Adoptees: anyone not completely bitter ?

Not bitter at all, and have learned to keep my mouth shut around here as a result, except when specifically asked "who isn't bitter".

I was raised by two imperfect human beings who made the best decisions they could with the tools and skills they had.

I felt that my adoption was the luckiest thing that ever happened to me - gave me the opportunities to know all the people I know, have all the relationships I have, have the life I've been blessed with.

I know I am in the extreme minority here at this little corner of Y!A when I say that. It's why, again, I don't say it unless asked. I can tell you that it is my experience as an adult adoptee that my lack of bitterness is common among those I know who also have experience, in one way or another, with adoption.

In short, it's my humble opinion that with openness and honesty, your son doesn't have to grow up bitter and angry because of his adoption.

Wow, young adoptees? Thank you for the compliment!!!

At 35, I sometimes actually feel a little old ;)

I am not "bitter", well, okay maybe today if I go outside in the -40 degree windchill, then that is a little bitter, but no, I am a pretty normal and happy person.

I just don't like the fact that my records are sealed, the government and society treats me like a potential axe murderer for wanting them, and people think I should be "grateful" for losing my entire history and culture that I was born into.

Oh, and people who call me "bitter" kind of p1ss me off too.

Other than that, I'm a regular barrel of monkeys.

I was adopted by my stepfather who molested and abused me psychologically. I am having an awful time getting a birth certificate copy sent to me because of this adoption. I feel like I should have been left with my birth father, who I have found to be a victom rather than a dead-beat dad/

But I have seen the wards of the state and the environment they have to live in. No kid can reach their best potential without more attention than that. So do as you believe best. My opinion is that were I a child again, I would love to be adopted by you. Just remember to discipline correctly and reward good behavior appropriately, but show love all the time.

[I have been looking on Y!A and it seems the majority of posts come from young people who are quite bitter about being adopted.]

Young?

Um, I seriously doubt that. How would I know? Because I've talked to them in PMs and seen some of their photos on an adoptee-only centric forum. They aren't 16 year olds who are going through PMS or anything like that. Many of them are parents themselves.

[Is there anyone who actually had a good experience being raised by adoptive parents?]

I did.

[Would it somehow be better for children to be kept in a situation of neglect/abuse?]

No. It would "somehow" be better for P/APs to learn WHY these children are still being abused and doing everything possible to prevent the abuse/neglect from happening.

I do feel an abused/neglected child should not remain with biological parents. Of course I'd never say "let these kids keep starving to death" or "let's keep them in an orphanage" or "I hope they keep being abused."

Lord NO.

Your assumption is that many of these adoptees' original parents were abusive or neglectful. That is simply not true. Many of their original parents were pregnant at a time when raising a child as a single mother or an older teenager was unacceptable. It was the LAW. It didn't matter if those mothers were kind, loving people, or even if - in the rare case - their families wanted to help. It didn't matter if they could have gotten jobs and supported their infants. The law said no.

"You are a single mother, you are obviously unfit. Give up your baby. There are plenty of prospective parents who can and WILL do better than you. And you'll just 'get over it' anyway. Come on, don't make the prospective parents feel bad now. Give up your child. And don't worry - the pain will fade over time."

They were lied to.

I realize not every situation is like this. But in many situations, the original parents COULD have parented. Relinquishment does not automatically equal "they would have been abusive/neglectful/unloving towards their children."

In my case, all my mother needed was some help and she would have been able to parent me. How do I know that? Because I ASKED. Because I have a sibling who gives me glimpses of the life she has - due to MY adoption. Because I asked my mother if she ever loved me and missed me. Because my sister-born-to-my-original-mother is emotionally and physically fine in EVERY single way possible.

That's how I know.

you no you all communicate like its in elementary terms some issues he adoptee isn't allowed to have I cant have a house automobile telephone foodstuff clothing places to circulate to the bathing room delivery history i'm denied of lots of issues and nobdy even cares why in simple terms say and adoptee cant have delivery rcords a adoptee seems to no be able to have something in this dam planetwe are actually not even allowed to be in this airplane iam no longer allowed to b on earth the non adoptees have made this there planet and function made it that iam trespassing that's frightening

I'm 39.

I finally became more aware of my feelings about my own adoption later in life.It was only then that I allowed myself to own those feelings - instead of bowing to everyone else's feelings about my adoption.

Don't you want your son to one day by emotionally able within himself??

It's not up to you to stop your son feeling anything.

