This is in need of editing, would you read and give me your thoughts?

Question

This is a work in progress, a first attempt, and I am not sure that it is quite right at all... it weaves in and out of past and present.



Within the confines of this room tonight
Upon this bed that’s made for me and you
With only moon and stars to give us light
The room takes on a sultry sateen hue
We here together feels to me just right
The way you look at me with eyes of blue
 
Within your arms the warmth embraces me
And as our limbs become entwined in lust
The waves roll o’er me as the turbid sea
My love, to you my patchwork heart entrust
The fire is now a flame of ecstasy
I come undone as ashes fade to dust
 
When said and done our memories will tell
Though years have passed they lent their kindness well

Within the confines of this room tonight
My thoughts swirl gently in this mind engaged
Recalling now a stupid little fight
And how your temper soon became enraged
And yet  we kissed and then turned out the light
passions loosened as though we’d been encaged

My memory quickens  a tempest in me stirs
As in a storm that rages through the night
It reaches climax then my vision blurs
I know no other such feelings can incite
Beside me now my kitten loudly purrs
I gently  pet her  fur so soft and white 

Recalling falling within your eyes so blue
Upon this bed that’s made for me and you

With only moon and stars to give us light
Our bodies limber in sense become as one
Our passions kindle a fire burning bright
In retrospect I fear I  came undone
As I recall I gave in with no fight
When morning woke us we watched the rising sun

Your arm around my shoulders I felt love
Your lips grazed mine and brushed across my cheek
I close my eyes and beg the sky above
Your kiss makes my legs and body go weak
As you nudge me with a Gentle shove
I knew life without you would become bleak

The look you passed me to my heart rang true
The room takes on a sultry sateen hue

We here together feels to me just right
I promise that I always will be yours
If ever in the course of life lose sight
The tears from out my eyes will  fiercely course
Your smile to me has  become a light
As a lighthouse that beckons on the shores

Do you remember the day we first met
I was walking alone kicking rocks in the rain
My tee shirt and blue jeans were soaking wet
Some people may have thought this was insane
to my way of thought this was good as it could get
You pulled up beside me there in that lane

I glad to  get in that old car with you 
The way you look at me with eyes of blue

Within your arms the warmth embraces me
I tremble in my clothes so wet and cold
My innocence is evident to see
you are to me so very brazen bold
tip my chin just so,  kiss me blatantly
within my heart  a seed of love took hold

That day comes clearly; safe in my memory
Where I have safely kept it filed away
Not so long after that you proposed to me
on our wedding night made love until day
Light laid us to rest sated finally
in that cozy room  we’d all weekend stay

I gave in, yes; invested in you trust
 as our limbs become now entwined in lust

The waves roll o’er me as the turbid sea
Tosses me upon her waves defiant
I sit at home expecting company
Upon your strength I’ve become reliant
I entertain by serving friends with tea
By so doing I am  now compliant

Your just desert  is now awaiting you
I have prepared my words so carefully
And now as I look in your eyes so blue
I only hope that you will share with me
The joy I feel of life growing anew
that we will soon become a family

as my words spill out I need not have fussed
My love, to you my patchwork heart entrust

The fire is now a flame of ecstasy
we are two as one, but this time will end
deep inside of me growing steadily
My belly silently expands extends
With one who soon will make us into three
What then my dear, will you remain my friend?

To war you have been called we kiss good bye
I hide the tears that threaten to divest
I simply must stay strong I must not cry
Today for me my love has been a test
I will not let my love for you go dry
Within my body hold of you the best

I shaken now in memories tossed and mussed
I come undone as ashes fade to dust

When said and done our memories will tell
I hold our grandchild on my lap today
And feel so happy time has let us dwell
Within this same old house where we did play
Your hand upon my stomach as it swelled
Safe from the war came back to me that day

God lent us time to let us gently age
To raise our children as a family
When just as easily another page 
Could have been ripped asunder savagely
As I was given happiness not rage
And as your crinkled eyes of blue watch me

I smile and understand the lines that spell 
Though years have passed they lent their kindness well

Lizzy ® · Accepted Answer

When you told me you were gonna......
I knew you could.
Sonnet please, Make it a Biggie.
I remember you saying 210 lines!! a cycle right? 
Keep going Nancy Whew. I didn't know what to expect.
I see now the work involved. Sweet home Alabama!!

Chana · Answer

Hi Jojo, Here’s a quick edit (not saying it’s the best) but I hope it gives you some ideas on how to tighten this. Here goes: A table separates the space between us Our conversation holds no meaning I study every contour of his face I am immersed in him Savoring every moment I know it won’t last long I imagine the passionate kiss we would share But I snap back into reality Knowing it was only a wish I bite my lip Trying to hold back the grin Threatening to escape My heart jumping There might be a chance After all There’s still some imagery you could add in here, but it’s a good start. If I cut something I felt it was unneeded or something you could rephrase to make stronger. I hope it helps. In the end, it’s just my opinion. Todd

Anonymous · Answer

Nancy, this is an interesting variation on the sonneto magistrale, and didn't seem at all long to me.  From a technical perspective, it is clear enough what you have done, writing a sonnet cycle of interlocked sonnets controlled by a master sonnet (your first).  The meter was generally quite good (and this matters for the sonnet form), with just enough trochaic inversions to add pleasant variability to the poem as it is read aloud (as is my practice).  The only place I would change your diction is the consecutive lines where you have 'safe' and 'safely', since this seemed a little overdone to me.  That is indeed a small matter.  Your poem is, from an aesthetic perspective, long, yes... as long as life itself, and as rich too. You write from the perspective of one old enough to have life experience, and yet young enough to still harness your cognitive power and singular vision... darlin' I'm right there with you.

Intrusivosity With Medium Doubt · Answer

I need time & DOTS.

Let me come back to ya...

Edit:  It's Sunday.  I've read this a few times.  It's good, but I think the entire piece should flow in a common iambic meter, filler words should be dropped and replaced with adjectives, etc.

Example: L1

Yours:  Within the confines of this room tonight
Idea:    Within confines of ( beat beat) room tonight,

We could further elaborate via email if you want.

© ♪♫♪ tori ♫♪♫ · Answer

Hey -
This line still bothers me:
We here together feels to me just right
... we're here together feels to me just right

I come undone as ashes fade to dust  <---
When said and done our memories will tell <--
watch for the use of done too closely together ...
"said and done" is a cliche, and your writing is too good for that.

I love this stanza:
Recalling falling within your eyes so blue
Upon this bed that’s made for me and you
..
have to get back to it for me. It's overwhelming.

But I feel jealous, and that is because your words moved my emotions. t

it&#39;s me · Answer

It's difficult to critique a poem this long.  
invested in you trust -- you or your, could be either
I have read it.  I will read the first half more carefully, then come back for the second.

Is this the rest of what you  posted yesterday?  Intermingled sonnets of love.  I have nothing to add.  Well done.

Anonymous · Answer

How lovely.  Thank you for sharing this.  You have described quite a life, quite a love.  I can only read and imagine.  I will never know.

Anonymous · Answer

Supersonnet.

jenny · Answer

This was a long read, but I liked it. Certainly would be a treasure to
your family.

Anonymous · Answer

In S47, L25, change "huh?" to "what??".

Damn, that's LONG!!

Ok, I'm kidding, I'll read it now.

What can I say, it was a beautiful poem-story.

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This is in need of editing, would you read and give me your thoughts?

12 Answers