Husband calls names and puts me down...?

• Excerpts from:

WHY DOES HE DO THAT?

INSIDE THE MINDS of ANGRY and CONTROLLING MEN

BY: LUNDY BANCROFT

15 Signs That Point to a Potential Abuser

1. A push for quick involvement: comes on very strong, claiming, “I’ve never felt loved like this by anyone.” An abuser pressures the woman for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.

2. Jealousy: excessively possessive, calls you constantly or visits unexpectedly, prevents you from going to work because “you might meet someone”, checks the mileage on your car.

3. Controlling: interrogates you intensely (especially if you’re late), about whom you talked to, and where you were, keeps all the money, insists that you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.

4. Unrealistic expectations: expects you to be the perfect woman and meet his every need.

5. Isolation: tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of “causing trouble”; the abuser may take away your phone or car and try to prevent you from keeping a job.

6. Blames others for problems and mistakes; the boss, you – it’s always someone else’s fault if anything goes wrong.

7. Makes everyone else responsible for his feelings: the abusers says, “You make me angry”, instead of “I am angry” or “You hurt me by not listening or doing what I tell you to do”, also, “Why do you make me hit you?”

8. Hypersensitivity: he is easily insulted, claims that his feelings are hurt when he is really just mad.

9. Cruelty to children and animals; kills or punishes animals brutally. May expect children to do things far beyond their ability. For example: may whip a 2 year old for wetting a diaper, or may tease a child till they cry. 65% of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.

10. “Playful” use of force during sex; he enjoys throwing you down or holding you against your will during sex; says he finds the idea of rape exciting.

11. Verbal abuse: constantly picking at you, or says cruel, hateful things, degrades, curses, calls you ugly things, then says you’re too sensitive. May include sleep deprivation – waking you to curse at you, won’t let you sleep until “this is taken care of”.

12. Rigid sex rules: expects you to serve, obey and remain at home.

13. Sudden mood swings – switches from sweetly loving to explosively violent in a matter of minutes.

14. Admits to hitting women in the past, but says they made him do it, or it wasn’t his fault. Uses threats of violence. “I’ll break your neck!” “I’ll kill you if…” then says “Everybody talks that way”, or “I didn’t really mean it.” If he has come this far it’s time to get help to get out.

The Abuser’s Most Common Control Tactics:

• Sarcasm

• Ridicule

• Distorting what you say

• Distorting what happened before

• Sulking

• Accusing you of doing what HE does, or thinking the way HE thinks

• Interrupting

• Not listening, refusing to respond

• Laughing out loud at your opinion

• Turning your complaints against you

• Changing the subject to HIS complaints

• Criticism that is harsh, undeserved or frequent

• Provoking guilt

• Making HIMSELF the victim

• Smirking, rolling his eyes, making faces

• Yelling, shouting

• Swearing

• Name-calling, insulting you or putting you down

• Walking out

• Towering over you

• Walking toward you with his fist raised

• Blocking a doorway

• Getting too close when he is angry

• Threatening to leave you

• Threatening to harm you

Is What He Doing Abuse?

• He gets you back if you complain about his behavior

• He tells you that your complaints about his treatment of you are your problem

• He gives apologies that are insincere or angry and demands that you accept them

• He blames you for his behavior

• It’s never the right time, or the right way to bring things up

• He undermines your life

• He denied what he did

• Anything he does that is hurtful or angry was because “You made him” do it

• He touches you in anger or puts you in fear

• He pushes you for sex or sexually assaults you

• His behavior is a pattern

The Abusive Mentality

• He is controlling

• He feels entitled

• He twists things into their opposites

• He disrespects his partner and says he is superior to her

• He confuses love and abuse

• He is manipulative

• He feels justified

• He denies or minimizes his abuse

• He shows a good public image

• He is possessive

REMEMBER!

Abuse comes from attitudes and values, not feelings.

Abuse and respect are opposites.

Abusers know what they are doing, even if they don’t appear to.

Abusers are unwilling, not unable to change.

They don’t want to give up their power and control.

Me Names

husband calls names puts

he does this so he can feel like he has no blame. if he can blame you then he doesnt have to hear you call him out. honestly, just pack his **** and tell him that since he made his feelings clear and concise the other night about your behavior and his desire to work so as not to see you that you felt it most prudent to make everything more official. give him his stuff and tell him that the lawyers will be contacting him in a few days. adn that you send all your best to heidi or frodo or whoever else he decideds to end up with. life is to short to stay with a prick. it hurts now but your 33 thier is someone better out thier for you. dont waist another year on this douche. his actions are indicative of someoen who has no desire to stay together or that he even respects you. why even put up with it.

It sounds like he is not happy with you. I also got the impression you are not telling us his side of the story, in other words, what are his real complaints about you that started some of this?

No I am not excusing his behavior as it is NOT right for him to be that way. What I am saying is what are his reasons for not being happy with you and can you talk to him about them when he is not angry or tired? Try to meet him half way on any complaints. Compromise helps keep marriages together AND solve problems.

Good luck. Try counseling again and as a last resort, leave him if he wont stop his abuse.

Why does he find you mean did you ever asked him? And i think the way he behaves is stupid hide your ring and blackmails you about the green card if this is going on for a long time you should divorce him i also think that is the only option because mostly i always say to try first before going to divorce. But he is to much and you deserve better.

what would you tell your daughter to do if you knew her husband was treating her this exact same way??

"leave, make him leave, get out, divorce, your worth more than that, hes probably cheating..."

pretty simple when you think about it that way right?

u need to be strong realise u can have a better life and care enough 4 ur baby to do something about it before his temper escalates into violence.

what if he hurt u n u lost the baby?

what if u have ur baby and then he kills u and ur baby has to grow up with no mum?

what if he smacks ur baby around and causes serious damage?

do you want to know that you are to blame for not seeing the signs and getting out while u could, i think not!

goodluck xo

A person will only treat you that way if you let them. It sounds like you both have serious issues that could use the help of a good therapist. If you want to save your marriage - I would suggest marriage counseling.

The advice to get off the computer and back into the kitchen..(obviously how he treats His boyfriend...

Anyway he is TOO defensive. Looks like he thinks the best defense is a good offense. He has some issues going on.

Why would he not behave this way? You stay with him and tolerate his behavior so he has no motivation to change.

Wake you and grow up. You do not have to tolerate this behavior you can leave. You can find someone else who respects you. You can have a good life. You can do all this - without him!

This is not the behavior of a man in love and respectful of his wife.

This is not a warm loving man caring for what means most to him.

Which would indicate to me, you are not currently what means most.

And don't forget-

The guilty party always screams the loudest.