What is best for your son - is that he's allowed to grieve what he lost - and not be told that he's 'bitter' for anything he may feel.

He didn't ask for his mother to have a stroke so you could adopt him.

If he had a say - he would have wanted to live with the family he was born to. That's human nature.

That's nothing against you or your family - it's about him.

If you make it any other way - you're projecting what you want from him - not allowing him to just be him.

You totally belittle every adoptee that does read here by calling us bitter.

Learn from adult adoptees - rather than dismissing it because it feels wrong to you.

You start doing that to your own adoptee - and your adoptee will shut up - and internalise everything that he could feel -because he won't feel safe to feel it.

It's not about which family would have been better - he had no choice.

Don't make him have to feel 'grateful' for the sad situation he has found himself in.

Read, research, open you mind.

That is what you can do to be the best father you can be.

I love my adoptive family very much - but that's despite the rough times I had growing in a family that didn't look, act and have talents like me.

Adoption is extremely complex - and until you can even slightly grasp that - you'll keep that closed mind of yours iron tight.

For your son's sake - try and look at things from the other side.

I'm 30, and I wouldn't say I'm bitter with every aspect of adoption, but many of them make me boil inside. It has actually gotten worse over time, as I began to have my own opinions on things that I previously heard from my parents and took as gold. I no longer think that adoption is the best option for a woman who is under 18. I no longer think its the best option in 98% of the cases where it comes to fruition. I think the emphasis needs to be on making the proper arrangements for women to properly raise their babies, not on splitting up families to alleviate temporary issues, like money or housing. For every adopted child, there is a whole story behind it. We need to do what we can for the families of these babies so that they can be raised intact, rather than broken. Thats how I feel about my own adoption. Broken.

I am in my teens and have been raised by my adoptive parents from ten months old. I am not bitter at all about adoption. When I was born in China, I was probably guaranteed a spot in the rice fields nd no chance to prosper in communist China. My parents adopted me into their family and it gave me a second chance at life. Now I live in the U.S., I am a avid student, and on a busy year round swim team schedule. I love my life, and am grateful for a second chance at life

Yes, my adoptive parents are ace. My 'bitterness' is not directed at them.

The adoption system sucks. Secrets, lies and holding people's identities and heritage hostage makes me spit feathers. Unnecessary infant adoptions break my heart.

Openness, honestly and transparency is what your future son deserves, nothing less. No secrets, lies or having to fantasize in the absence of facts and reality.

Happy holidays!

I'm a prospective adoptive parent. I've learned an enormous amount of valuable information from this board - moreso than any other research I've done. What I like about this board is that people on all sides of the adoption issue are free to speak their truths. Therefore, when you hear a lot of pain and anger, it is REAL...it's not some teenager just trying to piss in your fruit loops. Most likely, the person posting is over 30, has lived adoption the vast majority of his/her life, has put blood, sweat, and tears into their goal of reforming adoption as it stands, and they've got a whole lot to say...all of which is worth listening to (even if you don't like to hear it). I guarantee, if you open your mind, and spend some time here, it will make you a better parent to your son.

Happy reading!

Granted, there are some people that feel bitter about being adopted. Perhaps even a majority. Being adopted myself I feel as if these people are more often than not misinformed. There is a stereotype about adoption that says that if you are adopted that you were obviously not wanted, and that, in most cases is not the truth at all. Many mothers put their children up for adoption because they know that they cannot provide the life that their child would deserve. In my particular case and apparently in yours, this appears to be the situation. I was adopted at 1.5 days old and I have been extremely fortunate to have been raised by good honest people. When I was born, my birth mother gave my parents a letter to give to me the day that I turned 18. And they actually did give it to me. When i was almost 23 years old I found my birth mother. She is a good woman and she did not WANT to give me up. She just knew that she could not do for me what my adoptive parents could have done and did do. Having now seen both sides of the coin, I realize that I am 1,000,000 times better off than I would have been if I had been kept in that family, however I have no bitterness toward my birth mother and still keep in contact with her to this day. I now have 1 complete set of parents and I have a whole other family that I can look to in times of frustration or trouble. They all love me, perhaps in different ways and with far different means, but love is not a monetary thing. My adoptive parents have raised me since birth and as far as I am concerned they are my parents through and through. My biological mother put me up for adoption and sacrificed a part of herself in doing so and that is just another example of unconditional love. So, to make a long answer much shorter, NO I am not bitter, I am extremely fortunate. And that's all I have to say about that...