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loser
Lv 4
loser asked in Arts & HumanitiesPoetry · 1 decade ago

Can you help me with this poem?

So, last night I decided to throw off writer's block and put together a new poem. After two long hours with my trusty thesaurus in hand, I found a new poem on my page. I like the poem, but I am not sure what to make of it yet. I think it has a few coherency issues. Also, I am not certain of the rhythm. Does it flow properly? Oh well, just tell me what you think and give me suggestions on how to fix it, please?

Is There Truth?

Is there truth in the eyes of the dying,

or do men deceive themselves to the grave?

Does the spirit escape for the body?

In the end, does it pay to b brave?

Man, the everlasting victim of self-loathing,

consumes himself and others to find liberation.

Pain, the only omnipresent phenomenon,

takes many forms to ensure annihilation.

Never once does the destroyer find life;

only the man who accepts suffering can transcend.

For evading misery is an impossibility,

but with effort pain’s power man can rend.

Then truth must be man’s ammunition

to use in battle against tribulation.

With strong spirit precision, and tenacity,

man brings pain to subjugation.

Is there truth in the eyes of the independent?

Do the liars understand their despondency?

Does deception define all their essence?

Do they cause truth’s fatality?

Does the spirit leave the cadaver,

or is it lost within its host?

Is there just one earth for man,

or is death to life as ocean to coast?

Update:

I would like to add that there was nothing forced about this poem but the rhyme scheme. I did not use large words to make myself seem more intelligent. This is the diction I employ while I write. I refuse to "dumb-down" my writing.

5 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    wow, thats good. ha.

    uhmm, i dont think you need help on it :D

    and yes, it flow smoothly.

    so good work on that.(:

    just one tip - just use easier words just so people could

    understand it, but overall, its good.

    (:

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I think it has a great message, but some people just might not absorb it. The successive stream of large words may be a turn-off to some people, and it might dampen the extraordinary voice you have. Don't force your writing; keep it simple and see what happens.

    Hope I helped!

  • 1 decade ago

    Bit complicated- you don't need an SAT word in every line, but other than that, AMAZING! Very chilling, but still beautiful and descriptive and just. so. awesome. Flows great, only fixing needed is that of overly-BIG words, but don't change the rhyme.

    God, you make me feel bad about my poems!

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    May I suggest...simplify...get rid of the small words...you have a good concept to write with, calm down a bit and maybe rewrite it, as simple as you can and construct from that....

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  • 1 decade ago

    Oooh! I like it. I don't think there is anything I can help you with. I like the last stanza a lot.

    Good luck!

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