Will you read an article form 2004 and not care if you don't get it?

THE VINCE LOMBARDI INTERVIEW

So I’m sitting in my garage. I think I’ve been in my garage a total of 7 times in 13 years. I’m not a garage guy. I hate tools and I don’t like spiders, and garages usually have plenty of both. But once in awhile, once in a great while, I feel drawn to my garage by some force. No, that force is not a 12-pack of beer. It’s something else, like an inner pull on my brain strings. Luckily, my brain is strong like a bull, so the damage is minimal.

So there I am, waiting for something to happen. I look down and I see I’ve brought a pencil and a notepad. At the top of the notepad, it says LOMBARDI. I don’t remember writing that, but hey, there it is. Then I hear a chuckle. Then “Come on kid, I don’t have all night. Let’s get this thing movin’.”

What the hell, I figured, nobody’s gonna believe me anyway. No use trying to run for it, it is what it is. I took a deep breath and started talking.

M.U.F.F.L.E. – Vince. You’ve been dead since 1970. You were only 57 years old. You never had a losing season. The Super Bowl trophy is named after you. You are the most quoted sports figure in history. You have a tremendous gap in your teeth. Who’s going to win the Super Bowl this year?

LOMBARDI – Can’t tell ya. But I’ll give you a hint. CTM.

M.U.F.F.L.E.- CTM? That’s it? That’s the hint, CTM??

LOMBARDI- God has his rules, and we follow them. Otherwise, I’d be coaching downstairs. Know what I mean?

M.U.F.F.L.E.- Yah, yah. So, how’s God doin’?

LOMBARDI- He’s hangin’ in there. He still can’t quite grasp the concept of the 8 man front on defense, but I’m working with him. He’s more interested in offense. You know, Hail Mary’s, that sort of thing.

M.U.F.F.L.E.- You must have quite a squad up there by now. A lot of Hall of Fame guys. Do you think they could whip our best boys down here?

LOMBARDI- If you gave Parcells the right group of kids, they might stand a chance.

M.U.F.F.L.E.- So Bill’s the man, then. We kinda knew that. But it’s nice to have the affirmation. If you’re allowed to tell us, who’s the go to guy at QB down here on earth?

LOMBARDI- He’s retired. And he ain’t scheduled up here for another 35 years. Shame, really. I could use him.

M.U.F.F.L.E.- Come on, Vince. How about a better hint than that? How long has he been retired? Who did he play for? We’re dyin’ to know.

LOMBARDI- You tryin’ to get me in trouble?

M.U.F.F.L.E.- Nah, forget it. Listen, you’ve had a couple key arrivals up there lately on offense and defense. Are those guys starters yet?

LOMBARDI- Korey’s a good kid and we got him in the lineup right away. Tillman can hit, but we’re working on his cover skills. He’ll be good to go soon enough. They both got the rookie treatment. Last week, Alzado hung Tillman from the Pearly Gates and left him there for a few hours. Me and Schramm had to go fetch him. He took it well. Tex explained the whole rookie deal to him and fed him some of that Texas chili. That stuff’s hard to get, even up here. Ol’ Tex, he’ll only cook the stuff when he gets a craw up his ***. When he first come here, he made up a good batch. But Farley and Mama Cass ate it all right away. Those two can eat. So Tex, he don’t make it unless he feels like it. He has a soft spot for the Tillman kid, so he made him some special.

M.U.F.F.L.E.- Farley and, who was it, Mama Grits?

LOMBARDI- Cass. Mama Cass. The Ol’ girl from the Mamas and the Papas.

M.U.F.F.L.E.- Yah, her. They got a thing? Bet you could use them on the offensive line….

LOMBARDI- I’ll bet ya we could. You’d be surprised at who’s playin’ varsity for us. Mostly laymen you haven’t ever heard of, along with the hall of famers, of course, but there are a few rock stars and movie people on the team. We got a 1,500 man roster. I’m tryin’ to get it up to 1,600 with the new rule changes. This 10 mile field is killin’ us. I can’t get a kicker in here who’s accurate over 4 miles. You’d think we could find a damn kicker. Same as it is down there, I guess.

M.U.F.F.L.E. – 10 freakin’ miles??

LOMBARDI- Watch your mouth, son. Things are different up here. Better, faster, longer, stronger. You’ll be surprised when you see it. You’ll have plenty to write about, don’t worry.

M.U.F.F.L.E. – So, I’m not due for an article anytime soon, am I?

LOMBARDI- Hah, hah, hah, hah, hah. I’ve told you too much already, kid. I’ve got film to watch. I’m supposed to go over Sunday’s game plan with Peter and the boys. It makes ‘em feel important. Once in a while I let them put in a new play. Once in a great while.

See ya again, kid. Here or there. You’ll never know where, so keep your head up and your shoulders square!

M.U.F.F.L.E.- Wait, Vince! Vince! Wait! Damn.

He was gone. I was hoping he’d leave his hat or maybe a toothpick, but I didn’t search the garage for very long, it was dark and then there’s that whole spider problem. It still smells like Old spice in there, though. And my brain feels a bit mushy, like those strings got stretched a bit too far.

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