My wife won’t let me live the life I’ve always wanted.?

While my ex husband wasn't a musician, I understand what your wife is feeling. The nights you spend at your bandmate's home because of the distance is one thing... invite your wife to go with BUT make sure and include her in after activities...don't just let her sit there... OR better yet, instead of staying at the bandmate's home, spend the night in a nice hotel where you and she can have "alone' time.

The other part of this is something I haven't seen addressed by others (or I might have missed it)... but, from what I gather, you are considerably involved with the band... your wife spends time alone... your brother is now home from school and you've not seen him in a year so you want to spend time with him... understandable. HOWEVER, from your wife's point of view...she sees that suddenly you have found "time" to spend with your brother...the same "time" she can't understand you make for her.

When you and your wife said "I do" that meant that you both wanted to devote your lives to one another...You have to make adjustments in your life to accomodate her and she must do the same. I suspect she is feeling neglected because, as you said, the time you would spend with her would be spent sleeping anyway.... ah... but that same time you are spending with your brother isn't involving sleeping??? See where this is going? You seem to have the time to spend with everyone else, but when it comes to her, you obviously use that time to catch up on much needed sleep.

As for New Year's Eve...reread what you've said above... and I think you will see where you might have been able to handle the situation differently. You stated that she wanted to go to bed at around 11pm... you stated you wanted to hang with your brother and friends and enjoy the New Year... ah.. is that saying hanging with her you wouldn't have enjoyed the New Year??? 'cause that's what I read into all this.. and that is exactly what your wife is reading into this.. she wants "alone" time with you... not "alone time so you can catch up on sleep" time. She wants the romance that was once there.... granted, your life as a muscician presents obstacles...but if you truly want this woman in your life, you need to give her the same attention you give your friends and your brother. Sometimes it is easy to take your loved one for granted and not understand when they do not react the way you think they should.

My suggestion to you in this new year is to set aside a night each week that is exclusively for you and your wife... a date night.. a stay at home and spend time together night... whatever you want it to be... and, whatever you do, stick to it. PLUS make sure you do this only if you really want to because she'll know if you are not serious about this time together. I promise you that this will help with her self esteem...it will help you with realizing that this woman is the love of your life...and it will also make your friends realize that because you are married, your lifestyle may be different than theirs. In a nutshell, don't put her last on your list...'cause I can guarentee in a matter of time you will end up first on her list of things to get rid of... I know.. I've been there...

And, for what it's worth, my ex husband's brother was married to a woman who demanded that Wednesday nights were her nights with him.. when the children came along, it was family night...no television, phone was taken off the hook.. the family spent that night, every week, together... well, he was tragically killed some years ago, but guess what???? His widow and their children have those wonderful memories... think about that.... good luck and sorry this was so long...

We're both musicians who can't imagine living with or being married to non-musicians. It's a lifestyle and if you're not "into it" it has to be hard to understand. I think you've made some good suggestions but you sound like polar opposites. You might suggest that she become involved in some aspect of your career.(There are always so many non musical things that need to be done) Maybe invite her to your show that's an hour and 1/2 away and instead of crashing at the bass players house, get a room with her. (Little mini vacation)

Make sure that you are also taking time to just hang out with her at home. It sounds like she's made concessions, have you? Marriage is about supporting each other. If she's doing all of the supporting and you leave her hanging constantly, it won't last. If you've been less than supportive about how SHE enjoys living, make the new year a chance to do things differently. Get out the calendar and like the gigs you play, schedule time that is blocked out just for her. When those times roll around, make her your #1 priority and don't skip out to hang out, go out or be anywhere that isn't with her. Let her know that you're working on it and invite her to come to more gigs to see what your musician life is all about....

Good luck :)

The married life of a musician is very hard. Do you make enough with your line of work that she can quit hers? If she didn't have to work, then she could come with you on all your gigs. And, if you make it big, then she can come on tour with you.

Definitely hold off on children until everything is sorted out. If she's playing the "poor me" card right now, then when you have kids it will evolve into the "nagging, controlling wife" card. And, I'm not saying your wife is playing you. I'm sure she genuinely feels that way.

More often than not, I believe spouses should sacrifice their WANTS for their spouse's NEEDS. Obviously, in this case, your wife's Love Language is Quality Time. The way she receives love from you is a legitimate need. Is playing in your band 2-3 nights a week a legitimate need? Only you can answer that one.

Is there a middle ground you both can come to, like only playing in local gigs or only playing far away gigs one night a week? Or, perhaps you can make the sacrifice after gigs, buy a Red Bull and drive home like your wife needs and sleep at home. If the band doesn't allow less gigs, is there a way to find a more part time band?

Take the 5 Love Languages quiz I linked to below, both of you. Determine how you receive love and make it priority to put those first above all other things. Your relationship with your wife is more important than practically anything.

