"RE-DO" WEDDING! HELP! NOT vow-renewal, NOT second huge wedding, NOT remarriage!?

I understand the distinction that you are trying to make between re-do's that are a matter of bad planning or vanity, and your friends re-do which is a simple matter of misfortune. But of course a "wedding" is the ceremony by which one *gets* married. It *was* important that she marry the man she loved, and she did -- that WAS her wedding. What we are talking about here is a *party*.

I am always delighted to hear of people who want to celebrate and to play host to their friends and family. Hospitality is a virtue that is not practised enough in our modern times. Any reason that you have for celebrating and inviting guests is a victory against the selfish insularity that prevails in so many communities! And marriage, faithfulness, and lifelong commitment are great values to celebrate, regardless of when in your married life you plan the celebration. So, good for her for thinking of doing this!

Of course, whatever she does should recognize the value and importance that she DID put on marrying the man she loved AT THE TIME. To do less would make that decision meaningless and not be proper. And, of course, she should avoid all those things which are never proper, but which are nonetheless commonly associated with "being the bride": making herself the centre of attention at the expense of her guests, hinting for or expecting gifts, wearing inappropriately formal or exotic clothes that are at odds with the time of day or dress standard of her guests (such as evening clothes to an afternoon event, or a ball-gown to a dinner that is not a ball, or a formal gown to an informal event).

On the other hand, she CAN have any of the celebratory events that ARE proper. She can wear a white dress of impeccable taste and styling, even a very fancy and expensive one. She can have her dear friends accompany her and show their support for her, even wearing coordinated clothing if they so choose. She can have a formal dinner with a receiving line, which a host and hostess should do anyway if they have more than a dozen guests -- and she can fulfil the host-and-hostess's other obligations such as opening the dancing with the first dance of the evening, and choosing elegant decorations and food. Even a tiered cake with a an appropriate topper (though perhaps not the cliche bride-and-groom decoration). There are lots of other appropriate cake decorations that she could use too: anything that symbolizes faithfulness and love without emphasising innocence or new beginning.

A hostess's first concern should be the comfort and well-being of her guests. If she makes that her first concern and arrange a party that will allow everyone to celebrate together, without pretense or dissembling, she will have an event in the best of taste.

Despite the misconceptions rampantly promoted by the wedding industry, registering is not "for gifts" and not a special privilege of people having a wedding. No politely-bred woman is *expecting* gifts. She registers her choices of patterns and makers with a reputable department store, as a way of managing her household planning. No-one can afford to go out one day and buy all their fine china, decor items, household linens, silver flat and holloware, and crystal. Everyone needs to collect these heirloom-quality household goods over time, and the department store registry will help her keep track, and also notify her of discontinuations and sales, and help her replace pieces that get broken or worn or lost over time. Home-makers have been using these services for generations, without any expectation that their registry is a grab-list that they are foisting onto their friends and family.

Your friend may certainly register -- for her own convenience. If guests choose to use that registry, that's their business, and a polite woman doesn't meddle in, nor indeed take any interest in, other people's gift-giving intentions.

Actually, regardless of her special circumstances, the day she got married was her wedding day. To have a wedding re-do would be to say that being married up to this point was fake.Is that the message she wants to send to her husband, family and friends?

That is why it's one couple = one wedding.

She can have a vow renewal and invite as many people as she wants, as long as it's done from the perspective that she's a wife, not a bride.

She can wear any dress in the world she would want, even a big, white ballgown. All she'd not have is the veil and train.

I assume when she "married the man she loved" they exchanged rings. Therefore, they wouldn't have the ring exchange at the vow renewal ceremony. There are lots of vow renewal vows she can google to find something she'd like.

The ceremony itself can be in a cathedral or on the beach or somewhere in between, and can be decorated as lavishly or as simply as she desires. This really can be a very nice event.

She'd walk down the aisle with her husband if she wants -- she's a wife, not a bride, so no one is "giving her away" at this point.

They can each have a friend or relative stand up with them, but a row of matchy bridesmaids would be totally out.

They can have any reception they'd like, limited only by their imagination and budget. They could have a beautiful cake, without the bride and groom figurines on top of course. People could give toasts with champagne, but to "Andrew and Courtney" not anything about the bride and groom. If they had a DJ they wouldn't have "first dance as husband and wife" or the spotlight dances with dad or mom. I mean, they can dance with their parents, but this isn't an occasion where they can force their guests to sit through them.

There wouldn't be bouquet or garter toss or feeding each other cake or anything else really wedding-y.

Obviously there wouldn't be a bridal shower (maybe she had one last year before her wedding) or bachelor/ette parties. Some friends could throw a dinner in their honor shortly before the date if they'd like.

Having said that, I think it would be okay to register, even though I assume being married for almost a year they would have had their home pretty much furnished by now. Have they been sitting on the floor, sleeping on a bare bed, eating off paper plates with plastic utensils and having no towels after their showers? If not, I'm not sure what all they'd be registering for.

