How do you handle sibling rivalry with your kids?

Question

My boys are 17 and 9. They are from two different husbands. My older one sees his father during the summer. My younger one hasn't seen his father since he was a baby. I am remarried and my little one considers him dad. (He knows my husband is the stepfather.) [just a little FYI] 

Anyway, my older gets money from his father and grandparents. My younger one does not. He sees his bother affording a lot of things outside of what their allowance can afford. (Their allowance isn't the same.) 

Growing up I use to and still do get the raw end of the deal. I do my best to make sure they don't go through the same thing I did/do. I know you can't make everything equal and you can't please everyone. 

My oldest is feeling resentment. He thinks his younger brother should just do without and be understanding about it. 

Opinions and advice please.

a n · Accepted Answer

You have to start with your 17 year old and explain to him that his NINE years old brother is just a kid and he feels left out due to his father's abandonment and he should be sensitive t o his LITTLE brother and to flaunt around things.  Now, your 9 years old, you have to sit down adn tell him that you love him very much and you understand that he feels angry about his father not being there.  Maybe you should increase his allowance due to the lack from his fathers just for him to get something extra for himself.  You should also explain To your 9 yrs Old that his brother is much older adn had different needs than him adn that's why he has more things  ( not because of his father's support) adn that when he is his brother's age you and his step father will have arrangements to ensure he has what he needs. 
But i would really try to find common ground between your children where their love to each other will be bigger than material things.  Good luck to you!

Paula from Maple Street · Answer

Life is not fair.  You can try your hardest to keep everything equal, but you can't.  Someone is always taller, better looking, faster, richer, whatever.  The difference in their ages alone means that they can not have everything equal.  You can't treat your 9 year old like he's 17 and vice versa.  The best you can do is explain why something happened and express empathy.  "Your brother's dad got him that iPod as a gift.  I'm sorry you didn't get one too.  Maybe your brother will let you borrow it sometimes."  Also teach the older one to share and look out for the younger one since he does seem to have advantages.

Anonymous · Answer

I don't think you should take anything away from your older son, that wouldn't be fair to him. Just explain to your younger son that he has a little bit of a different family and that they send him money sometimes, that might be a crappy thing to hear, but its true.

Bob · Answer

older kids deserve the best...just throw the little one out the window
equality does not equate to fairness
with my siblings i just use them in order to gang up on my current enemy sibling and destroy him so that he will answer to my every whim

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How do you handle sibling rivalry with your kids?

4 Answers