Were you on the road a lot before you got married? Was this always a part of your life, or have you started doing gigs since you got married? If it was always a part of your life and you didn't make a promise or even hint that you would change that part of your life, then she probably should have expected the same unless there were promises otherwise.

It has to be hard being married to a musician. My father is a musician and in his younger days, he was out playing somewhere every weekend. My mom usually went along, but I found out that before I was born it caused problems. Musicians tend to attract women. My dad had that problem (at least it was a problem for his marriage) and although my parents ended up staying together, my father fell into that musician trap. Your wife is probably very fearful of the same thing. I hate to put a stigma on a certain group of people, but I have seen it happen very often among friends of mine who are in bands, men who otherwise cherish their wives end up doing something very stupid.

You and her need to reach a compromise. One that you both can live with. Obviously you love your music and want to continue. Obviously, it bothers her that you are gone so much. Ask her what will make her comfortable without compromising what you love so much.

The fact that we are living and breathing and able to do all these things. The fact that we are not rocks and some divine coincidence made use who we are instead of some inorganic atom. The fact we can give things worth. We can categorise. Its all beautiful, the sight, the sound, the feel, the emotion, the taste. Even pain. We can feel that not many other things can. Pain may be painful, but we can feel it just as we can feel happy. Its amazing really that out of all of this we can do these things. Although it seems to suck sometimes its still wonderful. random fact: if you shoot a rabbit, it doesnt know why it feels pain, it doesn't register that there is an explanation, it just knows it feels pain and as a reaction will run away, even if its dying. Shoot a human (even if they did not know what a gun was) it would realise its something launched, have some sort or knowledge of what to do and so on. I dont think this was relevant but its written now... But if youre looking for one reason it would definitely be pie.

Why can't she go with you and you get a hotel together instead of driving home late? Did she know going into this marriage that you would be gone alot? If she knew then she can't say much. She's feeling neglected and feeling that your night job is more important than her. I would either cut back to once a week or on weekends when she can go with you. She might get bored with it after a while and not even want to go. Good luck. I would put off having kids until the problem is settled. Dee Dee

Why doesn't she go with you to your gigs and stuff? Are they paid gigs? Does it help pay the bills? (That's great if it does! I'm just curious.) My boyfriend (I know that's different, but he's very close to your age and we're pretty close to marriage) is very busy too. He has a lot of friends; I've always been pretty much a loner (not by choice). He hangs out with his friends a lot but he always makes time for me. And if I haven't seen him in a few days (week even) he'll plan a date-even if it's just dinner and a movie.

Girls have very active imaginations because of the complex message we're raised with (be an independent woman AND a great housewife-it's really difficult to do) and it's really hard for us emotionally to understand that your brain doesn't work like ours. The way she's interpreting your actions is that you don't love her anymore or don't like her anymore and are probably looking for someone else.

You sound like a great guy and she is lucky to have you, but women respond a lot better to actions than words because they speak louder to us.

Just try to make a little more time for her, invite her out to some of your gigs, and do little romantic things. A dinner date or two wouldn't hurt either =)

Why doesn't she go to the gigs? And crash with you at your bass player's house? LOL! I'm sorry that sounded really high school to me. Anyway, all 3 of my exes were musicians & it really did suck. It just adds to any trust issues that already exist because you're hanging out in bars without her, maybe you have groupies, then you don't even come home. It takes one hell of a secure woman to deal with that & believe you.

Even though she doesn't like going out much, you can always make your time with her more memorable instead of sitting at home or just sleeping in the same bed. Take her out to dinner, go to a movie, walk around at some shops, etc. Maybe then she won't feel like all your going out time is just for you & your buddies.

i think you married a little girl who is emotionally dependent on you for her happiness. She is too much like a 5 yr old who cries when their mother leaves. She knew yu were a musician when you got married and she accepted that part of you when she took you as her husband. There is no reason a grown woman should be so needy. The fact that she doesn't want to hang out with friends or do anything should tell you something. This is the type of woman who will never let you leave or be around your friends. She feels like if you two aren't together, she can't have fun and that is a very bad attitude for her to have. God forbid something happens to you, your wife wouldn't be able to handle it.

I totally understand what your saying, but you both need to find a balance in your relationship. Obviously something needs to change.

She's might be depressed, and needs to talk to someone about her thoughts and feelings, so she can get a handle on herself. Everything sounds very emotionally charged right now on her end.

But..

You need to step into her shoes....How would you feel if you were left home for alot of the time while your wife went on with her life dreams with out you most of the time? Your job does require you to travel and get your self out there...but maybe you just might need to make the 1 1/2 hour trip home.

Its all about balance..its not going to be easy.. but find out what works for you two..

Good Luck!