg with any bearing has been the leg which supports the adoption industry.

We're here to help, not whine. If being perceived as whining is all that we accomplish, then I have much much better things to do with my time and I'll no longer give a damn if your kids grow distant and you never have close relationships.

Is there anything that offends me about adoption?

Had to think hard about this one.

First answer is, that lawyers and adoption agencies can hold and control access to an adoptees's identity independent of states and NATIONS. Only God should be able to do that.

Second answer is, when people who haven't been adopted internationally assume they know better how to deal with international adoption than someone who's had to "live the rainbow" as you put it.

Times like that I want to believe in reincarnation and hope they come back in their next life as a relinquished child, sent to a strange land where they can't even communicate, with no other choice but to learn to care for the ones they must rely upon, totally isolated from their culture and handicapped by the color of their skin.

Yeah. that's pretty galling and offensive.

Dear Lori,

As you know I am a FM not an adopted person, but I just wanted to add that I have been offended FOR adoptees at some of the awful things people say to them. I have the utmost respect for people who have the courage to share their pain in order to encourage change (including FPs and APs) and I hurt for those who are so cruelly disregarded or verbally abused about it. Hurtful comments to adopted people bother me even more than ones to FPs or APs because, a.) THEY DIDN'T ASK TO BE ADOPTED and b.) hateful and cruel comments about adoptees would include MY children!!

My "MamaBear" instincts tend to kick in when I hear, see, or read about people being ugly to adopted people. (Even when the adopted persons are older than me!) It just seems doubly offensive when they are directed at people who are the biggest victims of the adoption industry - the innocent children who had NO CHOICE!!

Sorry for intruding on a question meant for adopted people. I just wanted to add my two cents on behalf of my children and all the others like them.

I don't come here to tell my 'whiny story of discontent.' My discontent is NOT with my life OR my AP's. My discontent is with the agencies and the crappy policies our government has in place to protect everyone EXCEPT the adoptee: The only person in the triad who didn't have a choice.

I come on here to talk about issues that affect adoptees like me. I come on here to answer questions from the adoptee perspective that AP's ask. There ARE AP's on here who genuinely want to learn about the adoptee perspective in order to better parent their adoptive child. I can only commend these people.

I get offended and angry when people ask about how to start their own rainbow cult. I get offended and angry when people tell me I should shut up and be grateful I wasn't thrown in a dumpster or aborted. I get offended and angry when people tell other adoptees to stop whining... especially when I KNOW some of these people and I KNOW that their experience with adoption has been nothing but pain inflicted upon them by both their AP's and their FP's. And our government ALLOWS it to happen... the agencies ENCOURAGE it to happen... by their policies and the legislature (or lack thereof in some instances) pertaining to adoption practices.

THAT is what offends me, when adoptive parents tell me that I am "whiny" because I am telling MY story and MY truth and trying to get people to understand.

I had the same conversation I've had with my adoptive parents for the 1000th time yesterday. I tried to explain to them that it is hard and sometimes I feel very hurt and confused and it's best for them to just listen to me, but all they had to say was "but we love you." "you have your whole life ahead of you." "look at the life you have, aren't you happy? We have given you everything?" "you need to move on, don't make it such a drama".

If I was greiving the death of my parents (which adoption is similar to) I would never have that kind of reaction. Most people would sit down and go "awww it's okay....I'm here for you....is there anything I can do....it's okay to feel sad."

So why is it expected that adoptees keep their emotions locked inside because it's not okay to express them. It is not healthy or fair.

I am sick and tired of talking to a brick wall. Adoptees are not whining, they are not dramatising. They are speaking their truth, asserting their emotions which is actually fricking hard when all their lives they have been expected to shut up and hold it inside.

That is what offends me the most.

Adoptive parents are generally kind hearted and will do anything for their adopted children. The only thing they fail to realise is that adoption is only a PART of your life and if we have a bad day and cry it doesn't mean that our entire life is horrible and unhappy. All we want adoptive parents to do is acknowledge that adoption is a LOSS and children will have ongoing grief and confusion throughout their entire lives no matter how good and privilaged their life is now.

the only thing that offends me about adoption is that some people who adopt kids are evil and they abuse their kids. this has happened to my friends before. i was the lucky one.

i dont offend easily, but the thing that really gets me is things like

"this is our ADOPTED son/daughter xxxxx"

it literally makes me cringe. why does it have to be pointed out so specifically?

i also get offended when others tell me how i should feel or better yet-what its actually like. if you dont know-shut up and dont tell me your diluted ideas of what you THINK it must be like.

as for whiny stories.....i will whine if i want to. its my story, its my right. ((and you listen everytime...*wink*))

the only thing that offends me is closed minded people.

"I'M RIGHT YOU'RE WRONG" is the worst thing to ever say.

I am only offended when I get thumbs down for telling my story on here. When I state my opinion, bring on the thumbs down. When I tell my story about how adoption has and hasn't affected me, then how can that be a bad thing? Just because it isn't the magical perfect adoption story OR a horrible story where I am messed up for life doesn't mean it isn't a true story.