Could you give me some feedback on my story?

From what I read (which was most of it) it was amazing! You've got an amazing writing style, and the simplicity in your words was very capturing. You made the emotions that the girl was feeling come alive, and the imagery that you brought with it was great. I really enjoyed reading it. In a way, there was little lack of suspense issue - or is that what you were aiming for? A lack of suspense and big flat out "boom" (if you get what I mean) to make the readers go "wow - that's a complete contradiction to what was just said!".

I thoroughly enjoyed it, but the change in font size got a bit tedious and annoying after a while - I understand if that isn't your fault, but maybe you could go back and change it? Minus that, it was great.

If you're looking for places to put your stuff (and if it's Fanfiction), how about use Fanfiction.net. There are thousands and thousands of stories on there, and that is the best way to get feedback - i.e. from the reviews.

Anyway, you've got a huge talent in the area of writing and I hope you don't give it up! This piece was amazing and I just loved it.

Hope this is the feedback you wanted, and good luck with the future of you're writing career.

Rose

It was really good.

Just one thing near the start, you put "seeing them scream"

Wouldn't a vampire enjoy hearing them scream more, like the pitch of the scream, the sound of the heart beat racing or may not, as I guess he could see the fear in their eyes and maybe see sweat appearing on the skin.

Anyway it's really good, the twist of who they were. I love Vampire stuff.

I don't have enough time to fully read it

The first few paragaphs get me pulled in really well.

So if your serios etc want to be an author then this would be a great childrens book.

Something i would carry one reading.

Good intro

Very good writing style and good at building the tension.

That, is, a POWERFUL story.

OMG.

How did you make a story that good?

I LOVE it.

Oh God, vampires?