Dealing with my stepson's separation anxiety and jealousy?

Question

OK, parents- I'm a first time stepdad, and my wife and I haven't had kids of our own yet, so I'm really working in the blind here...
    My wife was here as a foreign worker when we met, fell in love and got married. She has a son who was in her home country with his father for two years while we were dating, engaged, and married. My stepson's father finally let him rejoin his mother here in the US after we threatened legal action. Now, his father is not in the picture- he was barely there even when he was with his son. My stepson was 3 when he left his mother, and he's five now. 
       Obviously, my stepson has separation anxiety. He is a very sweet boy, well behaved, mostly, and doing well now that he has some discipline and order in his life. Here's the rub, though: I travel extensively for work. I'm a ship's captain, so I go to sea for anywhere from 1-4 months before spending an equal amount of time at home. When I am at sea, my boy wants to sleep with his mother every night. I don't like it as a rule, because he's getting too old in my mind for that, but the poor kid has been through a lot, and I want him to be happy too. On the other hand, when I return home, he gets insanely jealous, and this makes both he and I miserable, because I hate seeing him so unhappy, and it's certainly not easy for him. 
    My own solution for this problem has been to find a happy medium somewhere- I want my wife to wean him off of sleeping with her except when he's had a nightmare or whatever, but at the same time, although the situation was not my wife's fault (long story), she's got guilt, too for being away from her son for so long. 
    Finally, as part of all this, my stepson seems to be becoming a bit of a hypochondriac. I walk with a very slight limp, and after my last visit home, my stepson has been complaining of sore feet, sore knees and sore ankles, along with a host of other aches and pains. My poor wife is dealing with all this on her own, for the most part, as I'm writing this from 6,000 miles from home. 
    Any suggestions on how to make improvements?

letterstoheather · Accepted Answer

The child is probably experiencing insecurity due to having to be separated from one parent, then the other.  You came along, and while you care, he probably sees you as the enemy -  someone who may take his mom away.  Hopefully, with love and care, this situation will subside in time... but if its affecting everyone's daily life, maybe you could consider therapy for the child.  Sometimes they blame themselves, sometimes they feel they've been bad and deserve bad things in life.

Talk to the doctor with concerns, and he might give a referral, depending.

I think that sleeping with a child every night does not help their independence, or give them a sense of their own or the parents' privacy.  If he or your wife has a TV and DVD player in the bedroom, maybe she and he could have "movie night" and they could watch a movie snuggling in bed.  Afterwards it would be bedtime.

I hope things work out.

Katie · Answer

I am single mum. I have been suffering for panic attacks for some 15 years now, though it was not until recently I understood what they were. They were progressively getting stronger and more frequent, stopping me from some days even leaving my house. I read this book and it all made perfect sense.

I am not saying I was not terrified of putting theory to action, I was more scared of that than the next attack! But I decided to view it as a game, one I had control of and could therefore not lose!

Smiley · Answer

maybe when you get home next, you should take him out, just the two of you. tell him how much you feel for him, and how you want to always be there for him. that you don't want to fill the place of his father, but be like a Second father. tell him how you feel.

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Dealing with my stepson's separation anxiety and jealousy?

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