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Is this a good beginning?

I walked down the warm hallway of mom and dad’s sweet Hawaiian home. The cool breeze blew in through the open windows and hit my pale face. I sniffed the air happily, trying to avoid the sunlight. My father suddenly appeared in the darkened doorway of his bedroom. “Aurora, is your mother alright? Have you ate anything today? How many times have you been exposed to the sunlight?” He asked. I laughed at my over-worried, over-worked father. “Yes I checked on her. I drank about half of a pint of blood and a pineapple slice. I’ve only been exposed to little patches in the hallway, so far. But when Johnston tells me to come that will change, but you already know that.” I replied. Christopher nodded and closed the door to the darkened hallway.

My mom approached behind me delicately and quite fragile. “Aurora, has Johnson came yet? Please tell me you didn’t disobey him again, you know how it pains your father and I to see you bent under his words like that.” She whispered. I smiled, but she couldn’t see. “Mother, I can protect myself. I’m half vampire half werewolf, a little bit of alpha command doesn’t really hurt me-that much.” I laughed. I turned back to my mom. She was much more pale than me and her once short wolf-accessible hair was almost to the center of her back. She was not a full-blooded werewolf since I was born. She had vampire venom pumped into her heart to stop it, but keep her alive. Well not alive but mostly vampire.

I walked into the living room so I could hear if Johnston ever called. I sprawled lazily over the couch-the loose clothes I intentionally wore for the meeting outlined my vampire-werewolf silhouette. I flipped through the channels. “As usual, nothing is on. Nothing is ever on anymore.” I complained to the cat slinking up to me. The cat stopped and looked at me. “Yeah, you’re my entertainment for the day, sorry little kitty.” I laughed. The cat jumped onto the top of the couch and stayed there, like a heavy rock on the sand.

I watched the television but waited to hear the call from Johnston. The cat slowly drifted into sleep but I didn’t. In situations like this, I needed to be alert for the alpha call so I wouldn’t get beaten up so bad. Even if werewolves and vampires heal quickly, it still hurts when it happens. My lids felt like heavy weights just inching closer and closer to my bottom lashes. I was too tired to just be so lazy like this.

“Mom?” I mumbled. Mother quietly stepped to my side. “Yes?” My head slightly lolled to the side. “I’m tired, but I can’t go to sleep because I’m afraid to miss the alpha call.” I yawned. She sat beside me and kissed my forehead. “You haven’t slept in two weeks, I can see why you would be tired. You sleep and I’ll listen for Johnston. I’ll stay right here with you.” She said. I quickly fell into peaceful sleep.

Even in my sleep I heard my mom sigh and shift uncomfortably as we both waited for Johnston to call for me. The warmth shifting through the house comforted me as I tried to sleep and get well-rested.

My dad walked in just as silent as my mom and sat on the floor beside my head. “Is she finally sleeping? A vampire’s body is hard for a werewolf’s spirit.” He whispered. My mom laughed. “Or being in a werewolf’s body with a vampire spirit. She could go either way actually, don’t you agree?” She asked. I heard my father gruff. “She’s too strong to be either. Normal humans have twenty-three pairs of chromosomes. Vampires have thirty-three and werewolves have twenty-eight. She must have somewhere between twenty-four and thirty-three.” He said.

He left as if he had something to do. I let the thought pass as I turned in my sleep. My mom suddenly stopped breathing for a short moment. I then heard it too.

I raised myself up. “I’m sorry sweetie.” She whispered. I smiled and nodded. “It’s not your fault. He’s demanding, I’m used to it.” She nodded. I walked to the door and squinted in the sunlight. “Before I forget, your hula dancing lessons are tonight at eight.” She added. I laughed as I ran. “I got it. I’ll be there for this one.” I whispered.

Johnston stood on the edge of the rocky shore. The waves thrashed at the bottom, rising up and licking his feet. He smiled at me. “Hey Johnston, am I late, again?” I asked. He smiled his dog, wide-toothed and fanged smile. I nodded. My body slightly glowed and I was a werewolf among the pack. "You actually decided to show up on your own will?" Johnston joked. "Well it’s hard to get out in the sunlight so much. But you wouldn’t understand." I replied smartly. I was the only non-albino pure white werewolf. "It’s good to see you not in pain." Seyth said. The pack nodded in agreement.

