Is it acceptable to say you have a step-dad among Indians?

Dear Friend,

I am an Indian and will try to answer your question.

Traditionally women being married twice (particularly after a divorce) was frowned upon in most Indian communities and castes. There was greater acceptance (among some communities) of a young woman’s second marriage after the death of her first husband.

Please note that these statements are more true of Indians up to the 1980's - although there was always a small percentage of separations & divorces.

Divorces were disapproved - since marriage was viewed (both in a moral and religious sense) as a sacred fixed/final state that could not be exited - even though law might permit a divorce. Consequently, there was a huge stigma attached to divorces and remarriages, since these situations were seen as impatient & selfish/self centered ways of exiting a sacred relationship (i.e. abdicating personal, moral, familial, religious and societal responsibilities) via a legal 'loophole' - the legal divorce.

In my own opinion divorces are costly in terms of the all round cost to everyone's lives - particularly children. At the same time, seriously harmful and dysfunctional marriages( that cost more to survive in than exit) should be exited...this is the current thinking among most Indian friends I have.

Nowadays remarriage after divorce is much more frequent particularly among better educated people living in India and abroad. Since the 90's, the traditional stigmas attached to divorce are far less rigorous. This is due to the evolution of thinking on this subject. Parents, families and society are more accepting of divorces and families that have been through this experience.

However we cannot blindly generalize and apply the same rules to all situations, of all Indian families that have been through divorce and remarriage. Not knowing your mother and her social group - I am unable to comment sensibly on whether her particular set of friends would make your lives difficult if they knew about you having a step-dad.

I also understand your wish to call a spade a spade and describe your step-dad as your step-dad.

However, there are good arguments as to why in certain situations it is kinder to not tell the truth since that might upset those we love. For example, even though your mother is much older than you - she is obviously going through her own emotional growth and perhaps she will in time grow enough to tell the truth about your step-dad. If she does not then you would have been the very thoughtful child who allowed/helped her survive in her world on her terms. This kindness is similar to the kindness of a mother/father who does not go out of her way to declare a 'step' child as a step child. For example if your step-dad does not pointedly explain to family friends and acquaintances that you are his 'step- child...why should you?

Forget about your mother’s reasons for you not wanting to talk about your step-dad. You need to seriously and honestly think about your own reason for being adamant about telling everyone about your step-dad. Are you sure it is because you wish to tell the truth? Are you trying in a small way to hurt your mother under the cloak of telling the truth? What is the point of doing this?

I did not think highly of the behavior of an ex-friend who went out of her way to inform other friends that her own son had successfully overcome a drug problem. Silence on her part would not have been lying - but would have demonstrated sensitivity to her son's feelings in a public situation. Silence on this topic from your side in public situations, would save your mother's (& step-dad's) feelings without your actively lying or telling the truth to meet your own standards irrespective of the perceived fallout to your mother.

Perhaps you could reduce the number of interactions/divert situations you have with her set of friends so that you do not actively have to declare your step-dad as your 'birth' father. Also remember there are few people you meet who are actually going to ask you which of your current parents are 'birth' and which is the 'step' parent'

Relationships with close family are very hard and we can only survive through accepting our family members as persons with failures and flaws, forgive those flaws and bring a sense of humor and perspective to these situations. Hope I have been of some help and please forgive me if I have hurt your feelings anywhere.

I am Native American and I know native women are more concerned with how they look to other Indians than the men are.Your story causes me to wonder what kind of mental hell your mother must have gone through to have decided to enter into a second marriage.She might have decided it was for the good of you children. If that is true she made a great sacrifice and it seem now you could honor her decision by making the sacrifice of not revealing her secret. Some of the Indian women in my church face a double whammy because the church looks down on remarried couples. They prevent them taking part in church ceremonies in any kind of a representing role. In the church when someone is nominated to a church position someone is sure to bring up the fact that they are one of those "twice marrieds." The remark is always delivered with a sneer of disgust and a cautionary reminder of "what will they be teaching our children? Our church is Southern Baptist and predominately Native American.(Who still hold to many of the old beliefs!)

it depends.....

every person has their own beliefs,where some may accept and the others may not. Having 2 fathers/being married twice is no social stigma its just that if you dont find love the first time you find it the second time . But if its that important to your mom and you still want someone to share this with tell your best friends about it......they'll consult and support you and tell you how to deal with such a mother.

best of luck

Hmm well I am an Indian-Canadian and I don't hate, I'm assuming your white, and I don't talk about you guys. I have all cultures of friends, majority white.

I do tell my kids the truth about what happened to our ancesters but I do not teach them to hate the culture that did that to us. It was a very bad thing that happened to Indians but we are strong and it has made us stronger to keep living.

There are non-Indians that can be rude and ignorant still today but it is their choice to act that way. And there are also Indians that dwell on the past and find it hard to move on, and that is their choice. I know I am still effected by what happened but I try to live my life now for the future of our children.

A majority of Indians are quite nice, calm, and a good sense of humor. We like to joke around alot.

There are Indians that will talk about white people but that is not all they do with their life...it's just like anybody else that talk about their dis likes.

Their is nothing wrong with having a second marriage, nothing to be ashamed of. Just things didn't work out with the first one. It is your moms choice to keep a lie, but it's up to know what to do with it. It is not your lie, it's hers. So just let her keep her lie...you know what the truth is and that is all that matters. Don't let it bother you.