Angelica, I am sorry, but you DID have a wedding...it was in Vegas. No one held a gun to your head forcing you to go off to Vegas. We all have events in our life that we regret and wish we could do over, but the simple fact of the matter is that we can't. Go on with your life and enjoy your husband and child. No sense wasting energy wishing and hoping for "what could have been." It's over and time to move on. Think back to all the brides/grooms who were married during the Depression. Obviously, many of them were married in the pastor's office or a they had a small church wedding with perhaps a home reception for very immediate family only. That was it. No one thought of having a "do-over." This question is asked almost daily on here and I guess it's getting to be "the thing." However, you can't have a wedding. You are not a bride nor is your husband a groom. Also, a vow renewal is usually reserved for a milestone anniversary such as 25 or 50. It is not meant to be a "wedding I never had."

I get asked this a lot. We often have second "ceremonial" weddings for people who are legally married - sometimes because the parents don't know, sometimes because the couple wants the party. But no gifts, no registry - and the couple pays for the dinner...

I think about my mom, who was married at the army base in 1944, and then my dad got shipped out and they never had a honeymoon, and he got shot down, and she went home and lived with his parents. The idea that they would have a "second wedding" (because he survived and was finally liberated) is weird. They did have an 'at home' party when he got back -- but a wedding is a wedding - 10 minutes on the base, or 2 hours in a cathedral, it's done. So "vow renewal", or 'wedding blessing" is fine. But presents -- nope. Sorry.

We were supposed to marry (and did as my husband needed to be moved in to my place) 3 days after Hurricane Ivan. We had planned a beach wedding. We ended up married with 5 people present by a notary public in the front yard.

This September will be 5 years. In August we are having a vow renewal. Your friend is already married...that's it. Every etiquette site I've read says almost anything goes in these circumstances except to register. What I would do is just let certain people know what she is in need of to spread the word to those interested in gifting.

We are having a MOH a Best Man, a flower girl and ring bearer. I am wearing a wedding dress and buying a wedding cake. My husband and I will walk the aisle together and there will be no father/daughter dance or other things of that sort.

Every site I have read and every coordinator I have asked says no etiquette is being broken. In fact, one told me that our plans are VERY sedate compared to what is now acceptable for renewals.

Your details don't really make sense to me... Did she plan a big, lavish affair that only a few people were able to make it to? If so, why didn't she register at that time? Did she rush a wedding because it was the MARRIAGE that was important? If so, why the change of heart?

Sorry, but any way you try to slice it, this IS a vow-renewal, a do-over. Does that mean she can't throw a huge bash to celebrate? Of course not. But she shouldn't pretend this is her first wedding. She should not register - or expect - gifts.

You only get one wedding. Even if an act of God/nature was involved, it doesn't allow a person the right or opportunity to have a do-over. She is already married so anything she has now will be a vow-renewal, even if you don't like that term. But it's what it is. Yes, it is too late to register.

Sorry, but she's already married. No matter what the circumstances were surrounding the actual wedding, they are married. Therefore a registry would be inappropriate. I don't mean to sound insensitive, but the hurricane did not force her to get married if it wasn't the way she wanted - she could have waited and done it the way they wanted. If they want to do something fun to celebrate with the guests who missed out, they should have a reception or anniversary party, but not a "re-do" wedding ceremony with the white wedding dress, veil, father giving her away, etc. If she already had the wedding and had sent out invites for that one, then she must have registered for the original wedding. If guests couldn't make it, then some may have still sent gifts. It's too late to register now.

It's a shame but it's still a vow-renewal no matter how you slice it. They are already married- no registery. She should just skip the whole idea and use the money that she was going to use on her wedding on a house or things that she would register for anyways. People are really not going to go all out- it will never be like it is the first time.

I have always said there should be exceptions to the "no fake weddings" rule for sudden uncontrollable events such as military deployment or serious injury. I'd say catastrophic weather falls into that category.

IMO the guideline is to continue any planing that was interrupted by Gustav, but not to use Gustav as an excuse to escalate to something markedly grander than the original plan. For example if the original plan was to have the reception for 60 at the Elks Lodge, don't use Gustav as an excuse to ratchet it up to the Ritz Carlton and issue an additional 140 invitations.

If the original plan was long white gown, matching bridesmaids, MOB & MOG dresses, tons of flowers, etc, this might be tricky. I don't think it would be right to take fake vows, as this would disrespectful of the real vows. And I don't think anyone would want to invite people to a wedding reinactment, as if it were a Civil War battle.

Maybe

The pleasure of the company of

[write in names]

is requested at a pagaent

to celebrate the marriage of

Lydia Groomly (formerly Bridely), daughter of

[fill in names]

to Gregory Groomly, son of

[fill in names]

etc etc etc

To be followed by dinner and dancing

You don't ask for "the honour of the presence" because that is for asking people to witness a sacrament. The reasoning is that it isn't your house, it's God's House.

It is never incorrect to have a registry. It would be useless unless people asked what sort of gift you would like, of course, since it would be greedy to bring up the topic of presents yourself. But if someone happens to ask what sort of gift you'd like, there is nothing incorrect in letting them know that you are registered at Sears and Home Depot. If you do your RSVPs by phone, most callers will ask about gifts. Back in the ancient days before response cards were invented, we usually had helpers handle the RSVP calls to avoid the awkwardness of sounding like a little kid telling Santa what we want for Christmas.

Thanks for the challenging question. Congrats to the happy couple and best wishes to all.