Update:

It's about a 16 year old half-vampire half-werewolf girl.Her mom was a werewolf and married a vampire. She had her [Aurora] and almost died because of the strain of having such an abnormal baby. so her father had to make her 75% vampire to keep her alive. The alpha [Johnston] has to have a mate and in the prologue which I didn't include she was chosen as the alpha's mate. The only ones who know that she's part vamp part wolf is her parents and Johnston. So because she's tired of Johnston's harsh aplha commands she moves to the states in rural Nebraska. There she finds an amazing boy [vampire] and a distant strain of Johnston's pack. But I'm not gonna say the rest. =]]

Update 2:

*PJM* She's only part vampire so in small amounts she has to eat and breathe. But other than that, your information was quite helpful.

Update 3:

I'm not even 17. thanks everyone so far

6 Answers

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  • pj m
    Lv 7
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Mysterious,

    Here's a bit of a fix for you. Look at it carefully and then I'll explain what I've done regarding the 'descriptive data' and the 'dialogue.'

    Walking down the the warm hallway of mom and dad’s sweet Hawaiian home, the cool breeze blew in through the open windows and hit my pale face. I sniffed the air happily, making sure I avoided the sunlight. My father appeared in the darkened doorway of his bedroom.

    “Aurora, is your mother all right? Have you eaten anything today? How many times have you been exposed to the sunlight?” He asked.

    I laughed at my over-worried, over-worked father. “Yes I checked on her. I drank half a pint of blood and a pineapple slice. I’ve only been exposed to little patches in the hallway, so far. But when Johnston tells me to come that will change, but you already know that.” I replied.

    Okay. I changed 'ate' to eaten. Be careful of your descriptive data as well. See how I started it out? 'Walking down the warm hallway.' That gives the reader what I call a 'mind's eye view' of what she's doing and where she is. It also doesn't read like a manual, but more like the beginning of a story.

    All right is two words. Alright is not a word. We use it all the time but it isn't proper English. Also, make sure you separate your dialogue for each person. See how I did it with her father and her? You don't want two people talking in the same paragraph.

    Go through the rest and make your changes. Do it just as I did and you'll be fine. Your story does have a bit of myster to it. Make sure you explain your character's 'eating a pinapple slice and sniffing the air. That is, if your character is a vampire. They don't eat or breath. I just make mention of this so that somewhere you can explain that to the reader.

    Good luck!

    PJ M

    Source(s): Published author.
  • 1 decade ago

    MA, you use quite expressive language. I like it that she had some blood and a slice of pineapple. It is an unusual detail that's not really necessary but shapes the character into three dimensions. A problem: this may be only because it is a rough draft but the grammar is not quite right and you went back and forth between past and present tense. My advice is to use present. I would think the cat might not care for your presence, you being part wolf. But you've got a good story with, in the context, four credible characters. The boy she meets should certainly up the ante on the dramatic possibilities. I don't know how old you are but the writing seems polished and really assured. Just watch that grammar.

  • 1 decade ago

    I walked into the living room so I could hear if Johnston ever called. I sprawled lazily over the couch-the loose clothes I intentionally wore for the meeting outlined my vampire-werewolf silhouette. I flipped through the channels. “

    If Johnson ever called the living room would be the place, so a lazy sprawl on the couch, outlining a silhouette of my vampire/werewolf loose attire, that as flipped through the channels, I realized I had worn intentionally.

    You form is fine-it's just your getting stuck in it.

    Again,

    He left as if he had something to do. I let the thought pass as I turned in my sleep. My mom suddenly stopped breathing for a short moment.

    Readers loose interest if the flow is to static:

    Passing the thought. I turned in my sleep. Just as he left with something to do my mother suddenly stopped breathing.

    Even in drafts it's important to watch your grammar-I say that because it's hard for me to follow even with the few mistakes.

    I got some work to do for the next hour so I'll be around if you want to work on that some more-I'll come back over here.

    s_e_s

  • 5 years ago

    Beginning begins at different times for different people. When somebody feels the beginning has begun,it is beginning for him and others still need to know it.

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  • 1 decade ago

    It's really swell.

    It's good as I would say.

    What is it about though?

    x

  • 1 decade ago

    i think its good, i like how it really grabs attention.

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