English project. Can you tell me if this poem looks okay, and help me edit it?

Question

The blue,foaming waves crashing against your legs, the sand between your toes, the little boys and girls next to you building a huge sand castle in which is eventually going to be destroyed by the waves, the sailboats swooshing through the open waters, the surfers on the huge waves

I don't know how to end it and I'm not sure if it sounds okay or not?
Please help, that's my first poem ever, tell the truth and please give suggestions of  making it better.

christopher c · Accepted Answer

Good enough start.  Think of other ways to describe the "waves."  You kinda overuse the word.

If it were me (and only because it's me) I'd edit the mid sentence:

"the little boys and girls next to you building a huge sand castle in which is eventually going to be destroyed by the waves,"

It's longer than the others and breaks the flow a bit.  At least change "in which" to just "which"

Again, if it was mine:

"boys and girls building a sand castle even as the besieging tide creeps closer"

I might also change "swooshing" to "slicing" or "chopping".

To end it, how does "you" feel about all the sights of the beach? 

If it were mine:

"Your eyes lazily close and you admit, 'This is way better than English homework"

Irv S · Answer

Nice collection of images, but there's little connective tissue.
If there's any meaning to the whole, I missed it.
Possibly the sea/surf as an image of life/time and the surfers riding 
with it, the sandcastles destroyed by it but not clear enough.
Also you might try a little onomatopoeia
'Sailboats swishing through the silver sea' etc.

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English project. Can you tell me if this poem looks okay, and help me edit it?

2 Answers