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Here's one from the Archives...is it seasonally appropriate?
In The Garden
Upon Spring's birth, Winter's death.
Seeds and eggs and babes abound.
At last we smell Earth's heaving breath;
a fragrance tilled from from 'neath the ground.
Seeds and eggs and babes abound.
Passively, they bide their time
a fragrance tilled from 'neath the ground
drink in the fruit of heady wine.
Passively, they bide their time.
They labor to reach the highest clouds.
Drink in the fruit of heady wine
as Summer draws in the crowds.
They labor to reach the highest clouds
Dead heat begins to wane and chill
as Summer draws in the crowds
and ushers Autumn over the hill.
Dead heat begins to wane and chill
as cool Winter winds begin
and ushers Autumn over the hill
Then Spring is born again.
Hypocorism, As usual, your critiques are amazing and you offer some great suggestions. As soon as I start writing again, I will put them to good use. The meter definitely needs to be reworked. This was actually the very first structured poem I ever wrote. I like to call it my "failed" pantoum so when you referred to it as an 'improper' pantoum, it tickled me.
Neon, Semper, and Jellz...sweetest of sweet. Big hugs to you all. I promise to return to Mars eventually.
7 Answers
- ?Lv 41 decade ago
The improper pantoum, such as Baudelaire's Harmonie du soir, of which this poem's insistence on liquid-thick floral fragrances is reminiscent, is often more lyrical than classical, compared to the proper pantoum; but given the trivial surgery required, the lyricism of this poem is successful in either format, though the plangency or stridency of the images is somewhat enhanced in the more open-ended `proper' version. This form is well-suited to conveying gradual change, and you have used the repeating lines for good effect to this end.
I would suggest a couple of things: I do not know if the form makes particular metrical impositions, but this poem is half the time pure iambic or trochaic tetrameter, and elsewhere roughly adheres to this metre with many spondaic substitutions and (hyper)catalectic modifications, a few anapestic substitutions (`they labour to reach;' `over the hill'), and one dactylic substitution (`drink in the fruit'). I personally feel that more metrical regularity would help to create a tauter frame for the reader to feel the most significant substitutions with the best effect.
I would also make a suggestion about content: most of the imagery of this poem is floral or vegetal rather than animal; I see an apogee of the year in stanzas three or four in `labour to reach the highest clouds.' I would consider remodulating or eliminating the underdeveloped animal aspects of the seasonal cycle (`eggs and babes'), and using the space to add focus and sensory directness, particularly given the title, to the plant or more general seasonal imagery. I would again suggest Baudelaire's poem as an example for how the repetition of lines in this form (whether proper or improper) makes the success of these poems reliant on the vivid pageantry of a few images.
Of course the poem is seasonally appropriate and it is a pleasure to read your work again.
